Page 69 of White Room Virgin

No, it wasn’t my fault. It was Lucien’s fault! He had poisoned me and made me ill. Maybe I should have just apologized to him for a little mercy, but it wasn’t that simple. After all, he was the one who had avoided me in the six weeks before Christmas.

Well, I couldn’t blame him when I had offended and disappointed him, but why should I apologize to him at all when it was God alone who could redeem me from my guilt?

I was utterly bewildered. As the snow fell and icy flakes drifted down onto the street, I felt a chill settle over me. I pulled my hood down over my face and continued walking until the midnight bells began to ring. Finally, I stopped and glanced around, trying to orient myself.

Damn it … this can’t be happening.

I happened to be standing in front of the factory building where Lucien’s studio was located.

32

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Jonah

I didn’t plan on coming here, but now that I was here, I couldn’t and didn’t want to carry my anger around any longer. I’m sure Martin had told him when I was coming home after the vacation, so it was unlikely I’d find Lucien there. The only place he could hide away was his studio.

Despite my conviction that I was doing the right thing, I hesitantly descended the stairs to the studio. It was quiet. No music to guide me, just a single flickering neon light in the dark corridor. I stood in front of the door, pushing aside all my doubts and insecurities and remembering why I had entered the building in the first place. I had to make it clear to Lucien once and for all that he had to leave me alone from now on. Without knocking, I opened the door and walked in forcefully.

Several lights were on in the studio. Several lamps were scattered around the room like little torches. Three paintings rested on easels that appeared finished to me, and a large canvas lay on the floor, brightly lit by a studio lamp. Lucien was sitting next to it, concentrating on a detail. He had his headphones on and obviously hadn’t even noticed that I had come in. It was only when my shadow fell on the canvas that he stopped and looked up at me.

Overwhelmed by the sight of him, all my good intentions faltered. If I had just been so driven by anger at him, I was now completely silent. He seemed so … changed. No more dark circles under his eyes. No longer haggard. No longer pale either. His hair was tousled, but his gaze was clear. He was freshly shaved. Clean. Healthy. And … beautiful.

I hadn’t been prepared for that. My eyes went to the bucket next to the sink. It was empty.

Oh God! Why did I even come here?

Lucien blinked and seemed to gradually emerge from his fantasy world. When he realized who was actually standing in front of him, his expression stiffened. “Go away,” he said with a warning undertone.

I stretched my jaw and remembered why I was here. “No!” I replied sternly and straightened my shoulders. “You don’t have the right to behave like that!”

Lucien furrowed his brows and pulled the plugs out of his ears. “What are you talking about?” He put the brush down and rose to his feet. The way he pushed his hair back made me weak.

Get a grip and don’t let his innocent-looking appearance confuse you now!

“You’ve ruined my life!” I snapped at him.

“Excuse me?” he asked with a hint of indignation, stepping away from the picture. “I gave you one! Can’t you see that?”

“It feels like shit! That’s the only thing I can see!”

“Who told you it was painless? Your god?”

“Don’t you dare!” I shouted angrily. “You have no idea!”

“Ha! But you do? You’re a hypocrite, Jonah, and you don’t even realize it. Denying yourself and blaming me and everyone else for it!”

“That's not true at all! It was you who turned me on! You always just do what you want, regardless of the consequences!”

“Unlike you, I also pay the price! I …” Startled by his own words, Lucien gasped and slapped his hand over his mouth, then turned away from me and wiped his face.

My mood also changed from one second to the next, and I started shaking. Yes, he paid the price. He had no other choice. Being rejected by his father, and not even because of his sexual orientation, but just because he had dropped out of medical school, had been a damn high price to pay—apart from the fact that he had also lost the love of his life. It was Martin who hadstayed by his side for two years—not his family. And certainly not God. I hung my head sadly.

No, I couldn't comprehend the pain he had to endure at all. But I was sure that he had wished for the same thing back then as I did at that moment. “I just want to feel good again.” The pleading in my voice disgusted me, but it was true. Feeling good again was all I wanted.

Lucien was still standing with his back to me, so I approached him. He didn’t look up. Even worse. He turned his head away and clenched his hands into fists. And all at once, I realized what it all meant: Lucien was the only one who had the ability to make me feel better.

He was the one who loosened my chains and showed me that I was actually free. Every fiber of my body was longing to finally let go and let him take control.

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