Page 90 of Never Will I Ever

“Sure did, Aves. Rebellious enough for you?”

Moonlight streams in through the cabin’s window, creating streaks of light against the wall over my bed that look like laser beams. I’ve been studying them silently for the better part of anhour, all while listening to the wind rustling the trees outside and the soft sound of Avery’s gentle breathing.

He’s peacefully asleep beside me, his forehead pressed against the side of my neck, and it stirs conflicted feelings in my chest.

I’m aware letting him spend the night is most likely a mistake. It’s one I had no intention of making once we got back to the cabin—snacks in tow—to watch a few episodes ofCriminal Mindsbefore it was time for him to head to his own bed.

Something inside me held him there, though. Kept his body pressed against mine like it was my own personal source of gravity.

Of course, I told myself I just wanted five more minutes with him pressed against me, then I’d make him leave. But five turned to ten, then twenty, and before I realized it, Avery’s breathing completely evened out, becoming a slow, steady rhythm against my ribcage.

After that, I didn’t have it in me to wake him, so instead, I sunk into the heat of his body tucked against me. Pairing it with the orgasm from earlier, and it should have been enough to drag me into the peaceful oblivion that is sleep.

Shouldbeing the operative word.

Instead, my mind’s been spinning like a top for hours now, no reprieve in sight, and it has everything to do with the agonizing man curled up beside me.

Shifting slightly, I glance down at his sleeping form illuminated by the light streaking in through the window.

He’s softer when he’s unconscious; the lines of his features are less sharp and severe than they are in the light of day. Or maybe it’s that the mask he’s been wearing has fallen to the side, and I’m seeing his true face.

The one—I’m beginning to realize—few people know exists.

Lifting the arm that he isn’t tucked in, I slowly bring my hand to his face and gently caress his skin. My fingers trace his jawfrom his ear to chin, then back again, committing the feel of it beneath my skin to memory. Despite having spent the better part of an hour touching and feeling every inch of him earlier, I can’t seem to stop.

Can’t seem to rein in the feelings causing my heart to stampede in my chest.

Can’t seem to get enough of whatever this has become.

And that, right there, is the biggest fucking problem.

The emotions he’s been stirring in me lately, but earlier tonight especially, are ones that complicate things. Severely.

Wanting to claim him? Own him? Make him mine?

That’s not what this is supposed to be.

I’ve been convincing myself that this is just fun, casual sex for weeks. I’ve even gone as far as thinking of it like a community service, allowing Avery to safely explore his sexuality and overcome his demons with me rather than going out in the world and hurting other innocent people. But despite rationalizing the choice to my own mind, it wasn’t able to stop what I’m feeling.

It goes deeper than lust and desire. And, yeah, it goes deeper than just friendship too.

I like him.

I fuckingwanthim.

Not just his body, buthim.

His mind, his flaws, his insecurities.

All the little pieces of who he is, no matter how deep Shame sank its claws into them. I wanna know each and every one, if only to show him that he doesn’t need to be defined by those thoughts. That he’s more than the trauma that brought him here.

Brought him to me.

Closing my eyes at the thought, I roll my head to the side, pull in a deep breath, and slowly release it.

This is so stupid.

My instincts are telling me to distance myself, because there’s no way in fucking hell this can ever be anything more than what it is right now. And even with where we’re at, there’s little chance it’ll end well.

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