Page 53 of I Almost Do

She salutes me with a jaunty hand to her head. "Sir. Yes, sir." And I ogle her perfect, freckled boobs as they bounce with the motion.

"Still love you, James."

"Still love you, Clarissa."

She visits old family friends of her parents in England and stops in at our London office to schmooze on my behalf and attend a few business dinners. Even though she has no official role at Harcourt, she is still Clarissa Harcourt-Mellinger. And she knows it matters.

She does the same at the office in Paris.

She also gets sloppy drunk in a Paris hotel and texts me from the hotel bar, annoyed because her friends ditched her to hook up with hot guys.

Me: Define hook up.

Clarissa: You know was hookup is. Don act innocent u prob did it

Me: Random hookups in strange cities? No, I did not.

Clarissa: Prude

Me: Smart. Where is Sasha?

Clarissa: She s alresfh in bed fir the night. Dint wake her up when we decide 2 com down

Me: I'm calling Sasha. You shouldn't be drinking alone at a hotel bar.

Clarissa: IM not alone my friends r here. Juts all pained up. And I pretty surf there all getting laid 2night by fuckbois

Me: Do not let them bring guys up to your suite.

Clarissa: ...

Me: DO NOT LET THEM BRING GUYS UP TO YOUR ROOMS. ARE THE GIRLS AS DRUNK AS YOU ARE?

Clarissa: ...

Clarissa: ... Prolly

Me: WHAT THE FUCK.

Clarissa: Don swear at me. Theres a bar in Newark with ur pitcher mr. do as I say.

Me: SASHA IS ON HER WAY.

Clarissa: Jerk. Shes going 2 be mad.

Me: You and your friends stay exactly where you are. And stop fucking drinking right now. DO NOT GO ANYWHERE WITH THOSE GUYS.

Clarissa: ...

Me: I'M CALLING SECURITY.

Me: WHEN SASHA GETS THERE, YOU AND THE GIRLS GO TO YOUR ROOMS ALONE AND LOCK THE DOORS.

I contact hotel management and have Sasha and security escort the girls to their rooms and the French fuckboys off the premises. I pull rank and name names. I call Bronwyn's father for backup.

I threaten to buy the hotel and fire every one of their asses if a single hair on those ladies' heads is in danger from a strong wind.

Then I put Dean on a plane to France, because clearly Beth and Sasha aren’t enough security to keep my wife safe.

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