Page 151 of Double Fault

“No,” she blurts out quickly. “Something will work out. It has to.”

I shake my head.

“Noah,” she pleads. “You’re leaving for the Olympics. You need me.”

I cup her face. “I’m always going to need you, Curls. But I…” I clear my throat, searching for the words to make her understand. “I’m following my dream right now. Annie… I’m only now realizing all she gave up for me, for my career. I don’t want you to do the same thing, okay? I… I’ve been seeing a therapist, and she’s helped me see so much. Including how unintentionally selfish I’ve been for most of my life. I love you too much to force you to follow me while I live out my dreams. I don’t want to hold you back.”

“You love me?” Tears pool in her brown eyes.

“Yeah, pretty girl.” I stroke her cheek with my thumb. “I love you.”

Her bottom lip trembles. “I love you too. I want to stay.”

I wet my lips and exhale a shaky breath. God, this is fucking hard. “Do you want to stay because your dream has changed, or because you love Maddie and me? Baby,” I add softly, wiping at a single tear that crests her lashes and rolls down her cheek. “Loving me, loving her, it doesn’t come with conditions. You can still love us and not give up that part of yourself.”

The way her lips thin tells me all I need to know.

“You have to take the job.”

She lowers her head, but I don’t remove my hands from her face. I want to hold her as long as possible.

“I haven’t heard back from her, and the email sat in my inbox for a few days before I saw it. She might’ve found someone else already.”

“All right.” I clear my throat. “If that’s the case, and you want to, then stay. But if the position is still available, I want you to take it. I don’t want you to ever feel guilty for pursuing your passions.”

Another tear cascades down her cheek. I wipe it away quickly.

“What does this mean for us?”

“I don’t know,” I answer honestly. “I basically live on the road. I’m not back home often. It’s… if you’re teaching, we wouldn’t see each other often.”

“So, what?” She sniffles. “We break up? I know we haven’t talked about where this might lead, but it feels big. It feels real.”

“It is real, sweetheart.” I rub my thumb over her trembling bottom lip. Fuck, I hate this. I want to be selfish. I want to tell her to forget the job and stay with me, but I can’t. I’ve been a selfish asshole for far too long and I can’t in good consciouscontinue. I can’t take away her dreams her. “I don’t know what the right answer is here. I don’t want to break up, but this staying together won’t be easy, so”—my throat tightens, making it hard to get these next words out—“maybe a clean break is better.”

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

It’s the last thing I want.

I’d give anything to take it all back and forget I ever gave voice to that option in the first place.

Pulling away, she covers her face with her hands and lets out a muffled “fuck.” Shoulders rising and falling with labored breaths, she asks, “Why are you doing this?”

The sheets rustle as I get closer and gently pry her hands from her face so she’s forced to see my face, to see just how painful this is for me. Just how badly I’msuffering.

“Because, if you stay with me, I worry that in five, ten, twenty years, you’ll look back and wonderwhat if.”

She sniffles. “I hate you.”

I brush her tears away. “No, you don’t.”

“Ugh.” She drops her head back. “No, I don’t.”

“If you didn’t want the job, you would’ve deleted the email. You wouldn’t have responded. But you’re interested, and you need to see where this opportunity leads.”

“Can you stop making sense?” she groans. “I like it better when you’re wrong.” With a hiccup, she wipes at her face. “Maddie’s going to hate me if I leave.”

“No, she won’t, and youareleaving.”

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