Page 59 of Untouchable Queen
Relief floods my veins as the massive crushing weight I’ve been carrying for so long lifts from my shoulders, and as I release Quinn, I pull my sister in for one last hug. “Just this,” I murmur. “Thank you. I don’t know what I would do without you.”
34
LUCIAN
Ifeel awful. I knew I screwed up as soon as Tatiana fled my office in tears. Our relationship started off on about as rocky a footing as it could, and now, it might be damaged beyond repair.
I shouldn’t have lost my temper with her. I said things I didn’t mean in the heat of the moment. It’s a defense mechanism, because if I can give Tatiana a reason to hate me, then that makes it my choice when she does. I didn’t know what I was doing when I killed her father, but what I said to her today—I deliberately pushed her away so she can’t reject me again.
But what Tatiana doesn’t know—what she couldn’t possibly know—is that I only said those things because I’m desperately trying to keep myself in one piece. I’m so hopelessly in love with her, that I managed to blind myself to the truth.
How many times has she pushed me away? How could I ignore all the signs?
And now I feel wrong for having the woman I want because she’ll never actually want to be mine. She’s only with me because I knew how to manipulate her. The guilt is overwhelming now that my eyes are open, and the hurt is agonizing.
When I asked Tatiana to marry me, I never wanted…this. A broken marriage where all we do is fight. Where she would keep secrets from me as big as the fact that she’s carrying my child.
Maybe I was too shortsighted. I should have known it wouldn’t be so easy to win her over. Just because my relationship with my parents wasn’t anything special, just because I didn’t mourn their loss, doesn’t mean I should have assumed the same of hers.
I could never forgive someone for hurting anyone I truly loved. I know that now—after experiencing what I felt when I saw Saturo hit my wife. If I had the choice, I would have kept him in agony every day for the rest of my life to teach him a lesson, and still it wouldn’t be enough.So how could I possibly expect Tatiana to forgive me for killing her parents?
I can’t, and it’s never been more clear to me than it is now.
If that weren’t bad enough, I brought her to tears this morning for trying to talk to me. I’m desperately trying to build walls around my heart, to protect myself from the truth of the situation I’ve put us in, and in return, I’ve hurt her once more.
Dropping my head into my hands, I press the heels of my palms into my eyes. I can feel my fate closing in—the bed I’ve made that I’m supposed to lie in now. Tatiana’s going to leave me the first chance she gets. Sheshouldleave me, after everything I’ve done, and if that’s what she wants, I need to find a way to be alright with that. I can’t imprison her here for a lifetime.
I might be a monster, but I can’t stand to see the hurt and resentment I saw in her eyes today. And I know that’s what I’ll see whenever she looks at me for the rest of our lives.
I debate whether I should apologize—though it’s not even a question. Ishouldapologize, but I doubt it would help anything. The fact that Tatiana doesn’t want to tell me she’s pregnant lets me know exactly where I stand in her mind, so forcing mypresence on her won’t makeherlife better, even if it’s just to say I’m sorry.
So instead, I bury my head in the work I need to get done.
It’s going to take a lot, getting things in order now that Tatiana and I have Saturo’s territory to bring into the fold. I intend to divide it evenly down the middle, half to the Sokolov Bratva and half to my family. But I have to ensure that no lower-ranking yakuza can attempt to take control before we get a proper grip on the area. And these next few days will be critical if we want to squash any unrest.
Perhaps it’s something I should sit down and discuss with Tatiana, but I can’t bring myself to do it when she’s keeping such a massive secret from me. Every time I think about speaking with her, it reminds me of everything she’s not saying to me. After weeks and weeks of trying anything I can think of, I’m at a loss for how to move forward with her. I don’t know that thereisa forward for our relationship, and that realization feels like it’s slowly strangling me, choking the oxygen from my lungs, my heart, until all I feel is pain.
I make phone calls to numb the persistent ache, crunch numbers to make sense of how we can incorporate the yakuza territory rather than admitting that my marriage is falling apart. I assess what relationships we might salvage from Saturo’s contacts instead of mending the broken one with my wife.
I keep my head buried in my work for hours, until it starts to grow dark outside my office window, and a soft knock comes at my door.
My heart jumps when, for a fraction of a second, I hope that it’s Tatiana coming to hash things out. “Yes?” My voice cracks under the strain, and I clear my throat.
Then Daniella cracks the door just wide enough to peek her head inside. “I just wanted to let you know dinner’s ready,signore.”
“Oh. Of course. Thank you. I’ll be right down.”
Daniella gives a polite nod and starts to withdraw before I stop her.
“Is Tatiana planning on being there?” I ask, my nerves spiking.
Daniella smiles. “Yes, I was just on my way up to let her know it’s ready now.”
“Good. Good.” I dismiss Daniella with a nod, and as she slips from the room, I stare down at the papers I’ve been working on since we got back from Saturo’s home today.
The fighting feels like ages ago—not hours—and I run my hands through my hair as I consider everything that’s taken place in one day. A bone-deep exhaustion settles over me as I think about doing another strained dinner with Tatiana. I have no doubt after the way I spoke to her this morning that she’s not going to be in a pleasant mood. Loath as I am to keep working, maybe it would be better to bring it down to dinner. At least then, I’ll have something to distract me from the accusations I want to hurl at her every time she’s in the room.
Why hasn’t she told me she’s pregnant? Does she intend to keep it from me indefinitely? Because she plans on getting rid of the baby? Or because she plans on ridding herself of me?
