Page 58 of Cocky Cruiser

I had her best interests at heart when I decided to leave. I was damaged and couldn’t give her what she deserved, and she deserved everything.

I was attempting to drink my sorrows away one night in my condo when I decided to look at Cara’s list. I hadn’t taken it out of my wallet since I’d crossed the cruise off back at the hotel. That was the night before I left Adele without saying goodbye.

I took a long swig of my drink. There was no way I would’ve been able to say goodbye to Adele in person without giving in to my wants and desires. So I’d left a goodbye note like a coward.

I’d lost count of how many times I’d taken my phone out and pulled up her number, or looked at the pictures she’d sent me throughout the cruise. I’d been so close to reaching out to her several times to apologize, but I never went through with it in the end.

Sighing, I unfolded Cara’s list and stared at it. Why the hell did she have to write that last thing down? I was never going to finish her list with that on there.

Cara had always wanted to fall in love. She was obsessed with the idea of love and companionship and having a partner to share life with. She didn’t think about the pain associated with loving someone and inevitably losing them.

I drained my glass and set it on the table. Cara didn’t understand because she didn’t have to go through losing a loved one like I had.

Laying on the couch, I closed my eyes. The alcohol was slowly dragging me under, and I was thankful for the reprieve from my thoughts.

Cara’s list fell from my hands as I murmured, “I’m sorry, Care Bear.”

A splash of water to the face jolted me awake. I sat up, startled and sputtering. “What the hell?”

Colin was standing over me with a empty glass. “Did you forget about this weekend?”

“Fuck.” I rubbed my hands over my face, trying to piece things together in my hungover mind. Then it clicked. “I’m sorry, man.”

“You’re an asshole, you know that?” Colin teased. “I’m only getting married once. You’d think you’d remember my bachelor party weekend.”

“I’m sorry. I just have a lot on my mind.”

Colin glanced down at the empty whiskey bottle on the table, then bent down to pick up Cara’s list from the floor. He frowned at me in concern. “This wouldn’t have anything to do with Adele, would it?”

Even the sound of her name caused a pain in my chest. “No,” I lied. “I was just upset that Cara made a list that could never be finished.”

Colin’s brows pulled together as he looked at the list. “Why is that? Everything on here seems pretty doable, and you’re more than halfway done.”

I scoffed. “Yeah, except you know my thoughts about love.”

He crossed his arms over his chest. “Not this again.”

“What?” I rubbed at my throbbing temples with a groan.

“You’re being irrational and stubborn. You already had it, and you threw it away.”

Anger started to build within me, and I stood, balling my fists. “You have no idea what you’re talking about. You know nothing about loss and pain.”

Colin barked a humorless chuckle. “Oh yeah? Well, all you think about is yourself. You close yourself off to everyone when all your sister ever wanted was for you to live. And love is a part of living.”

I was so livid I could barely see straight. If I wasn’t so hungover, I would’ve knocked Colin out. “Cara didn’t understand the loss and pain associated with love. If she did, she wouldn’t want me to go through it again. She didn’t have to deal with the pain of losing a loved one like I did when I lost her.”

Colin shook his head, poking me in the chest with his finger. “All you’ve thought about since Cara died is what you lost. Did you ever think about what she lost? About what she would never have?”

My jaw dropped, and I stared at him, dumbfounded and at a loss for words.

“You lost her, but every day of her life, she was slowly losing every person she ever loved; you, your mom, your dad. Can you imagine what that was like for her? To know she would eventually lose all of you?”

I frowned as guilt twisted my stomach. I’d never looked at Cara’s death through her perspective or took her feelings into consideration.

“And here you are, angry over one item on her list when you’re standing here breathing. You have the ability to do every single thing on here that she never could. She never got the chance to fall in love, and you threw the chance you had away because of what? Because you’re afraid of losing someone you love again? At least you have the chance to love.”

I couldn’t even look my best friend in the eyes. I was so ashamed of myself. He was right, and I was a selfish asshole.

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