Page 31 of White Room Virgin

This can’t go on. Time to look for women. A girlfriend will do me good.

In the end, I was glad that Martin dropped the conversation. We went home and prepared dinner.

“I’ve been thinking about going to work,” I said as I sliced the zucchini.

“As long as your parents are paying, you don’t really need a job.”

“Not a job,” I replied eagerly. “Something charitable. At church or something. And maybe I’ll meet some new people there.”

Women.

“At the hospital, they’re always looking for students to do sitting service. That way you can earn some extra money and do something charitable.”

“Hm …” I mumbled, unconvinced. “Yeah, maybe.”

The front door suddenly slammed shut.

“Fucking door …” Lucien muttered and staggered past the kitchen, completely drunk.

“Lu!” Martin shouted. “Are you eating with us?”

“No,” he answered dejectedly and let the door close behind him.

“What’s wrong with him?” I asked. “One day he’s fine and the next he’s completely off track again.”

“That’s just how he is—a bit moody.” The smile had disappeared from Martin’s face, and he was staring at the knife in his hand.

I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was very wrong here.

“Don’t worry about it,” Martin replied to my unspoken question. “It’s nothing to do with you.”

How would you know that?

I stared worriedly at Lucien’s door.

My goodness! Why did I even care about him? And why did it bother me that I worry about him? He’s rarely home. In fact, I don’t even know him. It’s probably all just a misunderstanding.

15

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Lucien

Aside from the night with Steven, where we got completely wasted, I managed to get through the next few days without any major incidents. I felt a bit bad about giving Jonah and Martin the cold shoulder on Friday, but it had been to everyone’s benefit that I hadn’t sat down with them. Who knows what would have slipped out when I was drunk. I had also resolved not to push Jonah any further.

I couldn’t get the way he looked at me when we had dinner together last Thursday. On one hand, there was almost a sense of panic, as if he feared I might reveal our secret to someone. Yet, there was also a glimmer in his eyes, as if he silently pleaded for my attention. And when he lowered his head, there had been disappointment, probably because I had ignored him.

It wasn’t as if that had been easy for me. Jonah exerted an attraction on me that I found hard to resist. His eyes attracted me like magnets, and as distant as he was, his whole body radiated a warmth that I couldn’t resist. I longed to talk to him, even if it meant talking all night long. It deeply bothered me that we barely had a meaningful conversation yet. But even if we had managed to pull ourselves together after the disaster I had caused, and even if Jonah had been gay—which I didn’t doubt—he wouldn’t have allowed it. His faith was the only thing standing in his way. But I was definitely not in a position to tell him that.

Before I drove myself crazy with the confusion of thoughts, I made an effort to refocus on my studies. The preparations for the exhibition had taken up more time than I had expected, so I had to postpone some of my work.

Fortunately, I had understanding lecturers who allowed me to submit assignments later. And because I didn’t want to get lost in the studio again, I worked at home in my room and enjoyed the peace and quiet of having the apartment to myself.

So a quiet week passed, and I was able to concentrate on what was important again. It wasn’t as if my thoughts weren’t revolving around Jonah or Phil, but working on sketches and charcoal drawings was enough to keep me on track.

On Friday morning, I moved my workstation to the kitchen for a cup of coffee, where I was still sitting. Just before twelve o’clock, I heard someone arriving home, although neither of my two roommates was expected to be back at this hour. The door closed, and shortly afterward, Jonah appeared in the kitchen.

We stared at each other motionlessly for a moment. He was probably just as surprised to see me as I was to see him.

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