Page 45 of Never Will I Ever

“What?”

“Why don’t you want to be?”

Avery’s lips form a grimace, distorting his features. “There’s this…I dunno. A voice, I guess, in my head sometimes. Shame screaming at me, telling me how disgusting it is for me to want the things I do. Not wanting them in the first place would make it a helluva lot easier to manage.”

Just like that, pieces start falling into place.

When it comes to sexuality, I’ve realized sometimes the ones who scream the loudest against us are the ones harboring the very same secret.

Internal homophobia isn’t something I’ve ever struggled with, and I thank my lucky stars for that every single day. Having a family who is loving and accepting of me is all anyone asks for, but especially when you’re a kid growing up in any aspect that “deviates from the norm.”

Only having met Avery’s father a handful of times over the past few years, it doesn’t take a genius to realize he grew up with the exact opposite.

But whatdoesn’tmake sense is…

“Why did you wait untilnowto tell me? Why not years ago, when we were still friends?”

But even as I ask, I realize the answer. It’s written in misery, right there on his face.

“I couldn’t even admit it to myself, let alone another person.” His head hangs in defeat as he stares at his hands, picking at his nails like they’re the most interesting thing in the world. “I still…don’t think I’m ready to say it to anyone else.”

Rather than being angry or frustrated, I find myself nodding in understanding. His timeline is his own, and there’s nothing wrong with waiting until he’s ready. One person at a time, or the entire world at once. It’s his choice to make.

Ironic, considering it was a choice he’d taken away from others.

His brows form a tight knot in the glow of the lamplight as he leans back on his palms, and it’s almost like he was reading my mind when he mutters, “Keene ghosted me last year.”

Once again, it takes me a second to process his statement, but something in it doesn’t quite add up in my head. “What are you talking about?”

A hint of surprise flashes in his eyes, but his brows remain drawn. “He didn’t tell you?”

Tell me what?!

But rather than screaming it for the world to hear, I shake myhead silently.

Avery’s gaze flicks to me briefly before shifting to the lake again. Despite the somewhat relaxed pose, tension still lines his face, clearly attempting to coax the words out of himself. But I don’t press him. I wait.

I wait for him to be ready. However long that takes.

“Earlier during last school year, we started talking. Texting and whatever. A lot.” He pauses and swallows before his gaze drops down to where his feet swish through the water. “We talked about…questioning things and accepting who we are and shit. As it turns out, we both were pretty fucked-up with our sexuality. It was for different reasons, sure, but it was the most I’d felt seen or understood in a long time. It was almost like I had someone going through it with me.” He draws in a long, deep breath. “Except, he didn’t know it was me he was talking to.”

If I thought I was confused before, it’s got nothing on how I’m feeling now, staring at him like he’s grown two extra heads or started speaking in tongues.

“How is that possible?”

His teeth run over his lower lip before sinking them into the flesh momentarily. “Because all the conversations were happening on Toppr.”

I can’t help the way my brows shoot up at his mention of the gay hookup app, where anonymity is easily achieved, seeing as most people don’t show their face. Just whatever body part they deemed hot enough to post as a profile photo.

After matching with someone, it’s up to the user if they want to share more than that.

I’ve used it a time or two for hookups, but it wasn’t really my style. But I had no clue Keene was even on it, let alone Avery.

“Okay, so you obviously never met in person under your usernames while this was all happening.” All he does is shake his head in answer, so I move to my next question. “Then how didyou know it was Keene?”

He rolls his tongue along the inside of his cheek. “His freckles on his stomach. I’d seen them countless times in the locker room, and so when his profile photo showed the same ones, I had suspicions. And then a few times we’d both be online within a very small vicinity, and that only confirmed my theory.”

Well, damn. So much for anonymity.

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