Page 60 of Just Forever

“I don’t know why this heartless side of yours turns me on, but it does.”

“It’s because you’re so nice.”

“I am nice. What’s that got to do with anything?”

“I think it’s, like, a reassurance thing. You’re all honorable, so when you need to kick somebody below the belt, or just conduct general sabotage, or be petty and mean and bitchy, possibly passive aggressive, or straight-up aggressive… I’ll do it. And I won’t feel bad about it in the slightest. Basically, I’m a dick. And I’ve got your back.”

“That’s sweet. You’re my dick.”

“Yes. And I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m pretty tall.”

That’s followed by a moment of confused silence. Then he snorts loudly. “So, I’ve got a really big dick.”

“You’ll need feet to measure yours, not just inches.”

“Oh damn. I’m a catch.”

We both laugh. Heaviness is warring with lightness in my chest. I’m a little sad, but for right now I get to talk to Ryk,so while it’s a lousy substitute for having him here, at least it’s something.

“Fuck, I miss you,” he sighs.

I bury the sadness and put some lightness into my tone. “You’ll be home tomorrow.”

“I better be,” he mutters darkly.

“Are you giving the snow the stink eye?” I ask with a laugh.

“It’s nothing less than it deserves.”

We talk until Ryk has to go grab dinner, and since I have nothing better to do with myself now that he’s not coming home, I drag myself into bed.

The plan is to sleep, but once I’ve taken a shower, brushed my teeth, and gotten under the covers, I’m back to staring at the ceiling.

Well.

That’s not annoying at all.

I debate getting up again to do something useful with my time. Study. Clean the bathroom. Go to a fucking movie. Anything at this point to get rid of the restlessness that’s skittering beneath my skin.

I don’t do any of it.

It’s Friday night, and I’m twenty-three. What kind of twenty-three-year-old spends their Friday night cleaning the bathroom?

The thought of studying doesn’t appeal either, for once.

The room seems abnormally quiet, except for the faint noises of the city somewhere in the background. It makes me feel small, all of a sudden.

I grab my phone, finger hovering over Ryker’s name.

But then I put the phone down on my chest.

He’ll hear it in my voice that something’s wrong, and since I can’t exactly explain what’s wrong with me right now, he’ll start to worry, and he doesn’t need that when it’s just me being stupid.

I’d call Rachel and Sawyer, but they’re somewhere on the other side of the world by now, and I have no idea what time it might be in Tahiti and no energy to look.

I press my thumb down on Kelly’s name and then I listen to the phone ring for the longest time. He doesn’t pick up. He’s probably at work. Maybe hooking up with somebody. Maybe just sleeping.

I kind of identify that restless, nagging sadness that’s taken up residence inside me then.

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