Page 17 of I See Red

“Go to it, Amor.”

Moving us across the room, we reach the book he just spoke of. Tossing back the rest of my drink, I set it down on the platform, gently pulling the book from its respective home. The spine is nameless; just a simple smiley face graces the bottom of it. I shoot him a side eye, opening the cover, turning to page one.

Ivy,

Our relationship is unmatched and misunderstood by many, and I fear the resolve we both seek may never be achieved. I have told you our entire lives, since we were kids, there has been something between us, something even our minds have struggled with how to understand. Regardless of time or distance, our relationships have never phased nor tarnished our connection. I have and will always love you to my core, Ivy Sage Rutledge; nothing can ever change that. We live very tormented lives loving one another the way we do. We agonize over a situation I feel like most in the world never get to understand or experience. We are both so unequivocally in love with each otherthat,in reality, torments us, and we complain about it while others never get a taste of it. It’s wild to think something so beautiful at times can make us so sad. Something others would leap for, we run from. Do we love torture? Or just torturing each other? I truly wish we had been able to really connect and had the maturity a long time ago to realize all we know now, and talk about it, to act on how we really felt and continue to feel. It saddens me that as time goes on, we don’t have the opportunities that we would have had, say seven years ago if we had just told each other. However, I am so happy that we talk more about it each day, even if it is via text, so we can continue to be as open and connected with each other as possible for the rest of our lives. I love that you love me unconditionally in all my shit. Ivy, I want you to know that I love you with all of me forever and always. We once had aconversation about thinking about each other as we walk down the aisle to marry another. We’ve made it clear there will never be a wedding for either of us where we are not walking towards someone else thinking and wishing it was the other. As fucked up as that is, it’s what and who we are. We settle for others, extinguishing our own desires. I wish either of us could understand why we can’t be together, but what I do know is loving you is so goddamn easy, and I can’t ever imagine my heart where you don’t exist at the center of it. I like to believe we are better humans for not choosing each other in this world, for the harm it would bring to those in our lives is something I know we both would struggle with. More so, we both have admitted that we feel it would ruin us. But on those days and nights when I am unable to express my feelings the way you wish I would or times when you feel I am too busy, just know I am listening. I hear you. I understand you mostly, as you do me, which can be terrifying at times for a man like me. More than anything, I want you to have everything you’ve ever desired, even if it can’t be me. So, with that said, this book includes every text conversation we have ever had, and I’d like the first one to be out of order.

Tayden:Good morning, love. The thought of you in bed naked, waiting for me, is like the stuff my dreams (possibly wet dreams) are made of. .

Ivy:If only our wet dreams were a reality, we’d be sleeping less and fucking more. I certainly wouldn’t be opposed to you bending me over this conference desk right now. As far as your question last night, my dream home? Goodnessbabe, that’s deep. I’ve never really thought about it.

I’d imagine it’s everything I would love, and you would hate lol.

Let’s see, straight off the dome.

-Rustic cabin meets contemporary architecture with a vintage spin.

-Wrap-around porch, oh and trees as the supports for the roof, I love the way that looks. Like a little fairy porch.

-Tin roof, so I can hear the rain while I snuggle up with a cozy book, sipping on an apple cider mimosa with you waiting for me in bed—ha had to slide that in here.

-Twinkling glass lights that line the porch all around, that looks off in the distance onto a small pond.

-Secluded, no neighbors, tons of acreage.

-I’d love a terrarium-like bathroom with tons of plants and candles, a vintage clawfoot tub a must.

-A red door, not plain, something with depth to it, character, you know. The door is one of the most important staple pieces of a home.

-A library is a must filled with all my favorite literature, mostly smut, but hey, no judgment lol. I got issues. But also, the classics I love so much too. Oh, a sliding ladder so I can be my own Belle.Def a Sistine Chapel vibe on the ceiling.

-Maybe Koi fishponds somewhere, and a lower deck out back with a three-season room, so I could work and read when the snow falls but still be one with nature, filled with exotic plants that surely my black thumb would grant a slow death.

-Vintage stove in the kitchen, and honestly, just lots of windows all around.

-Oh, and you know those things in Victorian homes, the cylinder rooms, I think they call them turrets, must have turrets.

- A parlor because everyone should have a fully stocked vintage parlor with vintage glass decanters, a poker table, and a miniature stage for guest entertainment, low-hanging glass chandeliers, and a custom-made wood bar.

Anyways T, I have to run. I have clients walking in any minute. Love you so big; it was fun dreaming with you for amoment. Send me something spicy to destress with later, and make sure the sound is left on. .Xoxo, Ives

Tayden:Never thought about it, huh? Go murder those big corporate men, like I’d be doing to your pussy if you weren’t 1,200 miles away. I love you forever, Ivy Sage Rutledge.

You can’t give me my happily ever after, nor can I give you yours; timing was never on our side. However, I wanted you to finally have a home, something I’ve come to learn you have never had and craved more than any success you’ve ever accomplished. I know you would trade all your worldly possessions and career achievements you’ve made to find your home, filled with everything you love, that when your thoughts knock you down, you can come to and decompress, a place that is only yours. I wish it came with me walking through that beautiful red door every evening. Nonetheless, it is a token of my unequivocal love and understanding for you. I know you have been waiting a long time to hear this, Mi Amor, but welcome home, Ivy Sage. Welcome to peace.

I love you, Ivy Sage Rutledge.

Tayden Bergess

I’m not sure if the feeling in my stomach is anxiety or vomit about to protrude from my mouth all over him—possibly it’s the fear of being truly seen and heard for the first time in my existence. Tears streaming from my eyes, I turn jumping into his arms, and in this very moment, home is a place I have accomplished. More importantly, it’s a place that was gifted andcreated by my oldest love.I have so many questions, like how? And when?

“T, I… I don’t know what to even say. It’s beautiful. I can’t.”

“You can and you will, so call off the MLS hunt and enjoy it. It was never for sale,” he bites.

My desire to undress this man and explore his body like I’ve had the honor of doing to his mind on and off the last twenty-plus years is becoming harder to push down, especially here right now in this moment. If I died in this very moment without fulfilling our physical desires, I would die as miserably as I was the day God cursed me into that wretched woman’s womb.

That simply doesn’t work for me. The idea of that possibility makes my skin crawl. Within my mind, a war begins, and my body follows.

---