Page 72 of I'm Yours

He chuckles. “Sometimes. Not often. Katherine had postpartum depression after Emmy was born. Tried to self-medicate with vodka. Got her off the booze and stayed away from alcohol myself to support her and not have the temptation around. Why’d you ask?” Shit. I’m almost sorry I asked now.

“Just realized there are things that I don’t know about you as a grown up.”

“A grown up, huh?” I can hear the smile in his voice.

“Yes. A grown up. That’s what we are now.”

He hums and I hope I didn’t just say something I shouldn’t have. It’s no secret that we grew up separately. We both had lives while we were apart.

“So, talking?”

“How are you feeling about this?” He doesn’t have to explain what he’s asking me. I know this is us.

“Um…” I truly don’t know how to answer him. Do I like spending time with him? Yes. Do I enjoy getting to know his daughter? Sure do. The sex? Absolutely.

“Well, there goes my confidence,” he murmurs.

“No!” I rush out and stand up, the blanket falling to my feet. I walk around my room as I try to put into words what’s in my head. Or rather, my heart. “It’s not that. I just…” I groan. “The truth? I’m scared.”

“Me, too,” he replies immediately.

“Really?”

“Yes. I’m scared I’m rushing things. I feel like I’m playing catch up. I’m scared of the guilt weighing me down. I’m scared of screwing up my daughter.”

I can hear in his voice the way he’s holding back. There’s something he’s not telling me. “What else?”

I hold my breath and listen to him breathing in and out. “Reed?”

“I’m scared of falling hard again.”

That makes the breath whoosh out of my chest. He’s scared I’m going to hurt him again. That’s what he’s not saying. He’s afraid that I won’t return his feelings or that I’ll lie to him again.

“Reed?”

“Yeah?” His voice is quiet, a little rough. It makes me want to be there with him, curl up against his chest. Inhale his manly scent — like he’s been outside in the fresh mountain air all day.

“Whatever this is between us? I’m not going to run away again. I know you need time. When I heard you were moving home, I had no expectations. Being with you, it’s a surprise but the best kind of surprise there is. However slow you need to take us, I’m okay with that. Assuming, of course, that you want an us.”

“That’s the problem, though. I don’t want to go slow. I don’t need time. I missed too many years with you but at the same time, the guilt over losing Katherine such a short time ago consumes me.”

I understand what he’s saying, but nothing I tell him can fix it. He needs to come to terms with it himself. I get under the covers in my bed, lay my head back against the pillow, and roll over. My sheets still smell like him.

“Tell me about her,” I whisper.

“Katherine?”

“Yes. I think… I need to know her.”

He’s quiet for a moment before he says, “She was kind. Frustrating. Always worried. Really pretty. Loved to watch basketball. Any way she could. College, NBA, women’s, men’s. She’d go to local high school games even though she didn’t know the players. Hated soda. The bubbles pissed her off. She hated the cold. I was always waiting for her to ask me to move to Florida. That’s where her sister lived. But she said she couldn’t imagine living anywhere but Montana.”

“She didn’t like the snow?” I ask, incredulously. Reed prefers the cold and snow over hot summer days at the beach. Or at least, he did.

“I know. She always said I loved it enough for the both of us. She knew about you. Felt it, I think. That’s one of the things she always worried over.”

I close my eyes, feeling his pain as my own. Guilt. Oh, yeah, he’s got some major guilt happening. “I’m sorry.”

“Not your fault. It was me. I carried a piece of you with me even when I tried like hell to let you go. Couldn’t. Realized I didn’t want to. Anyway, she felt it but eventually moved on. Trusted me. She didn’t laugh easily but loved to be teased, she just hated to admit it. We met in college, you know.”

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