Page 15 of Ardently Yours

At first, I thought the police would arrest him. I used to believe that was what happened to “bad guys.” I look back at that time and it’s like I can see a physical wall between the child I was and the person I became. And it wasn’t just the assault, though that was a big part of it. It was how people treated me afterward.

If it weren’t for Steve and my best friend, Rochelle, high school would have been a nightmare. You know that phrase “ride or die”? That was them.

My own family is Catholic. When I confessed to Father Beatty how much I hated the Polfords and everyone who took his side, he gave me ten Hail Marys and two Our Fathers as penance and told me to get over it. Okay, his exact words were about finding forgiveness in my heart and putting it in God’s hands.

You’ve told me more than once that I can talk to you about this, and, since you’re so far away, I’m unlikely to ever see you in person. That makes it feel safer.

If you react the way most of the congregation and the police did, I suppose I’ll learn which kind of person you are then, won’t I?

I’m sure you think I’m pathetic complaining when the cases you work on have to be so much worse than my story.

As for the diner, I feel ungrateful admitting it, but you’re right that I don’t like working there. It feels like I’m on display the entire shift. There are people in this town who aren’t exactly nice to me, even now. At the grocery store, I worked in the back. No one made me work the cash register. At the diner, I’m a waitress, and I never know who’s going to come in.

There’s no such thing as a perfect world. Dreaming of one just makes the crash more painful when you wake up. I know because sometimes I dream that Steve is still here, and we got married.

In the dream, I moved with him to New York, and Bronnie, Steve, and I are living in a tiny apartment, but the sun shines in through the window, and we’re squabbling over whether orange juice is better with or without pulp (without, if you’re wondering).

Then I open my eyes and realize it isn’t real. It hurts so much more than if I’d never imagined it in the first place. I try to keep my focus on what matters. I have Bronnie, and she’s everything to me.

College isn’t practical, no matter how much I wish I could go back to school. I have to work full-time or dip into Bronnie’s college fund. I’m not using the money I’ve saved for her education on my own.

There’s no angst here about it anymore. Just a bit of wistful yearning. For fun, I’ll say “In a world where money was no object,” which is nearly as big of a pipe dream, I’d finish my architecture undergrad here at Blackwater State University (so I’d stay close to my family).

With apologies for rambling, Charlotte

May 9, 1996

Dear Charlotte,

I hate what you’ve been through. I believe every word you wrote. Of course I do. What happened afterward was a travesty. It’s a terrible truth in this world that, many times, justice doesn’t prevail.

You used the word evil to describe Polford, and it’s the right one. Please talk to me about anything. Unfortunately, you’re right that very little shocks me at this point—I’ve seen too much in my job—but I hate to hear anyone, much less you, categorize their own struggles as less important because someone else may have suffered more. Another person’s pain doesn’t cancel yours out.

If you need professional counseling to help you heal and don’t know where to start, I can help you find someone qualified. And you can absolutely keep talking to me as much as you need to. I can’t promise to be as helpful as a therapist, but I’ll lend a listening ear (or is it “reading eyeball” since these are emails?).

As far as the diner goes, I can understand why you wouldn’t enjoy dealing with those people. My late wife despised being the focus of public attention. For her, it caused feelings of anxiety, so I can understand (a little) how you must feel.

I hope this doesn’t come across as an overstep on my part, but Steve spoke of you often. He didn’t take your sacrifices for granted. Both of you were trying your best to be a good partner for the other, and I don’t know if anyone could ask for more. He loved you desperately, and he wasn’t shy about sharing his feelings.

In some ways, I almost felt as though I knew you before I met you because he spoke of you so often.

Henry chose his own bow tie. His grandfather wears them and told him they look “dapper.” So now Henry owns twenty-seven bow ties (and counting). He can become obsessive about things when he decides he’s interested in them. He’s developed a recent interest in the solar system, as well. Gabriel is less intense than Henry. He’s a character who always likes to make people laugh. They’re both great kids.

I know you said college was off the table, but I recently came across an article about some scholarships you may find interesting.

I’m attaching links to the applications I found. The one from RealFreedom looks especially promising. It’s for single parents and non-traditional students and could work for your situation. The scholarship provides not only tuition, living expenses, and room/board, but a dependent-child stipend and on-campus childcare.

It couldn’t hurt to apply. Good luck.

Arden

June 20, 1996

Dear Arden,

OMG. OMG. I GOT IT!!!!! Thank you!!!! I had no idea scholarships like this one even existed. And when I told them I already have my trailer and didn’t need the “room” portion, they said it didn’t matter. That they would send me the extra money in a check to help with living expenses!!!

I’m not exaggerating when I say I sat on the floor with Bronnie and bawled like a baby when the phone call came. It’s like this scholarship was custom designed for me. It even has health insurance!

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