Page 81 of Just Forever

I should never haveallowedany of this to happen.

I know better.

The absolute shittiest, worst part of this?

I’m not angry.

God, I wish I was angry.

I wish I wanted to punch somebody.

I wish I wanted to light something on fire.

That would be easier. That’s how I’ve gotten through whatever life has thrown at me so far. But sometime over the course of my time with Ryker I’ve removed every one of my protective layers. All the cynicism and distrust and anger and bitterness I’ve surrounded myself with and used as my armor for years has somehow disappeared, so I’m not angry.

I’m punched in the throat.

And…

There’s this sense of worthlessness that creeps through me, inch by inch until I’m filled to the brim.

Not good enough.

Not good enough.

Not fucking good enough!

I nearly jump out of my skin when somebody stumbles into me from behind.

“Sorry, dude,” the guy says, and he and his friends keep walking, their laughter echoing through the night.

I draw in a deep breath of the cold night air and grit my teeth.

I’m not going to think about it.

Not right now.

Maybe not ever.

Probably never.

That sounds like a plan.

I’ll just pretend none of this ever happened. That rotten feeling will disappear after a while, and things will be good again. Because I’m good.We’regood. Ryker and me. We’re good.

Minus the part where I still feel like something’s stuck in my throat. Minus the swirling betrayal in my gut.

I glance toward the entrance of the bar.

Fuck me, I can’t go in there right now. I can’t go in there like this. Ryker will take one look at me and know something is wrong with me.

I don’t want that.

I don’t want him to worry about me.

I don’t want him to feel sorry for me.

I don’t want him to feel like he has to constantly fix me. Like I’m a liability for him. Somebody who’s always going to screw up with his insecurities and issues.

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