Page 60 of I See Red

“Wait a room? Like what kind of room?

“No girl. You’re not tracking. I didn’t see what was behind the door. Budweiser night, pool table, keep up. It was intense. I haven’t seen him that way in a long time. He had his hat backwards and all. Fuck me, was it hot. We danced and had the fucking night of our lives for the first time in a long time, but baby, I didn’t even know that was just a small flicker of what was to come until…” I spill.

“Until what? Wait, that’s not even all?”

“Girl, no. So then yesterday, I woke up before him, and he caught me looking out and thinking about Tayden while doing some questionable things to myself,if you know whatI mean.I thought I had gotten away with it until he joined me in the shower. When I tell you he ruined me, I mean that with my entire chest. There were chains he installed in the ceiling, and he forced me to entertain myself while he watched.And then, he fucked the absolute shit out of me three ways to Sunday. It was like someone else took over him, and then that’s not even the weirdest part. He has started calling me ‘little bird’, which I’ve yet to figure out, but obviously, it’s a pet name, so it’s hot, but like, what’s it mean? He basically drowned me while I was chained under bone-chilling water while all this took place, forcing me to tell him ‘I don’t like the cold’. So, he obviously knew who I was thinking about while I was doing what I did. It was a passionate yet terrifyinglesson,as he called it.” I gasped, trying to catch my breath.

At this point, Olive has finished her entire drink, the sounds of her trying to suck out what little is left in the bottom of her cup ringing through the air. Her mouth drops open, and a gasp sucks in across her tongue. She’s speechless and searching for the right words.

“Wait a damn minute, you’re talking about Liam? Sweet, supportive, man of few words, Liam Maddox? There’s no fucking way. You’re fucking with me; yous must be.”

I wish I was fucking with her because I am just as confused as she is, if not more. I mean, yes. I always wanted him to have more of a personality, but this? This was not on my 2022 bingo card. It has confused me so much because although there is that side to me that enjoys the fuck out of this Liam, I feel as though it’s so dangerous in the same. He is feeding a side of me I have been trying to run from my entire life: the dark, the bad, the intellectually fucked and twisted, sexually freed versionof myself. The part of me I only feed every so often. The girl who believes fucking is making love. What happens when that is readily available to me every day? Yes, life with Liam was kind of boring, but boring is good. I need that in my life for the stability it brings, the balance and the hope that I can be better, be mundane. The whole good and evil thing O’Connor fed me.

“I wish I were O. I am so confused ‘cause you know me. You know I fought my entire life for normal, to be whole and okay, and convince myself that sex isn’t dirty, that my sexually free desires are normal, but I still run from it, and Liam was that soft landing. Now, my safety net stepped up to the chess board and flipped the entire fucking thing over.”

“Girl, Liam really said, fuck around and find out, huh? Do you think he’s always been like this? Or do you think your actions caused this shift in him?” she asks.

“I’m not sure, but ironic you ask that because I asked myself that exact same thing. The last thing I want is for him to become something he is not, just to please me. I don’t wish what I am on anyone. It’s not easy not being able to commit to someone fully. I know it’s my trauma, but I also know my guilt in my sexual explorative desires isn’t healthy either. Maybe this helps me undo my thoughts surrounding sex and allows me to relearn it as loving, clean, and pure. Not dirty, trashy, and vulgar. I guess I just wasn’t expecting him to be on that journey with me,” I whisper, my arms across the table, my head low, and leaning in.

“Well girl, I was expecting tea, but that is certainly piping hot tea, and I don’t even know what to say. Have yous spoken to him or asked him about it? You liked it, didn’t you?Youdirty bish.”

“Obviously, yeah. I enjoyed the fuck out of it. Hands down the hottest sex I have ever had, well, with him. The water, the sounds, the demands—ugh, hot, but no. I haven’t spoken to him yet about it specifically. I want to. I’m just afraid of the answers,honestly. But I need to. I know that for certain, at least some sort of communication over it all, right?”

Olive reaches her hand over, resting it on top of mine. Looking up at me.

“You need to talk to him. I think you need to talk to them both, Ivy. The music has been playing, you just refuse to listen to it. I fear when it stops, you may notlike the song it lands on.”

She’s not wrong. I amwellaware I need to speak to Liam, and I will eventually when I am ready, but Tayden, here she goes again. Why does she keep saying I need to speak with him? What are you hiding, O?

“Anyways, what’s new at the art studio?” I ask, hoping to rearrange the speaking materials.

“Not much. Winter’s here, so I am getting ready for our winter release. There’s this new artist I am so excited about, Michael Langford, so I figured we’d do a soft opening show for him and see how it goes before we throw him in the winter showcase, which will allow him to sell a few pieces to make room for his new works during the winter show. He’s good, really good, but you know, he’s not Ivy good,” she replies.

I laugh at her poor attempt to entice me. Here we go again with the ‘Ivy needs to show her work to the world’ conversations in three, two, one… “I’m serious, Ivy. Stop laughing. You said work hasn’t been great since you basically killed Red. Maybe it’s time for a career change or just a career addition. You are good, better than many artists I see who come through my doors looking for their shot. I just wish one day you’d consider showing the world that side of you is all,” her tongue slick before throwing her hands up, letting me know she’s backing off and letting it go.

“I know, and I hear you. It’s just not something I’m ready to consider at this point, but as always, if I ever do, you will be myfirst call. After all, I only want the best representing me, and you, my friend, are the best in the world. Who knows, one day I may flatter you, my art wall to wall all across your gallery—just not today. On second thought, maybe I’ll inquire that one off fifty-sixth street,” I joke, sure to piss her off at the mere mention of her archnemesis.

“You can fuck right off.”

She does have a point though. I’m not sure the office will survive much longer with Red’s disappearance. Real estate is not a world you can hide from. You have to run full force like a raging bull, and that was her strength in me. I’m more of the ‘hide in the corner, hoping the bull doesn’t see me’ kind. Which reminds me, I have so much I need to get done in the study tonight.

“Hey, let’s get out of here, and go hit a few stores. I have to work tonight, and honestly, I’d like to just forget everything going on for a couple of hours and just hang out with my best friend, please,” I plead with a sad puppy dog look on my face, Iip pouting out and all.

“Yah, Yah, let’s go,” Olive retorts.

“Oh, and I’m bringing this,” I gush as I pick up the bottle of champagne left on the table.

Olive swings out of the chair, grabbing her perfectly posh mint green purse, which matches her tailored suit so well, laughs escaping her. “It’s one of those shopping trips, eh?”

Shopping in Cornish is almost as good as eating at Lotus’s. It’s a quaint town, one of the only towns that reminds me of the South up here. It has a square in the middle with little shops circling it, and they host all their town events there, like the infamous Apple festival. Olive and I go in and out of shops laughing and being who we are, children at heart with no concern for our careers or image, drinking out of a champagne bottle like it’s not illegal and just buying all the things welove but don’t need—jewelry, clothes, homemade soaps, crystals, candles, and tinctures. Most days, I think we pretend to be these self-conscious health concerned women with a splash of witch while we shop in town here. It certainly has all the shops for it, knowing damn well when we get home and unload the bags, most of what we buy will sit and look pretty, reminding us how much we lack in concern for what we put on our bodies and eventually get thrown away, but the memories make it all worth it. It’s not like either of us are hurting financially, so what the hell. Although today has been the mental break that I needed, in the back of my mind, I’ve been thinking about all the things I was hoping girl therapy would distract me from, especially why Olive kept bringing up me needing to reach out to Tayden. Olive, contrary to her alcohol intake today, certainly doesn’t drink often, which honestly was part of my plan. The moment I sensed a secret, I knew to just keep the alcohol flowing, hoping I could get her tipsy enough to ask her before we head home. Speaking of.

“O, I really need to get back home. I don’t want the day to end, but I gotta be responsible Ivy today.” I giggle, motioning my hands like a robot at my distaste for responsibility.

A sigh draws from her drunken lips, sadness on her face looking at all the bags that encase her arms. “I know. It’s not like I got any more room for things on these arms anyways, and Dax has been blowing up my phone wondering when I’m coming home. I swear that man could never survive without me” Laughter bursting from our seams.She is not wrong, that man is needy as fuck.

Heading back to our vehicles to load up, anxiety overtakes me, unsure how to bring Tayden up once we get there. Closing my back hatch, we take a selfie with our empty champagne bottle before discarding it in the bushes. Pulling me in for a hug, Olive begins squeezing me more than normal, words falling from herlips, “I love you, Ivy. I am so proud of who you are, even on the days you are not. Sometimes, I wish you could see how special you are, not tear yourself apart, and accept all the world has molded you into because from where I stand, you’re the most amazing human one could have the honor of loving. You, my friend, are a brilliant woman, and I hope you can learn to love yourself truly the way everyone else loves you one day because you are worthy. Oh my goodness, look at me, a blubbering alcohol mess.”

I lean back against the car, examining her, tears in her eyes forming but not yet falling. I just stare, unsure of what to say because emotional talks seem so fucking weird. I am awkward with them.K thanks, don’t be weird, love you too. No, you can’t fucking say that.The words finally come to me as I wipe a tear from her eye. “Olive, yes, you are emotional when you drink, but let’s be honest. You’re even more emotional when you know something that you aren’t saying because, unlike me, secrets eat at you, and your emotions are worn directly on your sleeve, which is one of the things I love about you the most. Nonetheless, is it the alcohol, or could this be your overwhelmed response to needing to tell me something that I’m assuming is about Tayden?” I blurt, frustration taking over my words.

---