Page 30 of White Room Virgin

“Jonah!” Martin exclaimed happily. “Your birthday is coming up next week on Saturday. We’ll celebrate it!”

“Oh … I actually wanted to …”

“Nothing there!” he interrupted me. “You’ll be twenty-one! You can’t mope about it!”

I hesitated, placing my backpack on the table and casting a cautious glance at Lucien. He looked different somehow. His wheat-colored hair was shiny. He was freshly shaven and well-rested. His green eyes sparkled mischievously.

God!He was even more beautiful than I remembered.That damn angel.

When he peered up at me and blew out smoke, all my blood sank into my legs, my heart slipped into my pants, and my alarm bells went off. Had he told Martin something? Lu acted as if nothing had happened the night before. As if I had never even been in the studio. He didn’t ignore me completely, but he extinguished the cigarette with a bit too much indifference for my liking. He then put the magazines in a pile and stood up. As he walked around the table, I saw something flicker in his eyes that aggravated me—apart from anything else that completely confused me. There was this brief moment when Lucien locked eyes with me, a hint of divine spark in his gaze, as if he were genuinely pleased to see me. A smile even crossed his closed lips. But the moment didn’t last a second and was nothing more than a muscle twitch. He avoided any further eye contact and disappeared into his room. I sat down at the table and was even more confused than before.

“Let’s go to the thrift shop on Friday afternoon,” Martin said and sat down at the table with a glass of water.

The thrift shop again?

But before I could roll my eyes, Martin raised his hands in a placating gesture. “I just want to have a look around. We could also use some new glasses, and maybe you can find some too.”

“I have a lecture until three o’clock.”

“Then we’ll go afterward. It’s not far from here.”

“All right, it won’t hurt to have a look around.”

***

Everyday life returned incredibly quickly, and we had dinner together again the very next day. Martin didn’t seem to notice what had happened between Lucien and me, or maybe he was just a master of deception. And Lucien acted as distant toward me as he had when I first moved in, even if his looks made me understand that he was actually just trying to do me a favor. It was as if we were pretending a normality to Martin that didn’t exist. And since I never found Lucien alone, which was what he probably intended, I had no opportunity to confront him.

I thought about the situation, examined it from all angles, and tried to figure out how best to proceed. Every encounter with Lucien seemed to awaken something unknown in me. I even actively avoided eye contact with him during dinner together. I had never felt so ashamed before. Even if the opportunity had arisen to confront Lucien, I likely wouldn’t have done so anyway. I was enjoying the peace too much to want to destroy it.

Before I knew it, it was already Friday, and I met Martin at the thrift shop. Of course, he was hoping that I would finally find some furniture for my room, but I aimlessly roamed through the aisles, feigning interest in finding a table. In a raffia basket, I stumbled upon a few wall crosses, and I leaned over to inspect one.

Hang Jesus on the wall for all I care.

I hesitated. At my parents’ house, Jesus hung in every room watching you. I wanted to avoid that here, so I put the cross back.

“Did you find anything?” Martin asked as I stepped next to him at the checkout.

The cashier was wrapping a framed picture of Miles Davis in newspaper. As she turned to the three glasses he had bought, I stepped closer to Martin. “Is Lu gay?” I asked quietly, surprised at how easily the question came to my lips.

Martin grinned and took out his money.

What’s there to laugh about?

“I don’t think it matters to him.”

“What do you mean?”

Martin put the money on the table and regarded me suspiciously. “What do you care about Lu’s sex life? What makes you think that all of a sudden?”

“What do you mean it doesn’t matter?” I asked.

“Well … God doesn’t make a difference either. He loves everyone equally.”

“That’s not the same thing,” I said indignantly.

Martin laughed, took the bag with the glasses and his picture, and left.

It didn’t really matter to me whether Lucien liked men, women, or both. I couldn’t explain to myself why I had asked Martin. Lu had kissed me, so it was evident that he liked men. Maybe I just didn’t want to admit it. But what would it have changed if Martin had assured me that Lu only liked women? Could I have dismissed it as an oversight? Two terrible blunders. Slips that ignited a desire I had never experienced before in my life.

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