Page 121 of Every Move You Make

She was strong. She was loud. She was sunshine... and she made every last one of us better.

All at once, I feel as though I’m falling off a cliff, remembering just how broken our life was after she died—how drastically our lives changed. At some point, the pain became normal, expected even. It’s like the curtains were drawn, shutting out the sun and all the levity that came with it.

It all catches up to me, emotion welling in my eyes before I clear my throat again. “December 25th. Merry Christmas, Isaiah. You spent the whole day toddling around, playing in tissue paper, and destroying the Christmas tree. We thought by putting the ornaments up higher, you would stop, but no. You’re a persistent little man and see the next best thing—lights!”

My partners chuckle once again, and I can just imagine my mom, animated as ever, shaking her head with a smile on her face.

I continue reading. “When the whole tree fell over (for the first time today), your big blue eyes looked for us, and you simply said, ‘Uh-oh!’ And oh goodness, you were so eager to help us fix it. My heart soars to see you so determined. You didn’t care that you made the mess, all you were focused on was moving forward and making everything better. I think I can learn a thing or two from you, Isaiah. I love you so much, my little Sugar Plum. Mama.”

Quickly closing the journal, I place it on the shelf next to me and wipe silly tears from my eyes.

“Baby,” Robyn says with a sad smile before wrapping mein a hug. “She sounds like the best mom.” Her words sink deep into my soul, and more memories of her flood my mind faster than the tears fall.

“She was.”

My face is buried in Robyn’s, and then a large hand warms the skin at the back of my neck. Dell manages to pull both of us into his arms as I let it all out for the first time in a long time. Maybe a decade.

Now I remember why I don’t like to think about her—because it hurts so goddamn much. It hurt when she died, but it hurt even worse when our family fell apart because of it.

“I miss her,” I croak, nearly choking on the pain.

“I know,” Dell whispers.

“It’s good that you’re thinking of her,” Robyn says softly.

“You’re a good son, Isaiah. Reading this was hard, but she left the journal for a reason, and you’re honoring her by doing this.”

“You think so?” I whisper through unsteady breathing, and I hate the feeling of being so unsure. I hate being out of control like this.

“Of course,” he says, and his confidence brings me around—it collects and calms me. It reminds me there is steady ground just ahead.

I just have to look up and find my lighthouse in them.

“Thank you for sharing this with us, baby,” Robyn hums.

I finally lift my head from her shoulder and take one long inhale. “I love you both. Thank you.”

“We’re always here for you,” Dell smiles sweetly and leans in for a kiss that relaxes every muscle in my body.How does he do that?“And we love you, too.”

We hold each other for a long time after that, and I’m not sure if it’s because they think I need it or if none of us are willing to break the safety of this emotional bubble we’ve created. But there’s a question knocking around my head, begging to be put out in the open.

Lamps have been switched off and we’re cuddled into each other, but I can still see their relaxed features. Now’s as good a time as any, I guess.

“Guys?”

“Yeah, baby?” Dell replies.

“How do you feel about kids? Like, your own,” I clarify.

Robyn simply kisses my chest and murmurs, “I love kids. But I don’t know if I want them. My whole career is based on my athletic abilities and my body is everything to me right now. But,” she sighs, “maybe someday.”

She’s right. I could never ask her to change her plans, her career, just to have kids. I mean, ever since Zofia and Dominico were born, I’ve considered what my life could look like with children of my own. But this is our situation, not mine alone.

“Not gonna lie,” Dell grins. “You two were giving me butterflies when I watched you play with the babies today. But, I can work withmaybesomeday.”

“Me too,” I smile. “It’s your call if you ever wanna make it, Robyn. We’re with you.”

1. I Will Follow You into the Dark (Instr. Version) by The O'Neill Brothers Group

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