Page 90 of Just Forever

“I was...” My voice sounds too hollow, and Ryk is frowning when he looks at me, and I need him to hold me, but I can’t have him worrying about me.

“I missed your game. I’m sorry. Did you guys win?”

“My…” He looks down and shakes his head, and his frown deepens. “Yeah, we won.”

I nod and try to smile, but it probably looks like a grimace.

“Congrats,” I say, and that, too, sounds pathetic, so I try again. “That’s great.”

“Where have you been?” he asks again.

“I… I got lost,” I say. Which is true in a way, but not in the way Ryk takes it.

“You got lost,” he repeats.

All I can do is nod.

He stares at me for a few more seconds before he takes my hand and pulls me into the apartment. In the living room, he sits me down by the counter.

“Are you hungry?”

I have no idea, if I’m being honest, but I nod anyway because eating seems normal, and I could really, really use some normalcy right about now.

He starts making me a sandwich, and I sit and watch and wait to feel like myself again, but I just can’t seem to force myself to feel at home inside my own body right now, and it agitates and irritates and makes me tap my fingers on the counter restlessly and bounce my foot on the stool.

Ryker ignores my twitching and slides the plate of sandwiches in front of me. I look at it like I’ve never seen food before because I suddenly can’t seem to remember what I’m supposed to do with it.

“Are you gonna tell me what’s wrong?” he asks after I’ve spent some time staring at the sandwiches while he’s been staring at me.

I stretch my mouth into a grin. “Just a really long day.”

He comes and sits down next to me. Nudges the plate closer. I take one of the sandwiches and take a bite. It tastes like nothing, but I dutifully force it down.

By the time I’m done, Ryk is playing with his fingers, wringing them, eyes fixed on his hands, looking like the weight of the world is on his shoulders.

“Are you going to tell me what’s really going on?” he eventually says.

My heart picks up speed, pounding in my throat in a sickeningly fast rhythm.

“Nothing’s going on.”

I could really use a drink right about now.

“Lake,” he says when I fail to say anything else. There’s a tiny bit of wariness in his tone now. My heart beats even faster. Even louder.

“I’m okay,” I say.

“You haven’t been okay for weeks.”

I rub a palm over my face and try to gather my strength. I need to be strong for Ryker. For us. He doesn’t deserve all this shit that comes with me. And what if… What if it’s too much?

He sighs and rakes his fingers through his hair. “Look, I know it’s been difficult. I know I’m pretty much forcing you back into the closet, and it’s so fucking much to ask, and I shouldn’t. I know… I know you’re lonely. I know it’s my fault.” He squeezes the hand still in his hair into a fist for a moment. “I should never have asked you to do this. I didn’t get it before because it was all new, and I didn’t know, but I’m starting to get it. It’s goddamn exhausting, isn’t it? To hide who you really are. I get it now, and I’m so sorry.”

I’m trying to understand what he’s saying, but my brain seems very sluggish right now.

“That’s—” I start to say, but he’s already shaking his head.

“No, please. Let me finish, okay? I’ve been thinking about this a lot, and I have things to say. I think there’s a way we can make things better, because I can’t have you be unhappy. You’re the single most important person in my life. Hell, youaremy life. Nobody else matters. Nothing else matters. Just you. Whatever I have to do, so you’ll be okay, I will. Tell me you know that.”

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