Page 30 of I'm Yours

Now, though, I fear that she’ll be pushing Sadie and me together once again and I don’t know how I feel about that. Sure, she’s still beautiful but that’s all I know. I’ve changed and I’m sure she has, too.

“I’m going to go check on the south lot,” I tell them.

“We were out there this morning,” Dad reminds me.

“And I’m going out there now. Then I might move to the creek and see if the cattle there are alive.”

Dad chuckles at my obvious need for getting outside and working to avoid talking about anything involving Sadie. “Okay, son. You do that.”

“I will.”

“Good.”

“Good.”

“Oh, for goodness sakes! You two stop!” Mom interrupts.

Dad and I give her a hug from both sides, sandwiching her between us. “Love you, Mom. And I know that you love Sadie, too. But promise me that while you’re spinning around a pole that you won’t be pushing for anything between us. Katherine hasn’t even been gone a year. Sadie and I? We were a long time ago and we’ve both grown up a lot since then. Changed. Right now I’m going to focus on reacquainting myself with the ranch, raising my daughter, and get started finding a place for her and me to live.”

“As much as it will kill me not to meddle, I give you my word. As long as you promise me one thing in return.”

“What’s that?”

“When you’re ready for me to interfere, you tell me. I just want my boy happy. That’s all.”

I chuckle and mumble, “Promise,” before I bend to kiss the top of her head. Dad squeezes my shoulder as I head to my room to change clothes. Once I’m in my Levi’s and perfectly worn in cowboy boots, I check in on Emmy to let her know where I’m off to and remind her that Grandma is in charge.

Grabbing my old black Stetson off the rack beside the back door, I slide it on and make my way to the barn. I walk down the hallway and give attention to all the horses in their stalls. When I was growing up, I’d spend hours in here. Most people would have hated it, but I loved the chore of mucking stalls. The smell of horse manure never bothered me. It was home to me. After I’d get fresh hay laid down, I’d take a deep breath and then climb into an empty stall and pull out one of my dad’s old Louis L’Amour books and curl up and read while listening to the horses whinny and stomp.

I’ve already caught Emmy trying to sneak out here on her own so I have no doubt that she’ll one day be doing the exact same. It scares me, but I also know that she has complete respect for how powerful these animals are. Since the day we moved back here a few weeks ago, my parents and I have told her that she’s not allowed to come down to the barn unless there’s an adult with her until she’s older. Before we moved back, though, Dad put a new lock on the doors that she can’t reach simply for added safety reasons.

After checking on all the horses, I saddle up Brownie, my dark brown quarter horse with a jet black mane and tail. Brownie came to us almost five years ago after being abused at a ranch in Wyoming. Dad found her and called me up, asking me to come help get her mended as well as used to humans who don’t intend to harm her. It was shortly after Emmy was born and Katherine and I didn’t particularly want to be traveling or away from home, but Katherine was suffering from postpartum depression and we decided that maybe it’d be good to have a change of scenery for a while.

Brownie kicked and bucked at anyone unless Emmy was in our arms. As soon as Emmy was within twenty feet of her, she’d calm down and settle. She would almost sigh as if Emmy brought her peace. I get it, though, because she brought the same to me. It didn’t take long for Katherine and me to realize that Emmy, too, felt calmer when she was around the horses. Which, in turn, helped Katherine as well. There’s ranches with therapy horses and I see why. Equine Therapy encourages confidence and trust along with many other things. For Katherine, being around the horses built her confidence and showed her that she was already an amazing mother. Before we came home to the ranch, she was withdrawn and restless, couldn’t sleep and had no appetite, and she felt this fear that she couldn’t be a good mother which turned into guilt and anxiety. I couldn’t leave her alone with Emmy, not necessarily because I was afraid Katherine would do something to Emmy, but because she had constant thoughts of harming herself.

The ranch saved us.

Brownie saved us.

She was the best therapy we could have asked for, and I think we did the same for Brownie. By the time we headed back home, she was a completely different horse. She still had some of the timidness that comes with a horse that’s been abused, however, she felt much more comfortable around people. It was obvious that she recognized that we weren’t going to hurt her like she’d been in the past.

I lead Brownie out of the barn and place my left foot in the leather stirrup, jump up with my right, and swing it around and settle into the seat, gripping the horn with one hand as I hold the reins with the other.

It doesn’t matter how long I’ve been away, riding will always be where I feel most at home. I take Brownie down the well-worn path through the pasture, encouraging her to trot rather than walk, moving into a gallop. I relax my hold on her reins and press my feet into the stirrups, lifting my body up off the seat and leaning forward a little bit.

Brownie knows me well enough that I barely need to guide her. She speeds up and slows down and without me, guides where I intend for us to go, she simply gallops then slows down once again to a walk that resembles more of a stroll. Happy to take control and show me all the beauty I’ve been missing.

The scent of pine mixed with fresh air tickles my nose and I take in a deep breath, wanting to bottle it up. The only sound surrounding me besides Brownie’s breathing and hooves hitting the dirt is, well… nothing. When people ask for peace and quiet, this is what they are looking for. Bright yellows and purples, vibrant green and brilliant white litters the ground as far as the eye can see. A bald eagle soars overhead and in the distance, I see deer staring at me, a mom and baby.

As we approach the base of a mountain, she slows down and follows the path. She and I walk the uneven path, her hooves clinking against the rock and dirt. Brownie stretches her neck, munching on some flowers before I pull gently on her reins and she continues on, turning her head a bit to give me a dirty look as if to say, “Well, excuse me for eating while I give you a ride.”

“It’s okay, girl. I’m just reminding you to keep moving this ride along.”

She whinnies in response and I chuckle, leaning down to avoid hitting my head on a low hanging branch. I take note of a few huckleberry bushes and plan to bring Emmy here for a ride soon so we can pick the berries and beg Mom to make a pie and maybe some jam if we’re able to harvest enough. Just thinking about the huckleberry pie makes my mouth water and stomach growl.

By the time we make it to the south lot, the sun is already starting to dip closer to the horizon. Pinks and oranges are painting the sky and casting a glow on the grazing cattle. The ride back will be quicker because Brownie and I took the long way here, going up and over the small mountain for a little detour rather than simply going straight to the lot.

Just as Dad predicted, everything looks good and there’s really no reason for me to have ridden out here, aside from the fact that I needed it for my soul. Seeing Sadie today fucked me up a bit and as much as I’d have liked to deny it, my heart and body woke up just from being in her presence for an hour. I shouldn’t be surprised; I always reacted this way to her. I had hoped that over time, I’d outgrow my feelings for her.

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