Page 19 of Rox

“I need to go. There’s something I need to do.” I don’t want to hide from her, but I need to leave here without making her think she’s the problem.

I’m the problem.

I’m the reason I need to get out of here before I lose complete control. I’m so close to breaking and losing my final piece of control. Opening up is demolishing the levees I had in place to stop the water. I take a deep breath, I sit beside her on the bed and take her hand in mine. “I need a minute. Can I have that?”

Her smile is soft and understanding. It twists the knife a little more in my anxiety. She simply nods yes, leaning in to press her lips to my cheek. She releases my hands as I spring away as fast as I can, making my way out of the house.

I hop on my bike, forgetting my helmet, and ride. I need to clear my head and see what’s happening with my reaction.

More guilt than I’ve ever felt before consumes me in ways I’m not used to. Not only do I feel like a massive piece of shit for leaving Rox without any form of explanation, I feel guilty for things I haven’t thought about in years. My mother. The woman who gave me the life I hadn’t thought about until Rox asked for the truth. I asked Rox to keep this to her chest. To not say a word, only for me to walk out without giving her the words as to why.

Why can’t I do anything right? Why am I freaking out after finally letting someone in? Who the fuck am I kidding? I know why I am. I let her in. That’s something I said I would never do. And if I’m honest with myself, I was never going to tell her the truth. I only did it because she asked. When I didn’t even blink before telling her my real name, I knew at that moment I woulddo anything and everything she asked. But that’s the part she doesn’t know; she has to ask.

I’ve never been one to give information freely, and I don’t see that changing.

It’s not because I can’t trust her. I know I can. She won’t tell a soul, not even her parents. She grew up in the club life. She knows we keep a lot of secrets from those who don’t wear the colors. Plausible deniability in the hopes they’re free from consequence. Yet here I was, telling her things my own Prez doesn’t even know. I’m bringing this beautiful woman into a world that can bring her down. She knows more than I should have told her. But once I started, I couldn’t stop. It felt so good to get it all off my chest, but terrifying to the point I lost control of myself and forced myself to leave.

There must be more to it than coming clean to Rox and her accepting it.

It’s because your life has been challenging, and her accepting this part of you seems too easy.I thought to myself. That can’t be all of it, can it?

My ride takes me to the ocean. I laugh. How fitting when I compared myself to drowning in the ocean water that flooded my body feeling. Maybe the water will calm my racing mind.

“Maxwell means great spring. Your mom named you after water!” Steven’s taunts start coming up in my head.

I thought I was bringing up memories of my mother alive to talk to Rox about. But everything I buried was here.

Memories of my life with the men that killed her. Memories of how they treated me. If there was a male version of Cinderella, that was me.

My mom thought she hit the jackpot with my stepfather. He was a well-to-do man and had the means to care for us. He promised my mom she wouldn’t have to do it alone anymore. He understood what it was like to be a working parent with kids athome—running wild with little in the way of rules and stability. He fed her every line that he thought would work on her, and they did. They fucking did.

Mom had been doing it alone with me for so long. I wasn’t old enough to run the roads like he said, but it was a fear of my mothers that I would fall in with the wrong crowd, and she couldn’t save me. She thought she was skipping that step and that worry. Little did she know, she was bringing the monsters and the problems; she was trying to save me from the house. Into the place meant to be a refuge from the world’s dangers.

Once he and his spawn were settled, their true colors shined. We left our tiny, one-bedroom apartment for the spacious house. There were enough rooms for everyone, plus a few guests. I thought I would finally have my own space to be a kid and get toys that didn’t break right after I got them. I’d finally have clothes that fit, and I didn’t have to make them work longer than needed. I was promised that we would be okay.

I slow my bike to park. Once I’m off, I slowly make my way to the pier. I breathe in the salt air, letting it burn my lungs. I don’t even feel it on my skin. I should. I left Rox’s house with only my pants and boots on. My shirt and cut are nowhere to be found.

It doesn’t even phase me how stupid and dangerous it was. It was something I could control. I controlled what I left the house in. I controlled the bike and made sure I got to where I needed it in one piece.

At those thoughts, the anxiety calms. Control issues much? I think to myself. Nah. More like massive trust issues masquerading as control issues.

I trusted people before. I trust people now, but I also keep them at arm’s length. No one knows me or what makes me tick. They know I will have their back. They know the identity I have carefully crafted. They know lies.

The only one who doesn’t is the only one who matters. Rox. She’s the only one in my current life who wants to know me. The real me. The me I ran away from all those years ago.

Do I even know how to be Max anymore? That broken boy who wanted to save his mom from the monster she let into their lives. I close my eyes, trying to pull every happy memory out, to remember how to be that happy-go-lucky boy I know I was at one time. I shouldn’t have been forced to grow up as fast as I did. I shouldn’t have had to try and save my mom from the position she put us in.

I went from being sad to being angry at my mom. She could have packed me up and left him. She didn’t need to stay with him! I was old enough to get a job and help her pay for things. Hell, I would have left school earlier than I did and worked for a living. I wanted to take care of her. Just like I want to take care of Rox.

She can hold her own, I know that, but I want to care for her. I want to be the one she relies on for everything, to support her as she chases her dreams.

You tried that. You were your mother’s support. You wanted to care for her and take her away from all this. Look how well that turned out.The evil, nagging voice appears again, trying to ruin the happiness I want to bring into my life.

Am I even worth the love and understanding Rox has shown me in such a short time?

As if the universe was answering my question, I feel my phone vibrate in my pants. Pulling it out, I realize I have been gone for hours. Both Rox and Prez have been trying to get a hold of me.

I don’t bother with Prez right now. I’ll drive to see him. I know Rox is worried about how I left. And I know I need to talk to her and explain how torn I really am. Even if I don’t fully understand why I freaked out the way I did.

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