Page 51 of I See Red

“Ever and ever-Amen, babes. Even when I’m cringe as fuck. That’s what you signed up for.”

Pulling me in, his lips meet mine, his tongue invading my mouth, and I’m whisked away, no longer worried about what’s to come.

“I love your cringe. You ready, princess?”

“I’m not sure. We doing like a one-two-three? Maybe a little spin kick? How are we doing this?”

“The door has been open, so I guess how you choose to spin around is purely up to you, princess.”

“Wa—wait, what? When?” Leaning into my ear, he whispers so softly, “When you were sucking my tongue into the depths of your throat.” His words sealed with a smack to my ass.

“Shut up, you liked it,” I gasp, smacking him on the chest with both hands.

Grabbing my wrists, he shoots them straight into the air, my hands feeling the cold of the trim lining the door, sending a frigid chill through my spine, his face lowering to mine, his soul searching me.

“Not my doomsday, princess, not yet anyways,” he growls.

“Implying it’s mine?” My confusion drips into my words.

“I told you I don’t forgive so easily.”

His words cut me unexpectedly, and although I know I should like them, I’m nervous and caught off guard. Fear starts taking over. I know I’ve made mistakes, and I do need to repent for them, but the thought of paying my debts in sex, if that’s even what’s on the other side of the open door behind me, takes me to a place I never want to revisit. I know with him, that’s not even how it would be, but fuck me as the flashbacks begin seeping in. I begin fighting the urge to shut down, but it’s all over my face, and the tingles remind me I am triggered, and all I can think about is running. Suddenly, this surprise feels less intriguing and more like a memory of my past, not one to welcome a new beginning. History repeats itself as I do what I do best, my head slumping down toward my feet, my eyes taking focus as I zone out in avoidance. My vision blurs and I’m transported to my safe space. The dissociation beginning against my will as my brain tries to recover. My vision in full whiteout, time and sound standing still. I’m frozen.

“Ivy, Ivy,Ivy,” he shouts, trying to pull me from my trance. I can hear him off in the distance; it’s like he’s a world away from me, but I’m still aware he’s right here toe to toe with me. My body begins to shake as he tries to get my attention. Mylimbs swaying with the force of his hands around them, yet I can’t break contact, not until it allows me to. It will happen shortly. It always does. Eventually, I always come to once my brain releases me. Sometimes, it lasts seconds, and others, it lasts minutes. One thing I have learned is there’s no fighting it. Simply relishing in the peace it brings over me. It’s so beautiful here in the silence, the calm, the white noise between worlds. His last jolt pulls me back to reality, and in an instant, my eyes snap back to his.

“Sorry. I, uh, I—you were saying?”

“Ivy, you did it again. Are you okay?” His hands feel so warm, like a heated blanket kissing my cheeks as he holds my face in his view.He’s concerned, rightfully so.Liam may feel he knows me and that Tayden is my only secret, but there is far more he doesn’t know. Tayden is like a chip off the old block in comparison. The tip of the iceberg, myself the Titanic, constantly drifting in its direction, catastrophe waiting patiently in the darkness of the waters. I have wished on so many occasions that I could just completely melt in front of him and expose all I am to him, but history has never been kind when I have. Men don’t want broken women, and if they do, they most certainly don’t truly want to know the truth of the cracks they must fill that someone placed in them, especially ones like mine. He wouldn’t want me; they never do. I’ve run off more men in my life testing the waters with the small shit to find; eventhatthey couldn’t swallow. I damn sure will not be the reason I lose Liam by sharing the big stuff. I won’t allow them to ruin what I love a moment longer, so I stay visible in my best while keeping most of me locked in the darkness. Where it was born, where it belongs, where it can’t take more from me than it has already claimed all these years. My stories are not the kind to be told; no, they are meant for my torture only. I refuse to let them torment someoneelse, much less ruin the one constant good human in my life that hasn’t shown me the exit.

“Yeah, babe. I’m fine. I promise. It was just a little daydreaming. I’m sorry. I’m fine; seriously, all is well.” His eyes darken at my lies, momentarily giving me the feeling he doesn’t trust what I’ve just said to him, as if my lies are on full display, and once again, I am the villain. My fingers gently glide across his arms, trying to prove with my gesture that I am fine. I’m not; he knows it, just as I. There are so many euphoric feelings racing through my flesh as confusion and forgetfulness whisk through my thoughts. I can’t help but try to remember what we were talking about.

“What were you saying?” I ask, my hands squeezing onto his arms, my lips parting in calculated laughter, hoping to sell my lies further.

The door slams behind me, causing my head to snap towards it; deep green paint is all to see. Searching for his face, I find my words.

“What are—” cutting me off within seconds, the vibrations of his deep and rustic voice cover mine.

“Nothing, princess. We were heading down to the parlor so I can once again beat your pretty little ass in a round of pool. Mimosa or whiskey?”

He is lying to me. He was going to show me something, the surprise he was working on. Fucking Liam, always trying to protect me without ever knowing what I need protection from. Guilt barrels into me, and I feel horrible. I ruined his surprise.Fucking idiot, Ivy. You’re a fucking idiot.

“No, you were showing—” I try to insist, but once again, he cuts me off.

“No, we weren’t. After you,” he bites, his tone forceful, and I love him even more in this moment. How he knows me to my core, I will never understand. How he has the patience for me isso undeserving, butfuck,I love him more each time he does his magic trick.

Leading the way, I make a left leaving his surprise behind as I head down the hall making my way towards the parlor, his hand in tow with mine as he follows behind. Looking back, I flash him a smile, his in return making me feel a little less shitty.

“So, what’s on the playlist for the day, princess? Is it a 90s garage band day, a 90s hip hop day, or possibly a 90s country?”

“You already know the answer to that, sweet man,” I tease, skipping over to the wooden rack grabbing a pool stick. Chalking it up nicely, I’m startled by his dislike of my gesture.

“Don’t ever call me that,” he growls.

“Geez, I was just trying to be sweet. It’s not that serious, babe.” Avoiding the awkwardness now filling the room, I begin chalking up my hands, avoiding all eye contact he may have with me altogether.

“It is; just as you have your quirks, I have mine, and sweet man is off limits. Please respect it as I do yours is all I’m asking. I didn’t mean to shout at you. I’m sorry, but please don’t use it again. I love you. Whiskey or mimosa?”

“I understand. I’m sorry. I won’t say it again. I’m thinking maybe it’s a Budweiser day. You got that back there?”

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