Page 113 of Never Will I Ever

He’s not fazed. “To see your friends? That’s fine. There’s always—”

“No, Dad. I’m not going back to Foltyn.”

To his credit, my father does meet my gaze this time, his eyes narrowing. “What do you mean you’re not going?”

“Exactly that,” I utter calmly, despite feeling anything but. “I’m not sure what there is to not understand.”

There’s a beat of silence where he studies me before setting down his coffee.

“What in the world has gotten into you?” Pressing his palms to the counter, he rises to stand. “After all the work we’ve put in over the summer—”

Oh, no.

“Let’s get one thing straight:I’mthe one who put in the work, not you,” I snap, despite my better judgment. “I busted my ass at that camp, I earned my way back into Foltyn, and now, I get to decide if that’s even what I want.”

“What you want?” he echoes through a bark of laughter. “You’re barely an adult. Do you really think you have any clue about what you want?”

“Maybe not, but I sure as fuck know what Idon’twant. And being like you takes the number one spot.”

He blinks a few times before shaking off my blow. “I don’t know what’s gotten into you since going to that camp, but—”

“What’s gotten into me is that I’m so sick of living a lie. Because all it’s done is make me fucking miserable.”

Jesus Christ, he can’t really be this dense?

But apparently, he can. I shouldn’t be surprised, since he never listens to a word I say.

“Living a lie?” His brows furrow, and he takes a step back to lean against the counter behind him. “Son, if you don’t think Foltyn is the right fit, then we can transfer you.”

“For fuck’s sake, this doesn’t have anything to do with school and everything to do with the fact that I’m gay!” I shout, tossing my arms out in front of me. “That’s the lie, Dad. I’m. Gay.”

Shame claws at my mind, but I don’t back down or cower from it.

The gloves are off now. The hardest thing to say in my life is out in the open…and the weight of is slowly starting to dissipate.

My father, on the other hand, looks equally dazed and confused as he crosses his arms over his chest. “Look, if something unseemly happened at that camp, you can tell me. Colin might be a friend and a client, but you’re my son. If you were put in some sort of position—”

“The only position I’ve been put in was thanks to you, Dad.” I can feel my face contort with some mixture of a grimace and snarl. “You’re the one who orchestrated this entire thing, after all. And I’m not just talking about me spending half the summer at Alpine Ridge either. Every hateful word or malicious action that’s ever come from me is all in direct connection to you.”

“How dare you put your decisions on me?” The words come out with a harsh bite but still in his low, even tone. Always keeping his composure. “You have this thing called free will. Use it. Don’tblame me for your mistakes.”

“How dareI?” A maniacal laugh leaves me, and I rake my fingers through my hair. “How dareyou,Dad? I’ve been your disaster in the making foryears.I’ve turned my back on myself, on the things I want, on what is gonna make me happy, and for what? So I can be like you? So I can be filled with hate and ignorance?” I shake my head, my sardonic laughter slowly fading. “No, Dad. I’m done living that way.”

He scoffs, his hands dropping to grip the counter behind him. “I never—”

A violent, feral snarl leaves my mouth, and I slam my fist down on the counter. “Just stop talking and fucking listen to me for once!”

He opens his mouth to say something, but the look on my face must make him think better of it. I can feel the blood pumping through my veins with every beat my heart takes, and I focus my mind on it. Using it as a cadence to follow as I speak in a low, even tone. The same one he’s taught me over the years.

“When I look in the mirror, I hate myself. I hate the person I’ve become; the one you’ve had a hand in creating. You wanna talk about owning mistakes? Well, this is yours. Raising me to see myself as less than, and all over something I can’t control. I have voices in my head screaming at me about how vile and disgusting I am, and it’s been slowly turning me into someone I can’t stand.” My voice cracks slightly, but I clear my throat and push through. “You’ve made me despise myself for far too long, and I’m not gonna do it anymore. I’ve worked too fucking hard to put those demons to rest for you to break them back out of their cage.”

“Avery. Son, look…” He looks almost pained as he looks at me, eyes a mess of confusion. “If this is some sort of cry for help, we can find you a—a shrink or someone. We can fix—”

“I’m not a problem for you to fix! This is who Iam,Dad. It’swho I’ve always been. I’ve just been terrified to show it.” I slowly link my fingers behind my head and look up at the ceiling, doing my best to calm my racing heart. Tears threaten to spill over and I blink them back, doing my best to keep my shit together.

“I found someone who saw me—the real fucking me—Dad. Someone who showed me what it was like to be free. To not hide in the shadows from who I am. To release some of this shame that I should’ve never had to live with in the first place. And he gave me the confidence to look at myself in the mirror and make the changes I need to in order to be happy with the person I see staring back at me.” I can’t keep the emotions from thickening my voice anymore, each word cracking and breaking as I speak. “And then you showed up at camp and…I tossed him aside. I walked away from someone I love because I was afraid of what you’d think of me. But I’m not gonna do that anymore. I never should have in the first place.”

A few stray tears manage to escape, despite my best efforts, but they’re tears of healing as much as they are tears of pain. I feel lighter and lighter with every word and each salty drop. Like the weight of the world is slowly starting to recede.

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