Page 55 of Never Will I Ever

From the playful lilt in his voice and grin tugging at his lips, he’s perfectly aware of his word choice. Probably did it intentionally, if I had to bet money on it.

But despite the light, jesting tone, a darker side of the joke slices me straight to the bone.

“There’s nothing in my closet left to hide,” I mumble, focused on my now-empty beer. “I’m fucking sick of hiding it as it is.”

He doesn’t miss a beat before asking, “Is that why you kissed me? So you couldn’t hide anymore?”

I release a long sigh, which turns into a bit of a groan.

I’ve been both waiting for and dreading this question. Probably because the answer is just as convoluted as my feelings about my sexuality; a tangled web of fear, loathing, and desire I can’t even make sense of, let alone explain to someone else.

“I don’t know,” I whisper slowly, measuring my words. “Until that night with the whole campfire game, you being anythingother than straight never crossed my mind. Even if it had, I’d never allowed myself to even think ofanyguy like that. Not when it felt so unattainable.” I lift my gaze back to his and shrug. “But then the truth came out, and you were right there, and I just…couldn’t stop myself.”

His lips lift in the ghost of a smile. “Sounds like we’ve gotta work on your self-control.”

“Yeah, well, I wasn’t exactly planning to lust after the one guy I can’t fucking stand.”

Whoa, where the fuck did that come from?

Apparently the alcohol, while not enough to get me drunk, has loosened my lips enough to let my inside thoughts slip out. Because that most definitely wasnotsomething sober me would have said.

Or maybe Kaleb is right, and the elevation is making it hit me harder than expected.

Kaleb seems to take it in stride, though, because he smirks, and he raises his bottle toward me in mock cheers. “Can’t stand, huh? And here I thought we were on our way to friends again.”

Despite his playful tone, I’m hit with a wave of unease and start picking at the paper wrapping around the beer bottle, and mutter out a gruff, “Only just.”

And with the way my mouth is going, we’re sure to head right back to enemy territory.

Continuing my task, I peel the paper off until it’s bare glass, and shove the remnants of the label through the neck. Only once I’ve finished the task do I lift my gaze, landing first on the bow of his lips, framed by his dark scruff, before reaching his eyes.

“Attraction is a strange thing,” he whispers, all low and husky. “I’d be a fucking liar if I said I wasn’t attracted to you.”

The words hang in the air between us, leaving me speechless.

I’d have to be blind and stupid not to realize the tension between the two of us has changed ever since I kissed him.Granted, it caused a lot of animosity to kick up a notch for a hot minute. But since making an effort to truly mend fences, a lot of the tension has shifted in nature, becoming a strange sort of simmering that feels eerily similar to…butterflies.

They rip though my stomach in a flurry whenever our eyes lock. Or when we’re close enough that I can feel the heat of his body radiating toward mine, they turn into a swarm so violent, sometimes I think I might take flight myself.

Kaleb swallows roughly before glancing away, effectively breaking the moment.

I’m surprised to find myself…disappointed by it, but I know he probably did us both a favor. We’re currently skating on thin ice as it is. One wrong move, and we both risk it cracking beneath our feet. Or worse, falling beneath the surface with no way out.

Self-preservation tells me I should flee for solid ground, for safety and security, rather than diving headfirst into whatever Kaleb has begun stirring up inside me.

Because, his acceptance and forgiveness aside, I’m still conflicted.

About how I feel. Who I am.

And…who I want.

It’s revolting!

Shame’s voice scratches against the inside of my skull, and my eyes sink closed. As if removing the object of my desire from view is enough to stop it from screaming at me.

Kaleb clears his throat. “If that was too much—”

Eyes still closed, I shake my head, the back of it rolling against the wooden cabin wall.

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