Page 65 of I See Red

“You have no idea. I promise mines longer than yours though. So you first; what’s new?”

Love Runs Cold

I love you Ivy Sage Rutledge.

3+3

I love you, Ivy Sage Rutledge

=6

—Tayden

I’m a fucking wreck. I shouldn’t be the day I’m supposed to be marrying the love of my life, but here I am, in agony, a burning inferno inside me, no joy to be found. Marriage to the world is simple: you find someone, and your worlds collide, eventually deciding to spend forever together, making a promise so easily given because of how your hearts feel. For me, it’s nothing but a calculated decision; it always has been, emotions aside, what is best for all surrounding me, not the little organ beating inside my chest, the one I gave away so long ago that I forgot I had beenmissing it. Men don’t grow up thinking about their wedding day, and I was no different. No, those dreams were made for young girls. Sitting here today in this room surrounded by my groomsmen, I’m well aware that the person I am about to marry is sitting in a room not too far from me, playing through all her childhood dreams of this day and those thoughts matching with exactly what she wanted her entire life as she takes in each moment and checks each box off her list. I am not. I can’t get Ivy out of my head. I fucking miss her, but this is a means to an end. I pondered many times how she would take the news once she learned of my upcoming nuptials. I was certain I’d get some sort of response from her, but nothing ever came. I am surprised by that; maybe she really meant what she said the last time we spoke.We are done.There’s so much I have left to say, so much I still want to know about her and share of myself with her. Did she ever think of her wedding day? Sure, her life was very unconventional, but surely, she thought about it and had dreams of what that would look like. As a child I never did, but over the years I’ve dreamt of her before me in her white gown endless nights and she’s breathtaking—perfect. Shaking my head, I attempt to remove the thoughts, knowing damn well if she did, it was probably me at the end of her aisle, as she was for me; and here I am about to commit to someone else breaking her heart all over again. Someone had to break the cycle. Glancing around the room, I look at the men in my life cheersing Dos Equis, casually bantering back and forth. I think back to the only memory I have close to this day, my twelfth birthday when I gave Ivy that smiley face ring. The way her face lit up, and I was so nervous, to wake up the next day to never see or hear from her again for years, followed by all the moments after with her from the moment she found me on Facebook to a few months ago. A lifetime together yet so far apart. Our talks over the years, the way she understands me and lights up my soul when I see hername appear on my phone, the way her body feels in my brisk hands, and her smile, fuck, that gorgeous smile that claims every part of me as hers.

“Almost time, my guy!” Maikel, my best man, exclaims, slapping my back like it’s guy’s night, and we are ten drinks in, which he for certain is.

Trying to hide my apprehension and closet my fears from the people consuming my dressing room, I turn to him, masking with a half grin, raising my hand up. “Hell yeah, my guy, I snagged a good one,” I engage, wanting to vomit at the words that just left my mouth.A good one?Is that what one thinks of the woman they are professing their love to, a promise of eternity together in front of family and God?

“A good one? Bro, you snagged the entire taco truck, enchiladas, sides, and all. You have the empire, the woman, the kid, and the money;you have it all.”

I drop my head down toward the floor, shaking it left to right in embarrassment at how vile Maikel sounds comparing a woman to food. I release a laugh, hopeful not to alert irritation; after all, to them, I am one of the boys, but fuck, it gets irritating never being surrounded by men as deep as I am. Always shallow and on the surface, but what do I expect? I never converse with anyone below the surface either, except the one person not here today. Her—my smiley Ivy. I look around, taking a deep breath, assessing the room, as I scan it with my eyes. I stop when I have a clear shot of my father standing over in the corner, throwing back another Dos Equis, chatting with Uncle Carlos. He looks at me, shooting me a proud father stare, raising his bottle to me. I raise mine back, slightly tilting it forward, keeping my words to myself, pursing my lips in false affirmation. He’s lucky to even be here. If it wasn’t for keeping up public appearances, he wouldn’t be after all he’s done. Memories of my parents’ divorce start consuming my thoughts, and I can feel the cold sweat beadingon my forehead, followed by the clamming in my hands. I can’t help but wonder if I’m sealing my fate the same as theirs by getting married today, pushing myself into their tragic ending by doing what is right and not what my heart desires. They wouldn’t care either way. My parents aren’t awful, but they have certainly taught me that love is an illusion. I swallow, trying to release the lump from inside my throat, failing to dislodge it, and all I want is to rip this fucking bow tie from my neck, thoughts of Ivy invading my mind fiercely and uncontrollably. Reaching one hand down, I wipe it against my black pants, switching my beer to my other, I do the same. Anxiety starts settling in as my mind races from my parents’ divorce, to the meaning we are gathered for here today, to her. Fuck, little flame. I’m so sorry.

I am marrying Anastasia.Fuck,I am getting married.

The severity of it all hits me, and I just need a moment to myself. I need to get the hell out of this room and find some fresh air before I fucking run.Run, Tayden.Her voice is crystal clear for me to go now. That’s exactly what I start doing. Racing through the halls, my breaths closing in time as I push through the crowds of staff arranging flowers and setting tables, working to make my day,herday perfect. My heart starts beating faster as my desire to reach out to her slams into me like a truck on the freeway. Every part of me needs to call Ivy. I know she’s not the happiest with me, nor am I with her, but regardless, she should be here. God, I sound selfish as fuck, wishing my childhood love would be in attendance at my wedding to another woman. Wishing the woman I have been cheating on Anastasia with throughout the years emotionally, and sexually as of late, would console me in my apprehensions? I know it’s wrong. I know I shouldn’t have allowed it to get this far. I know it’s not fair to my future wife, but I can’t help but wish Ivy was here. Wish it was her trailing down that aisle in her beautiful white dress.Although, knowing her, it would probably be red. The thought warms a smile on my face.

She has been my best friend, my lover, and my partner in life for as long as I can remember. I had no life before Ivy. She is irreplaceable.Fuck Tayden, Anastasia is who you should be thinking of, not Ivy.

Finally, I reach an exit door. My hands slamming them apart, the force causing me to lose my balance as I fall to my knees, hunching down, feeling the cold wrap around my body, watching my breaths become visible in the air. My chest caving in and out as I try to steady my breaths. I am certain this is what a panic attack looks like. I have never had one before, but I am not surprised today would be my first. I should have called her. I should have explained to her, although we spent years explaining to each other why we can’t be together. So, what would it really do at this point? I think the reason she and I have never gotten over us is because our explanations make no sense. Our reasoning is a protection and not an actual justification. There is every reason for us to be together and no reason we shouldn’t.

We have never been free from our absolution because we have spent years stuck in that stupid pact of never trying, letting guilt overtake us, and allowing fear to prevent us from taking the leap. Fear that if we were to actually build a life together, it would not be like it is in our minds, in our dreams, or close to anything we have when we meet up every so often. This is our unspoken bond, this is our legacy, and after today, it is eternally our story, quite possibly our ending. I am a lot of things; a man with sexual desires for women other than Anastasia, a coward for never demanding from Ivy what we have always wanted, and a scared boy afraid to disappoint his parents by choosing her instead of their silent disapproval. It has been no secret my parents never approved of her back then, but we were kids.They never knew her, just what her father shoved down their throats. Am I scared of them, or am I scared of truly being happy? Scared of being with someone who feeds every part of me and has the ability to take away all that is broken within me, a woman with whom I have no control around and who peels at my vulnerability with every breath she takes.Finally finding the strength, I lift myself up, brushing the whitest of snow off my trousers, pulling down on both lapels, straightening out my tux. Looking up to the sky, releasing a long and steady breath, I fold my hands into my pockets.

Focus Tayden.My hand brushes over my eyes, wiping away tears I didn’t even know had escaped. I catch a glimpse of something red from the corner of my eye, and my gaze immediately shoots to it, like all I was feeling she was too, and she came to stop me from making the biggest mistake of my life. Hope intrudes me as I glance over, only to realize it is just another largely, oversized arrangement of red roses being wheeled towards the altar.

Of course, of all the colors in the world, Anastasia had to choose red. I understand the dynamic as it shines off that white snow so fiercely, but red? I’m trapped in my head, and now I am surrounded by her everywhere I turn. The day I will forever break her heart, the day we both agreed we would never have unless it was to each other is painted in her favorite shade. Marriage was our only limit. And I stand here about to break it, break her, and possibly us forever.

All the guests have found their seats. The snow is starting to pick up, little kisses falling from the sky, at least that’s what she’d say if she was here. I knew snow was a possibility today, but watching it fall is breathtaking. All the bridesmaids and groomsmen have made their way down the aisle taking their places, and I stand here physically prepared to get married, but emotionally, my thoughts are far from where I stand. I focus on the beauty created for Anastasia and I today. The mountain view behind us, with the slopes visible to the human eye. I can see the trails so perfectly carved out from the trees. The oversized arch filled with hundreds of red roses I stand under now glistens with the light snow coming down over them. One hand folded in the other, looking down, I try to remain still in the moment, awaiting my bride to walk down with her mother and father. Seeing her will wipe all my doubt away—I hope. The music starts to play. Taking in a deep breath, I glance out at the walkway, looking at the small spruce trees lining the path for her, decorated with perfectly placed roses, adding to the thousands of others surrounding us, as she turns the corner.

“My god, is she stunning,”I mutter under my breath, a smile appearing on my face as I look down at her and all she is. All the reasons I chose her replacing the ones of Ivy: her grace, certainty, wit, sense of humor, and her kindness, before all the things she is not start flooding my mind—who she is not.

“Wow, bro.” Maikel nudges me, his shoulder colliding with mine, knocking me out of my trance, pulling me back into this moment between her and me and all that have come to share it with us.

“Who gives away this woman?” the preacher questions.

“We do,” Mr. and Mrs. Costilla reply before taking her hand and placing it in mine.

“You look stunning,” I whisper to her before squeezing her hands in endearment and approval.

“Gracias, Mi Amor,” Anastasia replies, her shoulders shooting to the sky as she grips my hands a little tighter, her red lipstick curving up her face as she releases a smile followed by a squeal of excitement. She is beaming from ear to ear.

“We are gathered here today to celebrate the love between Tayden and Anastasia. Marriage is a sacred bond between two people, forged in the fires of understanding, respect, sacrifice, eternal love, and loyalty,” the preacher continues.

I start looking around the moment loyalty leaves his lips, glaring out into the sea of guests staring at me like they know, and I feel bare, seen. The words take me back as I search for my guilty pleasure amongst them all, Ivy.

She’s not out there, Tayden. She’s not coming to comfort you in your decision. She’s not coming to object and confess her desires.

“Marriage is the dependence on one another to navigate life and all you hold dear within it forever. Although the road may not always be clear, your promise to each other is that clarity within the stormiest of days. Before we begin, does anyone have a reason as to why these two should not be wed?” The preacher pauses. Looking up, I glance around, wiping the beads of sweat from my forehead at the thought of her barging down the aisle in protest. I wouldn’t ever want Ivy to stop my wedding, nor would I expect her to, but a small part of me wishes she would. The other part knows I’m doing what’s best for me, for my future, for normalcy. Anastasia will make a great mother. She has already proven that in her role as a stepmother figure to Laila. Although it may not be wave-crashing, fire-igniting love, it is consistent, dependable, and still more than most have in their lifetime. I am a lucky man. This I know to be true. Yet I can’t help but feel so fucking unlucky.

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