Page 92 of Until We Meet Again

I laugh to try to ease her. "You got that from me saying, 'Hey'?" Her eyes haven't opened, but she can still read me like a book.

"You know, don't you?"

I swallow down every ounce of pain that threatens to consume me. "Yeah, I know."

"Please don't be sad."

"Kim…"

"I'm ready, Zane."

"I'm not. I'm never going to be ready to lose you."

"You have to… I can’t go knowing you’re not okay." Her eyes open, and she slowly turns her face to mine. "I can’t leave you… not until I know you’ll be okay without me." A tear slips fromher eye, rolling down her cheek, and I know it’s not for her. It’s for me.

"Don't talk like that. You're still here. We still have time."

"We don’t, but it’s okay… I’m going to be okay." The weight on my chest explodes, and I choke back a sob as tears fill my eyes.

"Is there anything you need? Can I do anything?"

"Be happy… Live, love, don’t waste any… any time."

"How can you expect me to be happy without you, huh? You're my best friend."

"Needy." It comes out on a cough, and I don't know whether to laugh or break down crying, but I see the slight crease on her lips, and I end up doing both as laughter and tears escape me at the same time. "I told you I'd send your soulmate, remember?" I nod at her, doing everything possible to bring her some peace. "You won't be alone."

She's getting tired. I can hear her voice growing weaker, and I notice the way her eyelids are starting to droop. I'm not ready for her to go to sleep. I'm not prepared for this to be our last conversation.

I'm not ready.

"She'll be an angel." She barely gets the last word out, but I don't miss it.

I'm scared I haven't said everything I need to say to her, and I'm running out of chances.

Have I told her how much she means to me? Does she know how grateful I am to have come into this life with her? Did I tell her how proud I am of her? Does she know how much I love her and how much I'm going to miss her?

"Kim?" I whisper, my voice trembling as I lean closer to her ear. "I love you. You know that, don't you? I love you so much…" I choke out, tears streaming down my face. She weakly squeezes my hand, but it's enough to show me she's listening, and as she starts to drift back to sleep, I sob out the only thingI'm feeling. "I need you. I need you." My lips touch her forehead as she drifts back into sleep, and I know this is the last time I will hear her voice. I can feel it in my heart that she's said everything she needed to. "I promise I'll be okay." I try to give her the peace she needs, even if I don't believe it. Holding tightly onto her hand, I soak up her warmth, etching this moment down into my soul for the rest of my life as I silently say goodbye.

I bolt upright, gasping for air, my body drenched in sweat. My heart's hammering so hard that I can hear it pounding in my throat. It's been a while since my memories have haunted my dreams, but last night, I had to relive one of the hardest. Without thinking, I reach out to Tessa, only to remember that not only am I not in my bed, but she isn't lying beside me.

Everything from last night rushes back and hits me square in the face, and even though we were both intoxicated—which is probably why Tessa felt able to give me her truth—it won't change a damn thing.

I can't bring myself to tell her I love her or allow my heart to fall for her completely when the last person I said those three words to never woke up. I never got to hear her voice again or see her smile, and I carry that pain with me every single day.

Tessa deserves better than me.

She deserves more than a broken man.

She deserves someone who can openly love her without needing to run from it every five seconds.

Climbing from the unfamiliar bed, I quietly walk toward my bedroom, hoping Tessa's still sleeping. I stand outside the door, holding my breath for a second, listening for any signs of movement, but there's nothing but silence. I try to open the door quietly, wincing when I hear the handle creak, but as I push it open, I realize she isn't there. Panic rises inside me as I turn and sprint back to the room I was sleeping in. I search to find myphone, and as soon as I spot it, I quickly pick it up, unlock it, and find a message from her.

T: I didn't want to wake you, but I'm okay. I'm sorry I didn't say goodbye. Please understand that I just couldn't. P.S. Whatever happened that hurt you, I hope one day you can let someone in to help you heal.

I stagger back, my legs giving way as the force of her words crushes my chest.

My heart is heavy after spending the rest of the weekend alone at home, and the memories of her are still fresh in my mind. Feeling the loss of her and trying to control the constant urge to check in and know she's okay has been almost unbearable at times.

---