Page 68 of I Almost Do

"Are youjudgingme right now? You ask me all these intrusive questions, encourage me to share my vulnerable side, and then you—"

"Of course not." I say, horrified.

She nudges me. "Totally screwing with you. But you should try it. Maybe you'll like it."

Then she reaches for her earbuds and hands the left one to me. She puts the right one in her own ear. "Listen."

When I put the earbud in, she clicks on the narration, which begins on Chapter Seven. And… I get it. It's hot. But there's also a vulnerability to it.

When the blue alien sucks on the woman's toes, I scoff. "Totally unrealistic. When I kiss your toes, you try to kick me in the head."

"Oh, sure. It's the toe sucking that's unrealistic in alien romance," she quips.

She scrolls through and shows me a cover with a half-naked dude with photoshopped abs on it.

"I like non-aliens too," she says. "This narrator has the hottest voice." She clicks on the audiobook, and a guy with a raspy voice starts reading a book about a hockey player in love.

His voice is not that hot.

Just then the narrator says, "Fuuuck," in my earhole. I have no idea what my expression looks like, but Clarissa pokes at me with a finger.

"You are not jealous of an audiobook narrator," she says. "Stop it."

"Absolutely not jealous," I say.

I absolutely am jealous. Which is stupid. I couldn't care less if she watches some random guy nut in a porn vid, but this guy talking into her earbuds and turning her on makes me… weird. Not that I will ever, ever admit to being that big of a douche.

She takes the Kindle back and shows me a bunch of novellas. "I just read these because they don't have audiobooks," she says with a sigh. "Maybe someday."

"You could tell me which ones you want, and I could read them," I say in a rush, "on an audio file for you." I trail off, a little embarrassed by my offer. I'm not a narrator. I'm good at public speaking. Did some theater in college, just because I thought it would help me gain some skills handling a room. But I'm not that guy.?

"Are you serious right now? Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!"

My lips twitch.

That's right. Jason Clarke can suck it.

She wantsmyvoice in her earholes.

26

Naked

Clarissa

Spring Semester Senior Year

Sydneywalkspasttheliving room, where I'm lying on the sofa with a heating pack on my lower stomach, a bottle of Advil clutched in one fist, and Mr. Fluffernuts in the crook of my other arm. She skids to a stop in the doorway and glares at me with her hands on her hips.

"Nuh-uh. Girl, no," she says. Then she hollers, "Jeanine! Come talk sense into this idiot!"

I glare back at her, because, honestly, who yells at a person when they're in pain?

Jeanine joins Sydney at the casement opening and peers in at me, her brown eyes sparking with outrage.

I know they're both concerned, but neither of them is exactly the mothering sort. Or, well, not what I think the mothering sort is. I barely remember mine. Maybe all mothers are bossy and call you a dumbass when you won't go to the doctor.

Bronwyn can be the hovering, nurturing sort. But she also loses patience if she thinks someone needs to get their head out of their ass. And she's definitely used the phrase "Get your head out of your ass" to me about my current situation.

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