Page 5 of I See Red

“There I was, a thousand miles off the coast of the Hawaiian archipelago, Kiritimati Island, with the sexiest woman alive on my boat. The sun in my eyes radiating off her long blonde hair; life could not have been better. The boat had just finished rocking, if you know what I mean, and the wind was singing when suddenly my rod took a dive further and deeper than I had ever seen it bend before. I raced to grab it, but I tripped over a fuhking rope.Fuck me and his Irish accent.

Tumbling forward, right before the rod snapped out of the holder, I glided across the boat floor and somehow managed to grab onto that fuhker. No shit, I spent like an hour fighting that fuhking fish. But when I finally got it up and on my boat, man, I had never seen a yellow-tailed tuna like that before. It was huge. It had to have been a world record for sure. Something about their deep blue backs, silver bellies, and yellow fins sure makes a million-dollar boat that much prettier, although the view was worth even more before the fish joined us,” he exclaims.

“Especially once it’s sliced perfectly on my plate,” Olive interjects.

“I’m more certain you caught a world record fish than I am of you having the sexiest woman alive on your boat,” Lucas teases.

Laughs fill the air around the table, doubt in their minds to the validity of O’Connor’s remembrance of events.

“Yeah, she sure was perfect, beautiful, still is,” he mutters, his voice no longer being spoken from his diaphragm, now leaking from his throat, as if he is remembering a notable time, a moment, a scar. His body physically retreating from the conversation, tipping his head down towards the table, he reaches for his drink—his silence so fucking loud. Olive clears her throat aggressively into the void of the shift of emotions now gracing our table. I toss her a side eye before tracing my eyes around the table until they land on O’Connor as I begin to speak.

“I bet she—” Suddenly, my words can’t form, my tongue feels like that of a cat, I am washed over by a cold sweat, and the room has begun spinning. My eyes zero in on a man directly behind O’Connor off in the distance. One hand tucked in his pocket, his back pressed against the dark red rose-covered trellis wall. His other caressing a crystal glass I am certain holds nothing other than the finest scotch. I close my eyes momentarily, hoping my vision is that of my imagination, before re-opening them only to find him still standing there, and it comes to fruition with full force right here in this moment. Somehow, my past has landed in my present.

His chestnut-brown eyes glare at me as he raises his glass with the coldest of hands one could ever touch. I am sure if anything has changed about him, that has not. My stomach is officially in my throat again, and suddenly, food seems like the worst idea.

Immediately, I am alerted to the fact Red has zeroed in on him just as I, and I can feel the turmoil beginning to build between us.

I’m going to be sick.

“Why is he here? And most importantly, how did he get into the event?” I whisper.

Red doesn’t say a word; in fact, she is so busy gazing off like the entire room and everyone in it has completely disappeared that I am not even sure she remembers I am here. All that exists is her and him. I feel ill. Nothing good is going to come from this and to be honest, this moment could not get any worse.

She whispers to me, her voice steady, her body still like a knight’s armor, “Like he needs to be on a list. We will get through this, just as we have done before.”

We both take a moment before giving him the acknowledgment he is craving in his random appearance from both of us. Red lifts her glass from the table, raising it up in his direction. His face is polished and endearing in form.Fuck-that chiseled jawline.At this moment, I know the subject of our conversation over coffee tomorrow morning. I will have to painfully sit through all the details while trying to disentangle years of my emotions.

This cannot be happening.I need another Xanax pronto.

His tongue glides across the bottom of his lip lightly as he lifts the rim to his mouth, his leg lunging him off the wall. I watch as his steps bring him closer to us with each stride, his body exuding command and control. I can feel myself slipping away as he closes in the distance. My chest begins growing heavier, my breaths escaping louder and louder, matching the rise and fall of my chest.

Lord are we in trouble. I can’t, I just fucking can’t, seeing him in the flesh after all this time.

“Good evening, Red.” His sultry voice captivating her with only three words.

“Tayden Bergess, my love, how are you? To what do we owe this pleasure?” Red draws out.

Seriously Red, pleasure? More like hell.

I am emotionally sinking in my seat right now.

Please do not acknowledge me. Please don’t.

He does not. I am certain he knows I have emotionally checked out. May seem odd to others, but since we were kids, his ability to read me has been nothing less than exquisite. No matter the time or distance, he is all-knowing when it comes to my emotions, his ability only growing throughout the years. He knows, and I know that I am shaking in my skin. I become aware that this is where I need to excuse myself completely, and that is precisely what I do. I have nothing to say to either of them.

This changes everything because nothing is ever as it seems…

Dear Diary,

Date: Sometime in the 90’s, does it matter?

Sup!!!!!! Sorry it’s been so long…..Today sucked balls, like big ones. Well, kinda, there was a little good, but let’s start with the bad first. Honestly, I am convinced I will never truly have friends, nor will I understand the small minds within them. I really wish I had friends though. I’m so lonely. Mrs. Davis was amazing as usual,grading her papers and smiling every chance she got. I am convinced she is the mother to one of those families that sit around at the dinner table at night together, and everyone gathers at her home for the holidays, telling stories and catching up on their year’s accomplishments filled with light, love, and laughter. God what I’d give to have a family like that. I spent most of the day in Mrs. K’s office again. Fucking Jessica, I swear I’d love to kill her, knowing what today’s adventures will bring me once my father gets wind. It’s only a matter of time before I’m sent away again, and honestly, I’m not sure I can take much more. It truly wasn’t my fault this time, although is it really ever? lol, I know I play a role, but people need to learn to respect others, and when they don’t, I feel I do what’s necessary to defend myself and dish the lesson plan in their direction. Maybe I am fucked up? It’s a possibility at this point, considering all I have been exposed to. Some things way before my time, and others that no human should ever know exist here in reality and not just in the fictions. Either way, it’s getting harder to believe I will ever find peace,much less happiness within myself. Sitting in the office the rest of the day, I thought to myself while looking around at all the office ladies moving on with their day, laughing and wearing their masks so well, that I’m not sure I can wear mine much longer. The thoughts started rolling in; maybe my only out is the gun cabinet my father keeps locked in his office. Obviously, the key is in the drawer, dumbass. Maybe I should end it all before there is more than I can endure. At least I can die with a piece of me left. Pathetic when you think about it since I’m only in elementary school, and I should have my whole life ahead of me. Even more sad, I would choose to turn it on myself before my abuser, but that news line would just prove his narrative, the other way proving mine, although it probably wouldn’t. It would just allow him the luxury of playing the saddened father who tried everything to help his poor, messed up daughter and failed while also allowing him to speak on my mental health, forgetting he is the devil pulling all the strings and I’m just his captive. God, he’d fucking love that narrative so much it would be a gift tohim. One I’m not sure I’m willing to give. I’m fucked living, and I’m fucked dead. I thought school would have noticed by now, and questions would start arising from my behavior about my home life, but they never do because rich people can’t apparently have something wrong within their home. How can a rich kid be abused? Fucking dumbasses. As far as I’m concerned, they are all complacent in my downfall, as is my father and his fucking mask that I am sure will kill me way before my time and certainly before the world ever sees behind it. I’d love nothing more than to reveal him to the world, but I am learning the more I try to do that, the harder my life becomes and the worse the picture is painted of me. On another note, Dad’s newest wife, number four to be exact, (have to get my digs where I can) decided I didn’t need to attend cheer anymore and enrolled me in martial arts. Imagine that, take away my one constant since I was two, that I am good at, and throw me into a man’s world like I haven’t been trapped in it my whole life. She’s fun and young, but let’s be honest, with a 28 year age gap, I doubt it will lastlong. Who knows, maybe she will be my savior; yeah right, nobody is saving me but me. If anything, she will be a nice distraction for a while. I give it a year tops; they never stick around once they learn who he really is. That’s why I haven’t written to you in a while. I’ve been doing karate every night after school, and I’m too tired when I get home. Anywayz…… Let’s get to the good… Soooooooo there is this boy at the studio, there’s something about him my brain is drawn to. He’s certainly not like other crushes I have had as far as looks, but there is something that’s been there between us. I guess that’s what makes him different. He likes me back, lol. He looks at me, and I get butterflies in my stomach. Anywhoooo, so I had to ride the bus for the first time today, and he was riding it, too. He said hi to me for the first time, and his voice with my name was ekkkkk hot!!!

We sat next to each other on the bus, and honestly, I felt so awkward, like did my pits stink? Were my granny panties hanging out of my jeans when I stood up? Hahaha!! I know, so dumb, but it’s true. The fact that Tayden wassitting so close to me, his leg literally touching me, was dreamy. I won’t lie, I just listened to my headphones until he so rudely started talking music with me. It’s funny how I’m more of an R&B person, and he’s more of a rock/punk person, but I can totally get down with the sickness, haha!!! He saved me when Gerald slammed on the breaks, basically drifting into the studio, so that was heroic. Ha, what a fucking loser I am. Anywayzzz, I hope he’s my boyfriend one day, not that my dad would ever allow it. No one gets me but him. I have a weird feeling, a connection every time I stare at Tayden, though. It has to mean something… Then again, I’m always looking for anything to mean something in my life…… Anwayzzzzzz, I G2G now; my shit life is calling, as is my master. I promise to write soon and give you all the deets best frrrrriiiiieeeeeend!! My only friend, 4EVA!!!

Sincerely,

IV’ zzzzzzz

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