Page 21 of I See Red

“He’s been well. You know, he’s Liam, a man of mystery, one in which I have yet to figure out, even after all these years. It can be frustrating at times, as you know. Funny story: he actually left retirement for a big project last year for a shell corp or something. It was a long winter, but I did enjoy my seclusion. Since then though, he’s really been enjoying re-retirement. Anastasia? Still an emotional mess?” I breathily respond, my dig apparent.

“Yeah, it’s complicated. I wish she would figure stuff out and get help. It’s not like we can’t afford it, but I can’t force her. Still ups and downs. I try to hold onto the good ‘cause the bad can be fucking exhausting. We got into it the other night, and such small things bring out the worst in her. I just do my best to shield Laila from it. Honestly, she’s a great moth—stepmother figure to her. She has issues; however, we all do. She didn’t have the easiest life. Neither of us are blind to who her family is or what they do.” His eyes lock with mine, reading my thoughts. I give him none before he dips under the water, coming back up, his hands brushing through his dark hair as he rises up through the water. Unable to hold my tongue, I fire at him, sarcasm across my face, insults lashing off my tongue, “Not surprising, you always have liked them broken and emotionally complicated. It’s how you thrive, T. Always has been.” My head tilts to further sell my statement.

“Is that so?” He plays into my words.

“Look, I’m not judging you, trust me, I get it, you know that, but at the end of the day, I do worry that things will end very badly if she doesn’t get the help she needs. I worry about youT, more than I’d like to admit and sure, I understand you. Trust me, I fight it every day with Liam and fail at times. We are fuckly wired humans. The chase is so fucking fun, the validation it brings pure bliss. However, to play devil’s advocate, is she crazy? or do you make her that way? And when will you push her over the edge? As far as her family, that’s a whole separate issue in itself.”

Watching as all I say sinks in, the air in the room feels a little heavier.

“You are right, Ives. Fuck you are always right. We are certainly fucked up humans,” he jokes, in an attempt to mask the depths his thoughts just plummeted to.

“Again, I’m not judging; obviously, I have no foot to stand on, especially after today, here with you. Liam knows of my indiscretions, unlike Anastasia with you, but he doesn’t knowofyou, so I am not saying I’m any better, not by a long fucking shot. But fuck T, when does it all end for you? Not everyone can be saved; trust me, not everyone can do the work they need to, to save themselves. It’s hard work, babe, dark and twisted work. The kind that either ends in better understanding or absolute desolation far beyond where you started. I want you happy even if not with me, and I just worry your desire to be with broken women while fucking emotionally scarred women will never allow you to truly settle down. You deserve that; Laila deserves it, too. I mean, don’t go crazy and get fucking married, obviously, but you deserve to settle down and have what your parents did until they didn’t. What you’ve always dreamed of having for yourself in their image since you were a little boy. Even if I don’t like them,” I tease.

I can sense my words cut him deep as his head thrusts back, inhaling a deep breath.

“There she is, the only one that can pretty much without fail always understand exactly who I am and what I’m feeling, even when I don’t fully understand it myself.”

We may never be honest with each other about us, but we have always been honest about everything outside of us when it comes to our personal lives.

“Speaking of, I’ve been wanting to bring something up. I have racked my brain a million times over again trying to find the best way to inquire that pretty little head of yours, but I’m not sure I’ve found one.” His reservation is concerning. Whatever he has refrained from asking must be deep to have him flustered mid-course in conversation. That has never been his style. My brain starts racing, wondering what it could be. Is it about Dallas and work? Is this where he leaves me before the sun has even had the opportunity to rise?

No, it must be deeper. What could possibly have him struggling to find words?

“Well, we’ve always shot each other straight, so shoot,” I whip out, my defenses growing taller brick by brick, vine by vine.

“I ummm—Well, fuck, Ives.” His pause allows the wheels in his head to spin as he unscrambles his words. “I love you, Amor, no matter what, but I have some questions, and I just—I just don’t want you to freak out. Regardless, I will always love you, Ivy Sage Rutledge. Always.”

Adjusting myself in the tub, my arms find comfort laced in one another. The web of ivy thickening over my heart as I wait for him to continue.

“Your childhood. You never talk about it; you never explained to me why you disappeared so much orfuckwhy you disappeared for so long after my birthday. I feel like I’m missing so much of you. Why did you leave? Where did you go? What the fuck happened, Amor?” His eyes soften, guilt washing over him for even asking. I guess I have never actually talked about itwith him, but it wasn’t something I ever felt the need to share. Just as I tried to protect him from my world as a kid, I carried that duty into our adult relationship when we rekindled. Sharing that part of my life with him makes me less perfect, scares me, and allows him to love me less—or love me more—because he’s built to love from a place of guilt and protection—he loves to save people. I never wanted to be someone he needed to save; no, I only wanted to be someone he loves. I never wanted to be anything less than pure when it came to him, the woman I thought he deserved—perfection. A woman in total control and successful, more like Red. As much as it kills me, she’s the type of woman I imagine him to be with. Rubbing my eyes, fearlessly trying to process my thoughts and find my way out of this with as little truth as possible, he reaches out to my hand, pulling it down, encasing it with his.

“I love you. Nothing caneverchange that,” he pleads with me for a response—for honesty.

I know his love will never disappear, but what he is asking me to divulge is every part of me I hate. He doesn’t even realize the scars this will open, the mental space it leaves me vulnerable to. What has already cracked merely by just his presence.

Hurry, Ivy. Fucking think. This is the biggest chess game you have ever played, fucking faster, speak, fucking say something. Don’t fuck this up; remember, nobody can ever know.

“Well, we moved a lot. I’ve told you this, I’m not sure why the questions and mystery now?” It’s not,notthe truth, but certainly just the tip of a massive fucking iceberg. God, I hope he marks my answer as acceptable and moves on. My anxiety begins climbing up to my throat, and this tub suddenly feels more like a box than an oasis, and I need the fuck out. Now. Standing up to step out, I walk towards my robe, reaching out, grasping it, I wrap it around me, securing it with a knot.

“I’m not really sure what you’re hoping to find, but it just was what it was. We missed time, moments, and opportunities. Happens to a lot of childhood lovers.”

I knot the robe around me, my face focused on the floor as I sense him come up behind me, reaching for another robe from the wall in front of me.

“I want the truth,” he whispers into my ear from behind.

“That’s the fucking truth, T. What the fuck is this?” I fire back, trying my hardest to deaden this conversation.

“Way to ruin a perfect fucking day. This is why I never allowed this to happen between us because here’s the fall after the high like goddamn clockwork, every fucking time.” I rush to walk out, his icicles grasp around my wrist, yanking me into him. His hand brushing my cheek, the feel of him, flipping my stomach.

“Ivy, I want the truth. I know that’s not the truth,partially yes, but fuck, Ivy, talk to me, Amor. Why always the shield and sword with me? I am the last person you need to be that way with,” he pleads.

“Oh yeah, it’s not the truth? Okay, T, what’s the truth? What have you created in your brain to explain to yourself for years as to why I was gone and back and then lost forever? Go ahead, let me hear it, this will be fucking epic. Come on, spill it,all-knowing Tayden Bergess,” I scream at him, my hands flying through the air forcefully, matching my anger. A chuckle escapes me, showing my uncomfortability. Reaching out, he yanks me into a hug, my arms lying dead at my sides as he holds me, pulling me tighter with each second.

“Your father sent you away,” he whispers.

My eyes widen like a deer in headlights. How the fuck would he even know this? What the fuck? My rage getting the best of me, I shove him off me with all the strength my body possesses,throwing him off balance, sending his body crashing into the wall.

“The fuck are you talking about? Sent me away? Yeah, okay, T and Santa’s fucking real!”

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