Page 25 of I See Red

Dear Diary,

Tonight, my world came crashing down again, but I still did what was required of me. Pathetic, I know. Fuck I just wish life was easier and not so dark. I’ve completely lost my footing, and I want so badly for it all to stop. What am I on this earth for if nothing other than to be torn to shreds? I feel that is my only purpose anymore. I wish I could end it all. I wish I could just fuckingkill myself, but he won’t let me. I wish I would have never put Tayden in the savior place in my mind to keep me alive—-to keep me human. I wish my mom didn’t abandon me; I wish I could be a normal kid, but I am not. One blow, and I could end it all. Hell, one bottle of any of the meds downstairs they have me on could end it all. I wish tonight never happened. I showered when I got home, but it wasn’t enough. There was no amount of soap to wash the vile from me. I had my Christmas dance recital tonight, which I was so excited about. I had been looking forward to it for months, but as everything else, it came at a cost to me, of course. Who else would ever have those? I know I’m not the best dancer, but when your father teaches you the way of a man, I secured my spot tonight by selling my soul. I can’t really remember when it started, but I can tell you I REALLY needed this spot because more time out of my house meant more normalcy and less abuse. Sadly for me, when I didn’t make the cut, I was propositioned, and in my world, what’s one more, right? I thought it would only be once, and thatwould be it, but when I showed up at the recital early, eager to pretend I had friends and be a normal kid, I was quickly reminded exactly the opposite. My dance coach said he needed to speak with me, so I followed as I was told. I was nervous about where he was taking me, but for some reason, I thought maybe there was a pep talk around the corner, not another fear-filled conversation about how he would ruin my life if I ever said anything or told my father. Whom he knew one bad report could send me away again. Fucking power, man. Not only does my father wield it, but every adult in my life because of him. Fuck, I hate him. He doesn’t even realize the abuse he’s opened up to me, painting me in such a way to all whom hold power over me in my life. Anywayzzz, neither of those conversations were around the corner, yet a reminder that I am only here to perform because of the deal we struck—my body to be gifted to him in order for my body to gift itself a night of dancing at tonight’s Christmas recital. However, there was a contingency not in the contract, that right there in that moment, I wasto give myself to him again, or he would replace me. The feel of his coarse hands on my skin made me crawl. He demanded me to look into his eyes as he violated me, which if anything was good about my dad, I was always too fucked up to look anywhere or remember much, most of the time. But no, not him. He wanted to see the dead in my eyes as he took an innocence he didn’t know had previously been taken years before him. He wasn’t a bad fuck, but that’s not the point. I shouldn’t even know what a good or bad fuck is. I feel guilty for appreciating a good fuck when it comes my way, but I am fucked up. They fucked me up. Fuck, I feel so dirty. He lifted me up, my tights at my ankles, and my sugar plum fairy tutu raised, allowing all of me to be exposed. He……yeah, I can’t even write it, but It was like horrible, and I just sat there on the table unable to cry because well, it would ruin my makeup.That, and I just went into compartmentalize mode the moment his demands were made. Forcing an unwanted orgasm from my body with his small dick, he then threw me to my knees, demandingI taste myself. Kink roster for Mr. Dance Coach he likes defiling females by forcing them to taste themselves while staring at him as they do it. CHECK. He finished then left, the door slamming behind him, rambling about secrecy, and ruining me. I had no time to even clean myself up. The show was starting shortly. The curtain was already drawn, and the audience was waiting. So tonight, I danced my heart out in what was supposed to be another trauma-free moment with my coach’s evil dripping down the inside of my tights as the Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy so eloquently played by the orchestra. My father watched from the front row. I was fucking perfect. I smiled, and posed. Why am I so good at this? I hate myself. I fucking want to puke writing this, but you are my only friend, diary, and I need to write it out so I can put it away. If I ever survive all this and somehow make it to adulthood and re-read this entry, I’m sorry, adult me. I hope we survived. I hope we found love. I hope we found a real life with purpose, meaning, and safety. If not, just remember everything in life is simply a transaction. I hope youconquered that, but if not, at least learned to use it to our advantage. I G2G. I’m headed back to the shower to scrub myself again before bed then hopefully drift off to Beethoven. Thanks for always listening. I can’t imagine not having you to help me straighten out all these thoughts in my head.

—Ivy

Deceit Breeds Deceit.

I am a quiet man because I love with grace. Nothing of reward in this life has ever come from moving before you know another’s next three. Patience is key in being the last king left alone with your queen. My mother taught me that, and she taught me well.

—Liam

Ivy has been gone for almost a week, she comes home today—hopefully. I’d be lying if I wasn’t fucking irritated by it. What man would be fine with their girlfriend disappearing without answers? None. I wish this was the first time, but it’s not. I’ve lost track of how many times she’s gone off-grid, but I love her. I understand her even when she thinks I don’t. I’ve learned over time to just dive into my work. Idle hands are the devil’s playground, after all. Retirement has thickened my madness. I stay busy working on a surprise for her in her absence. My entirelife has revolved around her since before she even knew me. We argue because I am so quiet in a world where she can’t help but be so vocal. If she only knew the lunacy that plays in my head, she would know I am not an empty shell yet a man who knows how to choose his battles. She fights many and probably will the rest of our fucking lives. To love Ivy is to know grace. Fuck I give her so much, it’s only because I know she lacks any for herself. I know setting hard boundaries with her would have me exiled quickly, just as letting her know too much about me would. That I know with every fiber of the man I am. I love her too much to allow that to ever happen. I won’t ever let that fucking happen. She is mine, now and forever, even if that entails me sharing her with him. I’d love to knock Tayden the fuck out and any man that ever thinks he has the right to what is mine. I’d place them six feet under. Fuck that, twenty feet under, but I can’t because if I did, I know my exit would be requested from her. Well, I don’t know that, and that’s what fucks with my head. I know where I stand, but not always in what capacity. Instead of showing all my cards I sit and watch her play her hands over and over again. She thinks she plays such a blinding game, but that is the epitome of her tell. She shares more with her blinds than her hand, always remaining so focused on what she doesn’t show. I’ve done the math. I know what I signed up for. I’ve had a front-row seat to Ivy before we ever went on our first date, before I ever entered her body. Fuck is her body beautiful. Her mind, though… that is why I stay; it’s why I could never walk away regardless of her actions. She thinks she chose me, but I chose her, and then I hunted her down and made my desires a reality. My hope is to resurrect hers from the ashes of her past and watch them burn fiercely in our future. It wasn’t hard to do, if I am being honest. I had the best instruction manual for her. To love Ivy is to know the privilege it is to be a part of her world. Fuck am I a lucky man.Loving her is never easy when it comes to him. The part ofher life she has tied him to was embedded so long before I was ever a thought in her mind. I respect what he has done for her, but I cannot respect that he continues to maintain a constant in her life, knowing damn well he will never commit to her. On one hand, fuck him. I’m glad he never can; on the other, she needs that relentless chase with him to make her feel alive. He doesn’t see all the beauty I do in her. He doesn’t even know what his presence does to her—to us. He gets the put-together Ivy. I get all the sides she would never share with him and the one’s she’s unaware I know live within her. That makes her mine. Her comfort with me to be honest and raw and broken is something he will never have, which reminds me that I am forever hers. Even Red, he gets her, too.It fucks with me.He’s a presence in our lives double time by his place in her life as well.Fucking piece of shit. I’d love to make him disappear from this world, slowly torture him watching him plead and squirm before he takes his last breath. Fuck, would it bring me great satisfaction. Just thinking about it makes my fucking dick hard. The bigger picture keeps me from making my fantasies a reality just yet. I must play it right, and for now, my little bird is not ready to suffer the loss of the man she gives too much credit to. Always giving him grace, yet never allowing herself some. She fucking deserves it; he deserves nothing. I keep my knowledge of him a secret from her. As far as she is concerned, I only know they talk on the phone. Lately, she’s been slacking on her pyramid of lies when it comes to him, which tells me there is more happening between the two of them, and it fucking enrages me. Her reserve tells the entire story. My skin crawls at the idea of them together, his hands on a body mine has staked claim to long before he ever has. Fuck, it makes me want to unleash the demons in me. I was raised to watch from a distance, just as my little bird. The only difference between us; she reads the world not only from the darkness but the front lines as well, while I seek the solitude ofthe shadows. The shadows have the best fucking views the world has to offer. Luckily for her, I let her lies go in one ear and out the other because if I play this as I have always planned, he will soon be a part of her past, and all because of her own doing. I’m merely just the helping hand. If one is to let go of one’s security blanket in life, one must find a replacement they fully trust. I’m a fucking quilt compared to him. Soon, she will see that, and she will realize. Then, and only then, can Tayden finally be drug off to the wastelands he deserves to rot in. I can’t hold her deceit against her when the entirety of our relations, were born from my own. The door slams from above, a smile breaks across my face.My little bird is home. Wiping my hands, cleaning them off, I chuck the towel to the side, locking the door behind me. I hate to ruin my little bird’s surprise. Making my way up the stairs, I head out of the basement door to find her in the kitchen, her hand rubbing her shoulder as she shoots back a shot of scotch.

“Care to pour me one?” I request, making my presence known.

She shoots around, our eyes meeting.Fuck she looks exhausted.

“Liam, aghhh, it’s so nice to be home,” she shouts, running over to me. Her body colliding with mine as she jumps onto me, her legs wrapping around my waist, her arms tucking my neck into her. I take in her scent, honeysuckles, and champagne with a hint of scotch, as I squeeze her with all my might.

“I fucking missed you.”

“I missed you too. I’m so sorry I disappeared again; work was shit. The gala was great until it wasn’t. I just needed to disappear and drown myself in the job. You know how I am when I get stressed. Work is my only cure.” Her words are remarkable. The lies roll off her pretty little tongue with such ease. I’ll punish her for that eventually, not yet though. Soon, she will be the goodlittle bird I know she so desperately craves to be. That reminder calms me, allowing my words to play perfectly into hers.

“I hope nothing too unmanageable with work. I know that deal is so crucial to your success this year. It’s a big fucking deal if it all comes together.”

Jumping from me, she heads toward the kitchen counter, pulling out another glass, pouring us a drink, trying to find her words.Come on, little bird, find the move, examine the board, then make your play.

“Come on, you know me better than that; nothing is unmanageable. Always just finding the right avenue to get men with way too much money and pride to put their dicks down and see a deal for what it is.” A laugh escapes her, selling her lie. Her lies fuck with my head when they are used on me, but the way in which she deceives the world with them makes my dick hard all in the same.

“Good, I’m glad it all worked out. Now I get you all to myself for the weekend,” I bite, stepping into her, attempting to lift her shirt. My hands rummage her body, causing her to inhale a squeal; suddenly, her body flinches away from my hand.She’s in pain.

What the fuck was that?So many thoughts racing through my mind.

“What is wrong?” I question, my eyes darkening, my face unable to hide my concern.

“It’s nothing, honestly. I just fell while getting out of the shower. I think I bruised my ribs.” Folding her arms gently over her chest. Her guard is apparent, but this lie, I refuse to let go.

“Let me see,” I demand.

“Liam honestl—”

“Let me fucking see, Ivy,” I bite, cutting her off. There is no way my wounded little bird is getting out of this one.

Stepping into me, unfolding her arms, her resistance fades away as I grab onto the bottom of her shirt, gently raising it up. Shock and anger take over me when I see black and blue bruises covering the entirety of her right ribcage.

“Ivy, what the fuck?”

“Liam, honestly, it’s fine. It’s not anything a little brandy won’t take the edge off of.”

“That’s not fucking nothing, and it damn sure isn’t from a shower.” Rage engulfs me as the thought of Tayden or anyone harming her seeps in. I know she was with him last weekend, and by the aging of the bruises, he’s responsible for them. The question is; did he harm my little bird? or fuck her? I want to lose my shit right now and demand the answer behind her lies, but I can’t. I must maintain grace. Fuck that piece of shit. I will kill him, tear him apart limb by limb. Doing neither is the furthest thought from how I feel right now. Fuck it, grace has no place right now.

“Who fucking did this to you?” Seeing the teeth marks, I’m unable to accept anything other than the truth for once. I want the fucking truth, even if it scares the fuck out of me.

“Nobody Liam. Fuck, I fell out of the goddamn shower. This isreallynot what I wanted to come home and do. Fight. Fuck, why can’t you just let it go? I fell. I’m bruised even more than there. It happened. I’m fine. Nobody did this to me. I did it to myself—booze, stress, and a bad fall. It probably won’t be that last time either,” she yells, deflecting her lie into my issue, which it certainly is not, all while letting a little truth slip—she has more bruises than that. Fuck. He had her. These bruises were of passion, not of anger. My worst nightmare has arrived, and I am now in a war bigger than it was ever supposed to escalate to.Won’t be the last time? The fuck, it won’t; a man can’t fuck you without a cock to place inside of you, little bird.

“Liam, honestly, I am fine,” she reassures me, her hands grabbing onto my face, attempting to restore the color to my skin. Her eyes soft, her tone so desperate for me to accept her answer. I doexactlyjust that. Once again, I’m forced to refrain from the darkness taking over me, and I let her lies fill her head as truth—for now, notforever.

“Okay, well, let’s get you upstairs. I’ll go get you a bottle of champagne, and you can soak in the tub. I’ll unload the car, then we will ice it, babe.” I throw back the glass still sitting on the counter, the burn feeding my need for revenge. My exterior presenting what she wants of me, while internally, I want to burn the fucking world down. My heart—shattered.

---