Page 26 of I See Red

“Thank you, love, that honestly sounds fucking amazing.” She gasps, releasing the breath she was holding, waiting for my response. The fear that was just resting in her eyes melts away, and relief replaces it.

You haven’t won, little bird, but I’ll let you believe it for now, this isn’t over, Ivy. Not by a long fucking shot.

“Giving myself grace feels so wrong. Maybe this isn’t the type of grace Evalyn meant when she told me I’m allowed to gift it to myself.”

—Ivy

Nothing about lying feels right. Maybe it’s time I tell Liam the truth about my relations with T. He knows we are friends. I’vealways been honest about that—kind of. He’s always been fine with my sexual indiscretions; I should just tell him. The thought passes as quickly as it comes. The possibility of losing him seems worse than lying to him. The hot water washes over me as I sink down into the water, the bubbles floating to the top, allowing me to sink into the quietest of places in the world. My favorite place. Rising back up, I reach over, grabbing the glass of champagne Liam poured for me. Taking a sip, releasing a breath, my head falls back in pure bliss.Fuck, I’m exhausted. The silk of the water between my legs takes me back to last weekend with T. Fuck was it beautiful. The feel of his hands on my skin, the taste of him on my lips. I re-imagine and run through the events of that weekend. The conversation, the security I felt with him, laying out on the dock together, just enjoying each other and fuck, the food. It was truly one of the best weekends of my life until I had to head back to the city. That’s when the weight of our decision to cross the line we promised we never would seeped in, hitting so hard. I beat myself up all week over it. I do have a conscience, after all. Luckily, work, and this huge deal Red and I have been working on was the perfect distraction for me. We’ve dreamed of a deal like this our entire career. Sole listing rights to an entire building. That’s one hundred and thirty-six units. The commission alone would be life-altering, though that’s not our driving force because we’ve made millions already. The professional bar we would set in the real estate world would be substantial. I haven’t quite figured out how we are going to sell them all in six months per our contract yet, but with her spunk and my brain, it will get done. Failure is not an option, especially with so many industry eyes on this deal. The snakes are already circulating, praying for our downfall. I’ve tried to avoid Red like the plague, but it was hard this week. I know she knows, but I haven’t spoken to her about it per se. I know I shouldn’t want to celebrate my lies and behavior with T, but part of me feels like akid in a candy store needing to share the details with someone. Scrolling through my phone, I land on Olive’s name. Clicking on it, I open our message thread, my fingers igniting. I haven’t replied to her since I left town for Maine with T. So, there is no skirting around it. She’s known me far too long, and when I disappear, it’s no secret with her that I’m up to absolutely nothing mentally beneficial. I am sure T was never on her mind when I disappeared, though. It’s never been him, so here’s to blowing her mind.

Ivy:Hey, Bestie. Sorry I disappeared on you again. Life’s been crazy, and I just needed to blow off some steam. I’m home now, though. How are you? How’s life? Sorry I missed the art show. I promise I’ll be at the next one….

Fuck, waiting for her response is killing me. Her bubbles keep moving then stopping. Come on, girl, don’t leave me waiting. You know I have some tea for you. The bubbles stop. Fuck, her response is in. I don’t want to look.

Olive:Bestieeeeee, I have missed you so much; totally fine btw; there’s always the next one. You did miss an insane show, though. So, are we going to talk about the elephant in the thread? Or are we going to act like you didn’t pull another disappearing act? God, I hope it wasn’t O’Connor again, but nonetheless, I need DEETS.

Olive may be a lot of things, but dumb has never been one of them. She can read me like a book. It’s honestly what I loveabout her most. She knows me so well, and with her, I oddly don’t mind being seen. Her life and marriage are perfect, but she never judges me, and for that, I have so much love for her. She lives vicariously through me; that has never been a secret. Our friendship is filled with purity and honesty, and there’s never been bad blood between us like there is between Red and I. There is nothing better than having a woman friend who is never in competition with you, yet always there rooting for you to win. Those friendships are rare as fuck, and if the Lord cursed me in every other way, he most certainly blessed me with her. She heals the friendless inner child in me daily. A smile appears across my face at her desire to know the details as I begin to type.

Ivy:Haha you know me soooo well. Bitch, I don’t even know where to start. I’m chilling in the tub right now. I’m a little wounded and trying to soak and drink the pain away. Definitely not O’Connor, although you know he isn’t that bad. He’s sweet. You’re so harsh on him. But yeah, not him. I was actually up in Maine this past weekend, then had to return to the city to get the contracts signed and negotiated for that building we have exclusive seller rights to on Fenway Ave. What a fucking nightmare, but certainly a well-welcomed distraction after the weekend I had.

Olive:Wounded? Confused…. Not O’Connor? Then who? Nate? The fuck were you in Maine for girl? Alone?

Ivy:Well, as you are aware, T was in town. Long story short, he didn’t leave. I was so upset by his and Red’s actions I got drunk and secluded myself in my loft when he showed up in the rain with a car, demanding me to get in. Of course my dumbass did…

Olive:Get the fuck out, no lie, that shit sounds hot AF…… Wait, did yous guys? I’m on the edge of my seat…… Dish before I go into cardiac arrest. Where’s Liam?

Ivy:Liams downstairs somewhere, thank god. I need a break to gather my thoughts and figure out how I’m going to approach this whole Tayden thing to him, if at all. He saw the bruises on my ribcage and flipped the fuck out. He pulled the wholewho did this to you.I was able to assure him I harmed myself falling out of the shower, but I feel the conversation isn’t over yet. Olive, honestly, it was a wild weekend. He took me away to this home, and it was everything I had ever dreamed of. A private library fully stocked with all my favorites and a motorized spiral staircase to reach them all, with a bed suspended from the ceiling in the middle and awrap-around porch like that bed and breakfast we went to that one time in Cornish, remember? The one with the huge swing on the front and, anyway, the architecture in this home was stunning. Honeysuckles literally everywhere, and it was truly home; then he shocked the fuck out of me… He said it was my home he spent the last year having built specifically for me since I’ve never felt I’ve had one. Then shit just got out of hand, I tried. I promise I fucking tried to refrain from it, but how the fuck could one after that? Especially with our history. So yeah, we fucked so many times, ergo, my bruised ribs. I feel guilty, I do, but honestly, it was all I ever imagined it to be and then some. We then argued over some shit from our past, which really sucked, but it needed to happen, I guess. Fuck, I’m so screwed.

Olive:I’m gasping for air right now. Holy fuck, yous guys finally did it. Damn girl, I know you’ve been fighting it for so long. Honestly, I don’t blame you, but now that you’ve had him, what happens now? I can’t imagine the feelings running through your overthinking brain driving back home to Liam today. Areyou going to tell him? And what the fuck is T still doing in town? Girl, your life is so wild……… Are you okay?

Ivy:I’m okay. You know me, compartmentalize, and move on. I don’t know what the future holds, though, honestly. I love Liam so fucking much, you know that. He is steady, dependable, kind, and fuck so patient with me. I just fucking hate that I feel like I don’t know him like he does me. It’s like I’m missing an entire part of him. I can’t really put my finger on it, but I wish he fought with me more. He’s just perfect, and perfect scares me ‘cause nobody is perfect.Obviously, my actions with T are not because of a lack in Liam and I’s relationship. You know that. T and I just have so much unfinished business together. I guess I always thought once it happened, I would finally have clarity, but honestly, I’m more confused now than ever. It’s odd, but I don’t feel like I could ever blow up my life for T, but I know with his new move that I was just made aware of, it’s certainly going to make things harder. Forever stuck in an entanglement. Excuse me while I drown myself in the tub.

Setting my phone down, I sink into the tub all dramatic-like, the air leaving my lungs bubbling up to the surface, afraid of her response.

Olive:Pull your head out of that water right meow bitch… it’s fine, it’s all going to be fine. You’s both have held onto each other for so long. Honestly, I’ve never understood why the two of you haven’t ended up together yet, but as always, I am #TEAMLIAM. He loves you so much girl, and nothing’s wrong with perfect.I think when it comes to Tayden you need to ask yourself though, is it love? Or not letting go of the past? That’s the question I think you need to answer before you can find a sense of direction. Wait, where’s Tayden moving to? Here?

Ivy:Apparently, he’s been here for months. He and Anastasia moved here a couple months ago.

Olive:Girllllllllll, okay, maybe it’s not going to be okay. Fuck me, that’s a lot going on in your life. I wish I had the words for you, but I don’t. How you handle all this and your job is just fucking wild. Tayden in Boston, fuck….. Not good, bestie, not good. But who knows, maybe the closure in distance will allowyou to move on, and maybe it’s out of your system now? I know we read about stories like yours and Tayden’s, but is it real world or fantasy? That’s what you need to figure out. How’s Red handling it? God, I can only imagine…

Ivy:Thanks for the pep talk—NOT. Red, well, I haven’t spoken to her about it yet, but she’s been trying to reach out. I just can’t deal with her right now outside work. I know she knows, and I can tell she’s pissed. I worry more about what she is going to do now that I broke our only rule when it comes to him. I can’t stress about it right now though. I gotta focus on Liam. I haven’t spoken to Tayden since we left Maine. I’m not sure if or when I will. I’m just trying to avoid him altogether right now, and he hasn’t reached out either, as usual, so it’s probably a good thing. We both probably needed to just get it out of our system so I can move on with Liam and him with Anastasia, and this whole childhood thing can be just that. A fantasy we craved and fulfilled, now a part of our past, end of the story.Anyway, I want to see you. Are you in the city or out here?Lotus for lunch on Sunday? I need normalcy.

Olive:Girl, I hope that’s all it was, and you can finally move on from him. Nothing against him, but this has carried on for so many years, and I want you to truly be happy. Liam is perfect for you! Plus, Dax likes him, so it would suck if yous guys ever broke up! Obviously, I want more deets cause I can only imagine how wild it was….. And size does matter But yeah, we’re out here this weekend. Let’s plan for noon Sunday? Can’t wait to see you guys! Love you so big, and no, I’m not judging you, so stop overthinking and relax. Heal those sex ribs see you Sunday. Love you Best Frannnnnn.

Ivy:Aww, you got jokes Perfect see you then….. I will try, no promises. Love you too.

God, I fucking love her. Honestly, I’d be lost without her. Most people want friends that always agree with them and never question their actions. I hate those, which is why I love her. She may not judge me, but she certainly doesn’t hold back when it comes to being honest and level-headed. I don’t care who you are. No genuine human wants to be agreed with on everything.Except me when it comes to Liam allowing me to keep Tayden.She’s that for me, always keeping me grounded, even when I go soaring off into self-destruction. God, I feel so much better after texting with her, and my ribs, well, they aren’t half as bad as they were before this Epsom salt bath, and the half bottle of champagne I’ve taken in helps too. Maybe it’s the chaos talking as it usually is, but for once in a long time, I can’t help but feel like I just might be okay and survive life.

Double Trouble

“The Best part of growing up with someone is knowing them like the back of your hand…

My turn bitch!!!”

—Red

Ivy hasn’t been the same since Tayden came to town. She may think I am in the dark about the situation, but I am not the dumb one in this friendship. Far the fuck from it. I know something happened between them, and the way her demeanor has changed over the last couple of weeks proves to me they fucked. She dresses differently, she’s more outspoken, and she certainly has more pep in her step, as if a side of her has finally awakened. She can try and ice me out, but it won’t work—I know all. I know they’ve hooked up; the question is whether her pep is from amazing sex or wheels spinning and thoughts of leaving Liam creeping in. I’m simply just waiting for her to show her cards. We had an understanding neither of us were to ever touch him.We made that pact for a fucking reason. In reality, I wanted no part of her pathetic idea; why refrain from your desires? But she insisted that it would mucky our waters and our relationship if it ever happened. That it would create great chaos between us. I know she only feels that because he’s always loved me more than her. I am everything she is not: powerful, a force, and secure as fuck in my skin. I know exactly what a man wants just as much, if not more than her, and I’m not afraid of the power my body wields—especially with him. I love her but have always found her reserve with him pathetic; that of a broken and scared little mousy girl, not the woman she is. Accepting her ways is not something I have done graciously in our relationship. Like I get it, I do, but fuck, at some point, she needs to forgive and move on from her past and come into all she can offer to the world. She is what holds herself back, not what happened to her. We all have shitty lives, nobody’s childhood is perfect, fuck I get that; boy, do I fucking get it. I think sometimes better than her. I’d never tell her that but, one will never stop surviving and start living, experiencing true freedom from your chains until you start chasing your demons instead of allowing them to chase you, forever backing you into a corner. Hers have kept her locked in a corner our entire friendship. There’s no healing in running, just more running. I could have had a real life with Tayden if it wasn’t for her and this stupid pact. Imagining him and I is like the power couple people fawn over. Powerful, financially free for generations to come if we chose to have littles, devilish and playful, and the sex, well, it would have been on fire. Instead, I was damned to spend my years fucking faceless men as he has women. Cursed searching for him in the pathetic and broken desires of men that deserve no ounce of me. There is the rarity of the few that do now, but the beginning was rough. I should have fought harder for that pact to never be written into existence. That was my mistake, one I won’t makeagain. I’m going for what I want, what I have earned, what he and I both deserve. Fuck the pact. Fuck the chaos it will cause, fuck it all.My turn bitch.

Red:Hey stranger, what are you doing right this moment? Besides thinking about spreading my legs and tongue fucking me into an alternate universe?

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