Page 19 of Every Move You Make

“Of course,” she says. “And for you, sir?”

“We’ll start with the tuna tartare, and I’ll have the pork sausage and herb pasta.” When our server walks away, Dell turns his full attention back to me.

“How was that?” I ask, trying to hold back my desperation.

“How was what?”

“My order. Was it too much? Should I have ordered a salad?”

The gaping look he gives me only adds to my nervousness. “Who are you right now?”

I take a fortifying drink of my wine. “I don’t know. Should I order something more… delicate? More feminine?”

“Robyn, take a deep breath.” I do. “I would never expect you, an Olympic athlete, to order a damn salad for dinner. If your date thinks you should be eating something smaller, then they’re a trash human, got it? And it wouldn’t matter if you were an athlete or a librarian, lean or fat, you should order what you want.”

I take another deep breath to calm down. “You’re right. I know that. Not really sure what has come over me.”

“I was gonna say, based on your social media content, I’d never think you would be worried about something like your food order. Didn’t you recently post something about how the whole point of living is warm carbs?”

“I did,” I say fondly. “And dessert.”

“So why are you doubting yourself?”

“Because,” I sigh. “I don’t know. This guy…he’s seen me at my best and my worst. I mean, really, he’s seen me in some of my worst moments, physically. In college, there was more than one occasion he saw me with a bloody tampon up my nostril, covered head to toe in mud, and sunburnt to a crisp. I just…I wonder if I need to replace that image for him.”

Dell’s quiet for a long moment. “You shouldn’t be changing a goddamn thing about you, Robyn.”

My heart flutters, and I choke up—caught between feelings for two men, unable to decipher where to place my attention. But Dell’s words seep into my brain and flow straight to my heart.

Suddenly, I’m fighting back memories. “Then why do guys always treat me like a bro?” I sigh and roll the stem of my wine glass, watching it swirl. “I wear feminine clothing because I want to. I wear jewelry and perfume, and I style myself in a way I love. I know I dress on trend, but it doesn’t seem to matter to guys. I’ve been their secret hookup for so long. Or, the girlfriend they don’t tell their friends about. Either way, it always ends quickly.”

I finally look up at Dell, and he’s watching me with soft eyes. “So yeah, maybe I’m flailing. I’ve clearly been doing something wrong. Can you blame me for trying to reinvent myself?”

“I don’t blame you. But with absolute certainty, I can say those guys didn’t know their ass from their head. It would break my heart if you changed yourself because of someone else. So I’m going to tell you again,” he says, reaching to take my hand in his and brushing his thumb over my knuckles. “Do not change yourself. A good partner is someone who wants you to feel full, happy, and desired.”

I know what he’s saying is true, and I know in my heart ofhearts that changing myself isn’t going to magically bring all the boys to the yard. But maybe there’s a part of me that I’m not showing off enough. That’s what I want to find out.

“You speak like you’ve experienced that.”

“I had that for a time. Once.”

That piques my interest. “Who?”

He takes a sip of his wine, sets it down gently, and clears his throat. “I can trust you?”

“Of course.”

“I had an ex-boyfriend, Travis, who I dated during my senior year of high school and then again during college for a bit until I was about twenty-four. I had a ring for him and everything.”

I had no idea he had a serious partner before. The only things I’ve seen him take seriously are his business and his brand. He may post silly thirst traps, but he does so with a purpose.

“Anyway,” he continues, twisting the wine glass around with one hand while still holding my hand with the other. “Things got kinda rocky when Travis started going out with some new work friends. He was drinking more than I’d ever seen. Staying out all night. Ignoring me. Then I caught him making out with another guy at my cousin’s wedding. In a bathroom stall.”

My own heart aches for him. What a hard thing to have to go through.

“We fought all night. All week,” he says. “I was tired of being gaslit. I was tired of his bullshit. And when I said enough was enough, he threatened to…” He trails off, looking around, then back at me. With a lowered voice, he continues, “He threatened to upload a couple of videos we made.”

“Like…thosekinds of videos?”

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