Page 34 of Never Really Over

Stirring the eggs, I add in some shredded cheese and stir once more. “It’s a little different now, wouldn’t you say?” I place a handful of blueberries in one of the compartments on Poppy’s plate. “We’ve both grown up and are happy. Well, I wouldn’t necessarily say I’m particularly happy at the moment but I was.”

I see something out of the corner of my eye and I spin away from the stove just in time to see Poppy…walking.For the first time in her little life, she’s walking unaided.

“Holy shit!” I shout and somehow have the mind enough to turn off the stove and move the pan away from the heat.

“What? What? Is everything okay?” Layla asks but I don’t even care enough at the moment to respond aside from rushing out a quick, “Layla, I gotta go, okay?” because my little Tootsie Pop is actually doing the thing. The thing we’ve been working for. She’s eleven months old and she’s like the actual smartest kid on the planet. I know other kids walk earlier, but they’re not my Poppy.

“Holy moly, baby girl! Look at you!” I say happily as she squeals and laughs. She starts clapping for herself and promptly falls right on her diaper-covered bottom. “I’m so proud of you!” She giggles again and I clap for her which makes her clap, too. I help her stand up. “Let’s try this again, Tootsie Pop. Can you do that for me?”

After taking a few steps back, I extend my arms and encourage her to walk toward me, wishing I’d had my camera ready to record this monumental occasion. I need to call Natalie and tell her to get her ass over here so she can see it…

That’s when I remember I can’t call Natalie anymore. And that sucks more than anything. She’d be a bawling mess right now and would be so proud of her little girl.

I grab the phone off the counter and open up the camera app so I can do what I’m supposed to be doing. Poppy plops down one more time so I help her stand and start recording just in time to see her walk a few steps toward me.

“Oh my gosh, you’re such a big girl! Look at you go!” I encourage her to keep going and this time I luckily get it on camera. I’m honestly not sure who I’ll share it with because I’m not sure my parents will even care. Mason’s will, so I’ll show it to them and some of my friends will be excited.

I’ve never felt so alone in my life.

Natalie was my person. My best friend. I’m not even ashamed of the fact that my sister was my best friend. I sit on the floor in front of Poppy and she keeps walking, falling down, walking again, falling down again. But every single time, she gets back up.

I wish I could do the same.

Right now, I don’t feel like I can get up. The second I got the phone call, I went down and never got back up. The only thing that’s keeping me motivated and moving me forward is Poppy and right now, that’s enough to get me out of bed in the morning.

I pull her in, settling her on my lap. She takes my hands and places them on her little legs, patting them with her tiny ones. I kiss her cheek then kiss her head and her cheek again before hugging her and rocking us back and forth.

This little girl has saved me from the depths of depression when she came into this world and she’s saving me now.

A tear slides down my cheek and she turns around, wrapping her arms around my neck and stands up to give me a hug.

“I love you so much, Tootsie Pop.”

Like she understands how much I need her and how true my words are, she clings tightly to me. The strong grip she has on me breaks something loose that I’ve been holding in since my sister died and the few tears that were slipping down my cheeks turn into floodgates. The roles reverse on me, and now Poppy is comforting me, letting me weep and cry and let out all the pain I’ve been feeling. The pain that has such a tight grip on me that I can’t seem to do much more than care for Poppy. She’s the only reason I’m moving forward. My sister trusted me with her daughter. Not just to keep her alive, but to give her a good life and care for her and love her like she deserves to be loved. To watch over her and be there for her, to help her grow up into the woman as amazing as herself.

That’s what Natalie trusted me to do when she named me her guardian if anything were to happen to her and Mason. And that’s what I’ll do. If I have to hide my sadness, give up on having any sort of personal life, and live the rest of my life only for Poppy and being a farmer, I will. That’s what Poppy deserves. That’s what Natalie deserves. Might not be what she would want, but it’s definitely what she deserves.

Dying too soon is not what she deserved. Not seeing her daughter grow up isn’t what she deserved. Dying on that highway isn’t what she deserved.

I take a deep breath, willing the tears to subside. I’ve been trying my best not to let anger take over but it’s exhausting putting on a brave face every single day.

“Ready to eat some breakfast so we can go see your cows?” I ask Poppy, sucking back the rest of my emotions.

She sits back and looks at me, big smile on her chubby face. The cows always make her happy.

I stand up from the floor, lifting Poppy in my arms and walk to the kitchen just as I hear a car pulling up. Fast. Dust billows from the gravel driveway. A quick look out the kitchen window and my heart sinks.

“What in the world is she doing here?” I wonder aloud.

“Colt!” Layla shouts, slamming her car door behind her as she runs to the house. In pajamas. And rubber boots. And still breathtakingly beautiful. Ridiculous, but beautiful, nonetheless. “Colt!”

I meet her at the door with what I’m sure is a confused look on my face.

“Yes?”

“Are you okay?”

“Yes?” I repeat. “Why?”

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