Page 38 of I Almost Do

Finally, she says, “It’s not like you want to sleep with me.” Her expression is a little belligerent and a lot hurt. “It feels a little ‘dog in the manger’ to me.”

“Iwantto. The fact that we’re not sleeping together is temporary. Have you changed your mind about that?”

She shows me her left hand, where my rings sparkle on her finger. “Fidelity was my idea in the first place. I’m not a cheater. This might not be a normal marriage, but I still promised to be faithful when I said my vows.”

I want to kiss her, so I stomp to her window and stare out at the street below instead. The traffic. The bicyclists and pedestrians. The pretty street with all the brownstones lined up so neat and clean.

It looks nothing like the run-down rental house where my mother died. It looks… perfect. The view from her tower.

I have to give her something. How can I expect her to wait for us to be ready if I give her nothing of myself in the meantime?

Forcing myself to speak, I admit, “Marrying you is the best thing that has ever happened to me.”

I turn at her scoff. There’s a confused frown on her face.

I move closer and smooth a soft auburn curl behind her ear. It’s nothing more than a blatant excuse to touch her; I won’t even pretend otherwise to myself.

“I know I’m fucking everything up with you. I’m trying to do what’s right. We just need to weather the next few years until we’re on more equal footing in terms of this power imbalance.”

The cat has made his way out of the carrier and is rubbing against her legs. She leans down to pick him up, and he purrs as she snuggles him against her face. She says nothing at all.

“I broke one of our rules,” I confess.

Her whiskey-and-moss-green gaze flies to mine, and her face crumples. It takes me a second to understand.

“I’m not screwing around on you." I don't really care if she can hear how offended I am at the thought of it. "You think I'd let anyone but you near me?”

I reach out for her but then drop my hands. I have no business pulling her into my arms.

“What rule, then?” She looks afraid to hope. And I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing by admitting to it.

“It’s not good. If you think it is, you’re wrong, because all it does is make our lives harder.”

“What rule?”

I try to say it, but the words don’t want to come.

She puts the cat on the floor and moves closer to me, cupping my face. “James, what rule?”

I shake my head. One sharp movement. Then I shove my hands in my pockets and fiddle with the little satin bow I carry there. “The last one.”

“James, I—”

“It doesn’t change anything right now. We’re not having a sexual relationship while I still have this kind of power over you. But I’m in this thing. I’m so fucking in it. Right there with you.

“And you’re right. You absolutely should go to school. You’ve never had a moment of freedom. Marrying you was….” I almost say “wrong,” but I can’t say that word about the greatest gift I’ve ever been given in my life.

But that’s part of the problem, isn’t it? Even at the time, I saw it as Marcus giving me his daughter. And I suspect she saw it that way too. She married me because her father wanted her to. She didn’t feel she had a choice, did she? Not really.

I don’t have any experience with relationships, but even I can see that we started on a fucked-up premise. That she was this precious treasure being passed from one man to another instead of a living, breathing person capable of making her own choices.

Five years might be enough time for me to be sure I can trust myself with her. But the passage of years alone is not enough to change the nature of our relationship. Especially if she stays here and caters to my emotional needs the way she did her father’s.

“It’s better for you to go away and stretch your wings. For both of us. But I don’t want you to go feeling… rejected.”

The sound she makes is almost a laugh. Then she throws her arms around me. With her voice muffled against my neck, she says, “James?”

I press her closer and speak into her hair. “Yes, sweet girl?”

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