Page 68 of White Room Virgin

“You have to understand,” I replied hesitantly. “Before I met you, I believed in abstaining until marriage.”

“You’re sweet.”

“Well, it … it’s not that I … feel guilty about it somehow,” I stammered, looking at the teabag in my cup. “I wanted to, although unfortunately …” I couldn’t think of anything else to say, so I squeezed the teabag on the spoon. I could feel my hands shaking slightly. The conversation was making me nervous.

“Cut to the chase,” she demanded with an endearing tone.

“Well … I mean …” I took a sip of tea, scorching my tongue, but was happy about the delay it caused. Nonetheless, I bravely drank half the cup. “To be honest … I thought that maybe you could have been my girlfriend.”

“But?” Daniela frowned and shot me with a piercing look.

“Well, you don’t seem to care who you get into bed with.”

“Excuse me?”

“No need to get worked up about it.”

“You just indirectly called me a whore!”

“What? No!”

Daniela leaned back and took a deep breath. Her eyes fell on the empty coffee cup. She took a sip of water, which had been served in a small glass. I was surprised at how quickly she calmed down again. At that moment she didn't really seem to care what I said—or didn't say.

“I really feel sorry for you, Jonah.”

Frustrated, I paused and glanced at her over my cup, because I was convinced that should have been my sentence. If anyone deserved pity, it was probably her. Because she was obviously the one who had lost her way.

“I’ll overlook the insult and tell you something.”

“What insult?”

“Shut up!” she hissed, slamming her hand flat on the table, causing the crockery to rattle and drawing the attention of the other guests. “I know people like you who are trapped in a system that thinks for them and tells them what’s good and what’s bad, right and wrong. People who don’t even realize how reality works. But there are also those who manage to free themselves from these shackles. As long as you don’t free yourself, Jonah, you don’t have the right to judge others.”

I looked at her in bewilderment. “But that’s not what I said …”

“I think there’s something wrong with you,” she said, shaking her head. “I mean, sure, maybe it was the alcohol. But maybe you just can't get it up with women—you’ll be looking for the right one for a long time.”

Her words were like a slap in the face. Heat rose in my head, sending a chill down my spine.

Is she implying …? I’m not gay!

I stood up abruptly.

“What’s wrong?” she asked almost indifferently. “Have I hit the nail on the head?”

“No!” I snapped at her. “What does one thing have to do with the other?” Just because I couldn’t get it up with Daniela didn’t mean that I liked men. I didn’t!

“Is that a rhetorical question? When you sit down again, we can talk about it.”

I stared at her indignantly. I didn’t want to talk! There was nothing more for me to say! With a contemptuous snort, I grabbed my jacket and angrily left the café. Outside, an icy wind blew against me, yet the conversation had ignited such a fervor within me that the cold became inconsequential. I walked aimlessly through the city, trying to pinpoint the moment when I had made my first mistake. If I had confessed after Lucien's first kiss, I might have avoided this mess altogether. No, wait! What am I saying? I should have backed off to prevent the kiss from happening in the first place. Or even better, I shouldn't have helped Lucien at all when he came home that night completely drunk and scalded his hand with boiling water. How foolish of me to accompany him to a bar on a Sunday! And as regretful as I was about my behavior, the true gravity of the situation was only beginning to sink in.

How stupid am I really?

It had been me who had walked around the apartment without a shirt on, showing him my naked upper body! And it had been me who had sneaked into Lucien’s room to find comfort there.

No! No! No! It’s his fault! Like a virus, he has taken over every cell in my body and confused me so much that I am no longer able to think clearly. He has ruined my life! I will never be able to love a woman without thinking about him!

I had fought so hard to be allowed to study in Zurich. And for what? Only to find myself in a dark hole and realize nothing about me was natural? Even every microorganism was superior to me. They knew what needed to be done—it came naturally to them. Meanwhile, I felt disoriented, unsure of even my bearings, spinning aimlessly in circles, utterly lost.

---