Page 18 of Most Likely to Fear Love

“Tell me more. What did he say, or do?”

“Not even much, really.” If you discount the intense look on his face, and the way I shivered when he brushed my hair from my face. “Nothing seems to faze him. He’s just so laid back. He came by the other day to, you know…”

“Drop off his baby batter.”

I really did need to get over that awkwardness whenever I tried to talk about exactly what Harle was doing for me. “Yeah. When he came by to drop off his baby batter, I was half an hour late.”

“I bet the sky fell in.”

“I felt like it was going to. You know how I get.”

“I sure do. But Harle was all,” she dropped her voice to a deep, gruff tone, “Don’t you worry about it, darlin’. I’ve got all day because I’m a hot Viking who only exists to be worshipped.”

I burst out laughing. “Not quite like that, but close, yeah. Then we were having coffee and I was still uptight about it. And he was just like, hey, sometimes shit happens. Don’t sweat it. I mean, I know it sounds super obvious, and I’m not suggesting that I’m a changed person just from one conversation. But I might be a mom soon and I don’t want to be a control freak about it. So starting now, I’m just trying to take things a bit easier.”

“I love this for you.”

“Thanks, Han.”

Her voice was so low I almost didn’t catch her words, but what she said next had my heart aching. “How much of this type A personality do you think comes from our childhood?”

Oh, fuck. There goes our good mood.I gripped the steering wheel tighter, Hannah’s question hanging in the air between us.

“All of it, I’m guessing,” I finally admitted. “The way we never knew what mood Dad was going to be in. We had to always be so vigilant, didn’t we?” Flicking a quick look in her direction, I saw Hannah nod, her eyes fixed on the road ahead.

“Yeah, we did. It was like walking on eggshells all the time.”

I felt a lump form in my throat. “Remember how we’d listen for his footsteps? Trying to gauge his mood before he even entered the room?”

“God, yes,” Hannah sighed. “I used to hold my breath sometimes, trying to make myself as small as possible, hoping he wouldn’t notice me.”

The memories flooded back, unbidden. The tension that filled our house, the way Mom would flit around, trying to keep everything perfect. The constant fear of setting Dad off.

“It makes sense that that’s where my need for control comes from. If everything was in its place, if I was perfect, then maybe...”

“Maybe he wouldn’t get angry,” Hannah finished for me. “Maybe we wouldn’t get beaten.”

“Yeah.”

We fell silent again, the weight of our shared past settling between us. New Bern loomed ahead, its bright lights mocking the heaviness I felt inside.

HARLE

Ilounged on my deck, the warm glow of the setting sun painting the sky in shades of orange, pink and mauve, perfectly mirrored in the surface of the lake.

The animals were all bedded down for the night, with my two Irish wolfhounds, Max and Buddy, settled at my feet.

Stretching my legs out in front of me, I took a swig of beer, letting the peace of the day wash over me. Of course, as they so often did lately, my thoughts wandered to Cassidy. It had been a few weeks since we last spoke but I had to admit, the woman was well and truly under my skin. I’d thought about texting, just to see how she was doing, but didn’t want to crowd her. Our situation was weird enough as it was.

My phone buzzed, breaking into my train of thought and the tranquil silence. I reached for it, expecting a message from my sister or maybe a work update. Instead, Cassidy’s name flashed across the screen.

Cassidy:No dice this month, either.

My heart sank, a heavy weight settling in my chest. I’d been so hopeful for her. I could just imagine the look on her face as she typed out those five simple words. Could imagine her disappointment. Letting out a long exhale, I replied,

Me:Darlin’, my heart really hurts for you right now.

Cassidy:Thank you. That really means a lot to me.

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