Page 52 of Untouchable Queen
30
TATIANA
Lucian said it took me nearly two days to regain consciousness after the fight with Saturo. At first, my ears wouldn’t stop ringing. My brain felt fuzzy, and I had a persistent headache—but I refused to take Tylenol until I could sneakily Google search whether it would be safe to use the mild painkiller while I’m pregnant. I know my stubbornness aggravated Lucian when I wouldn’t say why, even though the softest sounds made me flinch.
It’s been nearly a week now, and I feel much better. The bruise on my cheek is starting to fade, and physically, I’ve recovered—aside from the vomiting, which seems to be here to stay. I guess that makes sense based on my estimation of how far along I must be. It’s morning sickness.
I feel bad letting Lucian think it’s a lingering side effect of the concussion, but he seems to believe me. At least, he hasn’t challenged me on it, and he doesn’t seem overly worried.
But something’s changed between us lately. Where Lucian was always flirtatious and teasing with me before, seeming to find our squabbles and power play amusing, suddenly he feels withdrawn and serious. He’s so focused on finding a strategythat will put the yakuza back in their place, I feel like I’ve hardly seen him since that first day. And when we are together, that electric passion is gone.
He’s polite when our paths cross, but I rarely see him at all. He leaves early every morning and comes home late at night if he’s not locked in his office for most of the day. We still share the same bed at night, but he hasn’t even tried to touch me since I got hurt.
At first, I thought it might be out of concern for my well-being, that he didn’t want to aggravate my concussion. Even though he’s been serious lately, I could tell he’s been worried about my injury. The first few days, he hardly left my side. But once I could manage to safely get around the house without dizzy spells, it’s like he became possessed with the need to crush Saturo for his treachery.
I agree the yakuza need to be taught a lesson. A shiver still races down my spine every time I think of the offer Saturo made me. If any possible marriage could be worse than the one I thought I was agreeing to with Lucian, it would be that. I’m not sure Saturo has an honest bone in his body. I have no doubt his deal would include handing over control of all my territory and control. I would be the plaything of a monster while I bore his children and nothing more.
It sounds so much like what I feared would happen with Lucian. I’ve fought tooth and nail to protect what’s mine, but in the end, I’m not sure I needed to with the man I married. Regardless of how I feel when it comes to protecting my father’s legacy, I can’t ignore the emptiness I feel with Lucian’s absence.
As much as I hate to admit it, I’m starting to ache for his attention. It’s a shocking revelation—to find how much I can miss Lucian. I miss his kisses. I miss his touch. I miss how good it feels to lose myself to him. And as I stay up late reading, trying to ward off sleep so I might have the opportunity to see him fora little while, I’m not sure I’ll make it. This bone-deep tiredness seems to be here to stay. I hadn’t realized how taxing being pregnant could be.
And every day, I wrestle with my decision to keep the truth from Lucian. I still don’t know what to do about it. I’m not ready to tell him, not ready to set our fate in stone, and somehow, it feels like that’s exactly what I would be doing if I told Lucian about the baby. It doesn’t matter that we’re married or that I’ve spent every day with him for the past month, learning how to cooperate when that’s the last thing I’m inclined to do with the man who killed my parents.
It feels wrong to tell him, like it would be the last and ultimate betrayal to my family, and at the same time, it feels wrong to keep it from him. He’s the father of my child, my husband, the man I put my life on the line to protect, but I can’t find the words to tell him that I’m pregnant because then I would have no more choice in the matter.
With my book propped open on my knees, I worry my lip and stare off into the distance as I sit in bed, thinking for the hundredth hour on end just what I should do about my situation.
I can’t keep it from Lucian forever.
So, unless I want to tell him about the baby, I’ll have to deal with Lucian in some fashion. After what happened on the docks, I’m certain I don’t want to see him die—no, scratch that. I don’t want Lucian to die at all. The possibility of losing him was agonizing. The idea that I could be responsible for it, pure torture.And the thought that I might never see him again?Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. It’s probably the hormones, I tell myself. But I know the truth. I’m falling for Lucian. Despite everything he’s done, I want him in my life.
So, there’s only one right answer here.
But I don’t know how to tell him. I don’t knowwhento tell him when he feels worlds away from me every time we’re in the same room.
A deep, consuming yawn racks my body, and I cover my mouth out of habit, even though I’m the only one in the room. I don’t think I can keep my eyes open any longer. With a sad sigh, I close my book and set it on the side table, then slide farther beneath the covers and turn out my side lamp. I try to ignore the vacant cavity in my chest, the giant hole that would be full if Lucian were here with me.
Now that the lights are out, I strangely feel more awake, and I stare out the window as I listen for sounds in the hallway. Not ten minutes after I call it a night, I hear Lucian’s steps growing louder, and I can’t help but wonder if he intentionally waited until the lights were out in our room before coming to bed. But that’s silly.He can’t possibly be avoiding me that much, can he?
I stay still and quiet as he enters the room, getting ready for bed in the moonlight rather than turn a light on and risk waking me.The gesture is sweet, so why does it feel like a punch to the gut?
Fresh tears sting the back of my eyes, and I blink them away quickly so I won’t start sniffling. The bed shifts next to me a few minutes later, Lucian sliding beneath the sheet, and my heart flutters.
Maybe I should just initiate what I want. I’m being ridiculous, expecting him to know when I’m well enough that I might want sex. Taking a deep, steadying breath, I roll over to face Lucian. In the dim light, shadows fall across his features, giving them sharp definition and intensifying how beautiful and severe his face can be.
“Hi,” I murmur as his eyes find me.
“Hi.” The hint of a smile tugs at the corners of his lips, then vanishes.
“You had another long day.”
“I need to deal with Saturo.” He shakes his head. “But I don’t have the numbers, and with his kudo fighters, I won’t win without heavy, heavy losses.” His head turns so he can look up at the ceiling, his stare vacant.
It’s on the tip of my tongue to say we’ll join him—that my men will help take Saturo down. It’s the kind of alliance I should owe Lucian as his wife, but he hasn’t asked for my help. He hasn’t asked me for anything since I woke, and I wonder if that’s because he thinks I’m not strong enough to aid him or if he doesn’t want to put me at risk again.
Either way, if utilizing my men will stop Lucian from perseverating on the yakuza and return to being my husband, I’m ready to give this alliance a real shot. When it comes to battle, I’ve seen Lucian’s skill—not just in fighting but in how he strategically uses his soldiers. He doesn’t risk lives unnecessarily. In the last fight, his men took far fewer injuries than mine because they had a leader who could actuallyleadthem into the fray. I need to acknowledge my weaknesses if I want to be the kind of leader my men can trust. And I need to recognize Lucian’s strengths.
“Use my men—if we join forces, you should have enough men to overpower him, right?”
