Page 44 of I See Red

“I bought this place because of the history here, not just mine, but all the kids who grew up here. It wasn’t deserving of some business to move in and cover up all the lives that existed here. The childhoods chiseled out here. It seemed so wrong to allow someone to cover up all who grew up here and fucking became who they were within these walls. I bought this place because across that wall are our lockers, where we met every day. And back there is the outlet where Ronald put a fork in the electrical socket. Out past Sensei’s apartment is where he learned his love for archery and knife throwing and practiced day and night chasing all those world titles he earned, placing him in the Guinness Book of World Records. At those tables over there is where I passed all my classes and fought like hell to get my homework done, not to have good grades but to not have this place ripped from me for failing. This roomwhere we standis the room I completed every belt test reminding myself I wasn’t fucking worthless, nor was I only good for a fuck. This room where you and I stand reminded me I was able to accomplish the un-accomplishable. This room raised me, made me a fighter, and never told me I was a survivor. The same room where we ran around until way past our bedtime at in-school sleepover nights where for a few hours in my life, I fucking mattered and had friends. Even if they weren’t mine, I was theirs. I own this place because this place fucking matters. It made me, created the little good in me besides you, and is the only reason I didn’t blow my fucking brains out years ago. This place gave meyou,which in turn gave me hope that would carry me to my twenty-ninthbirthday, now mere months from the one I thought I’d never see thirty.”

Silence festers between us, and I have so much to say, but it’s not my turn. She needs to say it all here and now with me, in this place. I have to give her that, as hard as it is not to scream out all the thoughts swarming my head.

“You areherebecause when I was locked away all those times, losing my mind trying to hold onto a shred of dignity, a shred of hope, I knew that I had this place to return to if I just fucking survived and made it out. Even though every time I came back a little more broken, a little less me, I fucking made it back. This place stitched my wounds each moment I got to step back on thishorridblue carpet, even when I knew I’d be leaving again. This place was my home, my safety, my normalcy, and it housed my greatest love—you. It held and still holds all I hold dear to me, an unbreakable bond, the beauty in my wreckage.”

Wiping the snot from her nose, tears pour from my eyes.

“You arehere,Tayden, because to rebuild, you must tear everything down to the foundation—welcome to my fucking foundation.” Fuck, her words cut me like ice.

Is she saying I am her foundation? Or is this where she tells me I’m not a part of the blueprints of her future plans?. Breaking my silence, my tongue catches up with my curiosity.

“Am I a part of that picture?”

“No, T, I can’t rebuild with you.” Her words breathless and brazen. Turning the knife in me deeper.

Jesus fucking Christ. Ivy, you can’t do this to me—to us.

“If that’s what you need, then I understand.” My words venomous lies, but all I can grasp. I have none; her confession swallowing them up, just fucking overwhelming sadness.

This is like all the other times throughout our relationship. She just needs some time, and eventually, she will come back around; she always does; you’re ok, it’s ok.

“You don’t mean that, Amor.”

“Yes. Yes, I do. You should have never moved here.”

“I guess there’s nothing I can do then… Red?”

“Dead. I fucking killed her last night; that’s why she never texted you back.”

Pacing back and forth at her confession, my own spiral begins.

Jesus fucking Christ. What the fuck has she done? She is blowing everything up in flames. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. She’s hurting so bad, and I can’t fucking stop the self-destructing path she’s on. Fucking murder?

Finding my grounding, I look onto her in silence, calculating her next move before I play mine. She’s unhinged, and the last thing I want is to be on the opposing side of it.

Don’t give in Ives, don’t let the darkness swallow you up, don’t lose it all, all you’ve worked for. I know you’re in there; fight, if not for me than for her. Fuck.

“I have no words, Amor. I—um, I’m sorry we are here under these circumstances. I’m sorry I ruined it all that night. I guess I just thought… Well, it doesn’t matter anymore. I’m sorry. I love you with all I have. I always will.”

“Yeah.”

“If not again in this lifetime, then in another place in time, I will find you and we will be together no matter how many lives I have to live through to make it happen, it will.Forever and through.” My words fall on her skin as my lips kiss her velvety forehead. Squeezing her tighter for good measure in case it’s the last time I ever do before I turn, heading back the direction I came in, leaving my heart on that thin red line at her feet—Forever and through.

“Walk away; that’s what everyone always does.”

—Ivy

Pushing him away isn’t easy, and watching him walk away with such ease is torture. I wish for once in his life he would fucking fight for me—for us. Rage engulfs me as I stare at his back, and I’m not ready to close this chapter without a fight.

“Typical, you just walk away without a fight,” I shout at the top of my lungs across the empty building, my arms tight against my chest, hugging myself. My words land on his ears, and in a second, he turns to me, his eyes engulfed with rage, his words echoing off the metal walls.

“I’m not allowed to fucking fight for you.”

I’m taken aback by his tone; he’s never spoken to me like this, but I welcome it, and all it does to my body.There you go, get mad, get angry, fucking say something for once that matters, that means something.He’s never been a rageful man. His ability to remain level-headed and calm is envious. Chills down my spine, his testament excites me in areas that aren’t normal considering the circumstances.

“How would you know? You’ve never fucking tried. You always take what I say at face value. I’ve never been worthy of the fight in you; you’ve made that very fucking clear with your passive-aggressive bullshit. I’m worth fucking, though. I’m worth fucking up the one good thing I had going with Liam, butno, not worth fucking fighting for when I’m sending you out the fucking door packing for good.”

His steps become swift as he charges toward me, his finger aimed at the ground, the veins in his neck bulging.

---