Page 30 of Radiant Shadows

His expression sobered, his eyes darkening, but he nodded. And in my altered state, I could sympathize with what he must be feeling hearing me say that. I remembered how greatly it had upset me when Shea told me about her and Julian’s…extracurricularactivities.

And yet, the memory wasn’t enough to keep from asking about it. “When did you and Shea… When did your involvement…” The fog in my head was making it even more difficult to form the words.

“It was a few days after Thanksgiving,” he said, all humor gone from his voice, his eyes cast off to the side. “She had been coming to my apartment to practice with the grimoire. She called me to show me a spell she found, and I had been very thirsty at the time, and—”

“Okay,” I cut him off. I could already see where this story was going, and I didn’t want to hear the gory details of the ending.

Part of me wanted to lash out at him for attacking Shea, but, though it was slightly different, I had done the same thing only a week ago. This whole situation left me feeling possessive, rejected, oddly turned on, and mostly confused.

“So, where do we go from here?” Julian asked after a moment.

I dropped my shoulders and hung my head back. “I have no idea.” I returned my head to eye level and locked eyes with him. “Do you even really want her?”

He stiffened, his facial muscles twitching ever so slightly. He looked down at his lap and sighed. “Shea has made me feel things I never thought I could feel again. Things I haven’t felt in a hundred and fifty years.”

“Alice,” I said.

He nodded. “I don’t know what to do with these feelings. I only befriended Shea in the hopes of getting Alice back. Wanting her, caring for her, makes me feel like I’m betraying Alice.”

My heart tugged over his obvious misery, running my mouth with things I never would’ve said sober. “Have you ever considered that Alice might want you to move on? She wouldn’t want you to mourn her forever, to be bound to her memory alone.”

“That’s what Shea said,” he murmured, looking off to the side. “But I’ve dedicated my immortal life to this quest of bringing her back. Giving up on that feels like the ultimate disgrace to her.”

I leaned forward, reaching across the table to put my hand on his knee. “After a century and a half, I would hope that she’s foundpeace. And if she has, how horrible would it be to rip her away from that and bring her back into this shit hole?”

He hung his head and laughed, a dark, tight sound, and when he lifted his head again, I could see blood tears trailing down his cheeks.

“Don’t get me wrong. My problems—or at least one of them—would be solved if you stuck to your vow and denied Shea.”

He chuckled again, wiping at his face with his hands, leaving only the faintest trace of red behind. He blinked a few times, my guess was to hold in more tears, then looked at me.

“Let’s say I were to let go of that dream. Where would that leave us? Would we share her?” He asked the last question as if the idea was unthinkable.

And before that moment, it had been. But right now—probably because of the scotch freeing my inhibitions—it didn’t sound quite so horrible.

Julian was a good man—er, vampire—even if I had only moments ago accused him of betraying me to Hadrian. And with me stuck at the Dome most of the time, it was nice to know she had one other guardian angel at her disposal.

Holy fuck, was I actually considering this?

Could I really devote myself to someone who wasn’t willing to devote herself to only me?

And yet, I hadn’t done that, had I? I hadn’t done everything in my power to make Shea a student at the school. I had hidden any sign of our relationship from everyone at every possible turn. She wasn’t wrong about being my “dirty little secret,” and that wasn’t okay. I needed to fix that.

“Caesar?” Julian waved his hand in front of my face, trying to get my attention.

I shook my head. “Sorry, I was thinking. I guess we both have some stuff to figure out. You need to deal with your grief and make a decision, and I need to do right by her with the Dome.”

He nodded, a tumultuous storm of indecision raging in his eyes. Then he picked up the glass bottle and poured another round of shots. “One last shot—before you pass out.”

As the motion of scoffing made my head feel light and airy, I silently agreed he was right. But I wanted that last shot, dammit. Because now I had a bigger job than any that had come before.

I needed to convince Celeste, Kai, and the other professors that Shea belonged at the Dome.

Chapter 12

Julian

As I tucked my unconscious gryphon friend into bed, I envied the effect the scotch clearly had on him. Apparently, alcohol didnotwork as impotently in shifters as it did in vampires. Though I had never been much of a drinker in life, I did occasionally indulge when the misery of immortality and the pain of Alice’s loss became too great.

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