Page 86 of I Almost Do

"Thisistakingtoolong," I say. "I don't understand why I can't just stop these thoughts. Why do I have to keep catching myself and reframing them? If I know what's real and reasonable, why does my brain keep trying to sabotage me."

It's not a question. I know the answer. It's a lifetime of rutted road that needs smoothing out. It doesn't happen in a few weeks or even a few months.

"You're frustrated with your progress," Dr. Carlson says.

I just give her the no shit look.

"Last week, you seemed pleased with your progress. What's changed?"

"Clarissa is leaving me. I mean, she's already not living with me, you know that. But she always loved me. I always knew she was waiting for me to—" I stop talking because I can't breathe.

"Did she tell you she wasn't waiting anymore?"

"No."

"Did she tell you she doesn't love you anymore?"

"No. Every week she tells me she still loves me. Clarissa is kind. You don't understand. She wouldn't tell me she didn't love me anymore while I was in the middle of fucking therapy."

"Why do you believe she's planning to leave you?"

"Over the last few months, she's been pulling away financially. She sent back the car I gave her and told me to remove her as an insured driver. I received a notification from our health insurance company that she's no longer on our policy as my dependent. I think she's using her own company insurance. She's got her own cell phone account now."

"Did you ask her why she's done those things?"

"She said she doesn't want me taking care of her."

February

"I'mtellingherI'mready."

Dr. Carlson gives me her encouraging smile. "That's exciting."

"No it isn't."

She tilts her head slightly, raises her eyebrows. "You've come a long way, James. You've worked really hard."

I shrug, and she continues. "You told me you wanted to have a healthy relationship with your wife. Have you changed your mind?"

I snort in disbelief. "You know I haven't."

"But you're not happy about telling her about your progress?"

"I'm not going to pressure her into coming back to me," I say. "I don't know how to explain that I'm ready to try without also making it sound like I expect it from her."

"You're a very accomplished businessman. You have a lot of experience with negotiations. Could you come at it from that perspective?"

"I don't want to. I know how to manipulate people and pressure people to get what I want, yes. But that's the last thing I want to do here. I want to be an equal partner with her."

Dr. Carlson smiles. "That's lovely. That's a very healthy attitude in a marriage."

"Doesn't fix my problem," I say. "As soon as I start talking, she's going to hear the desperation in my voice. She's going to hear the words I don't say."

"That just sounds like honesty to me. Who are you trying to protect by withholding your feelings from her?"

"Goddammit," I mutter.

"Do you think Clarissa should be given all the facts so she can make her own informed choice about your relationship?"

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