Page 32 of Together

Uh oh.

Ohhh. No.

A month seems to be the common denominator here.

The more he talks about who he believes I was, the more it makes me realize that the entire time I was with Zachary, I pretended. A lot. I put on a front. One that made me look exactly like the person he’s describing. He’s not wrong in believing that I was perfect. That’s who I wanted him to think I was and apparently I did a damn fine job of making it happen.

“I never felt like I was worthy of being in your presence.”

Well, that’s a little extreme. Right? “That’s such a load of crap. You did, too.”

“Not very often.”

“Zachary, you’re starting to make me mad.”

“Never mind the fact that you managed to do more in one day than most did in a week. Whenever we’d go out somewhere, I swear you had this glow to you that drew people in. It was impossible to compete with.”

Never mind. I wasn’t mad before. Now I’mreallymad. My voice is unrecognizable when I growl, “Compete with? What the heck is that supposed to mean, Zachary?”

“Poor choice in words,” he mutters.

“Ya think?”

“But here’s the deal, that old saying,it wasn’t you, it was me? That rings very true in this case. It was exhausting being with you.”

Over the past month, I’ve felt a range of emotions ranging from frustration, confusion, and settling on anger over Zachary breaking up with me. I blamed him for everything.

“It’s not me, it’s you? That’s what you’re trying to say here?”

He sighs, frustrated with me. “So, you’re pregnant?” he asks, changing the subject.

“As it turns out, I’m not quite as perfect as I’d led you to believe. I don’t even know why I called you tonight,” I admit.

After a long pause, he asks quietly, “Are you scared?”

That’s a good question. My immediate reaction is to tell him no, and maybe that’s because I’m still trying to keep up with the appearance I held so tight to while we were dating. Red flags are going up all around me, memories flashing through my mind. They’re not exactly pleasant, either. A lot of moments in my life where I chose to pretend because I was so worried about being alone. That’s not the kind of person I want to be and I need to be better.

Instead of continuing with the lie, even a small one, I admit the truth to Zachary. “I didn’t think so, then I realized I was scared out of my mind. Right now, I’m settling firmly in the middle. It’s a comfortable place to stay, at least for a little while.”

“Nice and safe in the middle,” he agrees.

“Exactly.”

“You could even travel to denial, the better-looking cousin.”

“Oh yes, I’ve been there. Lovely place. Nice yards.”

He laughs lightly. “I’ve heard great things.”

“To answer your earlier question, I’m appropriately scared. But, I’ve already let the father know, and thankfully he took it pretty well.”

“Wow. He did?”

“Yeah, he did. He’s a pretty good guy. I’ll tell my parents tomorrow when I go there for Christmas, and I’ll call to schedule an appointment with my doctor tomorrow, too. My savings account is big enough that I’ll be able to buy what the baby needs to get started. Plus, my insurance through the dental office covers maternity care.”

“Sounds like you’ve got it all figured out. Typical Ashley. No challenge is too great for you.”

Suddenly I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin. How did I become this person? The one who changed everything about themselves to keep the guy? Worse yet, it was a guy that if I really think about it, wasn’t meant for me. For one thing, if I have to change who I am just to keep him interested, then clearly it’s not a good match.

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