Page 62 of The Barren Luna

Patient no. 49675: “My mother wasn’t always there for me growing up, and she delegated much of the mothering to Dorothy. She's the reason why Dorothy was in my life. She is the reason why Dorothy was valuable enough to me to be used as a bargaining chip against me. Oh God, I’m going to be sick.”

Dr. Jackson: “I’m proud of you for putting those feelings into words. I believe now you're able to see how your process of grieving Dorothy is wrapped up in abandonment and resentment issues with your own mother. Similarly, grieving your former mate is also complicated by the fact that you were the one who ended his life, and how horrible he had been to you towards the end. In order to grieve both those wolves and thrive despite the loss, we must untangle all of these threads.”

Patient no. 49675: “I understand the need to work through my guilt about killing Henry, but please remind me again why I need to mourn him?”

Dr. Jackson: “Because Henry was not just the Henry of the last year of his life. He was also, at one point, the male you loved with your whole heart. He was also the embodiment of a concept every little shifter female dreams of, the mate. The other half of our soul, the perfect male for us. Even when they’re not, there is still that pesky idea which is sometimes harder to let go of than the actual person.”

Patient no. 49675: “I am just scared that letting myself feel any sort of gentle, loving feeling towards him will completely shatter me and make the guilt even worse.”

Dr. Jackson: “It’s going to get worse before it gets better. But it will get better. And I will be here with you through it all, okay?”

Patient no. 49675: “Okay.”

Dr. Jackson: “For next time, try to write a letter to Dorothy without apologizing or addressing any of the bad stuff. Write about happy things, happy memories, try to make her laugh, okay?”

Patient no. 49675: “That’s not going to be easy.”

Dr. Jackson: “It’s not. As you write, try to focus on the things she taught you, what you miss about her in your daily life, what you wish you could tell her, how you think she would respond, things like that.”

…

February 21, 2021

…

Dr. Jackson: “How did you feel after our last session?”

Patient no. 49675: “Awful.”

Dr. Jackson: “Worse than usual?”

Patient no. 49675: “Yeah. Writing and reading that letter to Henry was probably the most difficult and draining thing I’ve done with you so far.”

Dr. Jackson: “Do you feel it was worth the effort and the pain?”

Patient no. 49675: “Strangely, I do. Absolutely. I’ve discovered some things inside myself that I had been struggling with without even being aware of it.”

Dr. Jackson: “So what did you do to take care of yourself after that particularly draining session?”

Patient no. 49675: “Lizzie and Helen came to take me out for lunch. One of David’s friends always checks on me on the days I have therapy, they are very kind to me.”

Dr. Jackson: “Is this a new thing for you?”

Patient no. 49675: “It is. I’ve never had a group of people taking care of me in such a coordinated, generous way. It’s like finally having that village that everyone keeps talking about.”

Dr. Jackson: “You used to be Luna, I thought your pack would have rallied around you. The pack where I live now does, they love our Luna more than the Alpha, and rightfully so.”

Patient no. 49675: “That's never been my experience. Spruce Mountain, they were takers, almost all of them. I was always doing things for them and never getting anything in return. And I know this sounds mean and selfish - ”

Dr. Jackson: “Why is it mean and selfish to not want to have a unilateral, lopsided relationship with those around you?”

Patient no. 49675: “I don’t know. Feels like something you’d get called selfish for. There is this idea out there that if you’re kind and good, you need to be kind and good always, withoutexpecting anything in return, even when other people are shitty.”

Dr. Jackson: “I would agree with the first two parts of that idea – don’t pick and choose who to be kind to and who to be mean to based on their social standing, and don’t be kind just because you want others to give you something. But if the other side is shitty, as you said so eloquently, you are completely justified in withdrawing your efforts and your kindness. This still doesn’t give you license to be mean or stoop to their level, but there is kindness, and there is stupidity. And if you ask me, it is stupid to waste your efforts in situations where it's clear they'll never be appreciated.”

Patient no. 49675: “You need to protect yourself at some point.”

Dr. Jackson: “And that’s what you were doing, with your former mate and with your former pack. Would you say you felt abandoned by the pack?”

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