Page 63 of The Barren Luna

Patient no. 49675: “Definitely. I can still remember the feeling of not belonging, of being alone, adrift at sea as I stood on the stage next to Henry and Hannah while the whole pack was cheering and applauding the information that he would be breeding her.”

Dr. Jackson: “Is this something you fear in your new mating situation?”

Patient no. 49675: “It is. In my heart I believe that the pack will always have their Alpha’s back, and if something crazy were to happen again, everyone would abandon me again.”

Dr. Jackson: “Right, I mean, your own parents did, why wouldn’t everyone else?”

Long pause.

Patient no. 49675: “Shit. That’s it, though, isn’t it? The two wolves you’d think would have your back. I mean, I could understand George, the baker from Spruce Mountain, not caringabout what happens to me, but my fucking parents, who birthed me?”

Dr. Jackson: “Would you maybe agree that your true problem with abandonment and trust lies with them, and not with your new mate?”

Patient no. 49675: “Yeah, I get it, but the fact remains that David is affected by it and he will be the one paying the price, not them. I’m so sick of it. What can I do to work on that?”

Dr. Jackson: “You’re already doing a lot, and we'll do even more. The best thing you can do is recognize that their actions are not a reflection on who you are, and that their abandonment in no way means you aren't worthy of love and support. It simply means they have no emotional capacity to provide it and that is their loss.”

Patient no. 49675: “Why am I the one hurting, then?”

Dr. Jackson: “Why, indeed. There aren't enough sessions in the world to describe how deeply a pup depends on her parents for support, validation, and love. And if they fail to give it, the pup’s first thought is neverthere's something wrong with my parents, it is alwaysthere's something wrong with me.”

…

March 4, 2021

…

Dr. Jackson: “Have you found time to read the materials I gave you last time?”

Patient no. 49675: “I have. I understand the first three tasks, okay, accept the loss, process the grief, and adjust to a world without the deceased in it, it’s all pretty clear. But task 4 is something I struggle with when thinking about Henry. I don’twant to find an enduring connection with him in my new life, and I don’t think I should have to.”

Dr. Jackson: “No one is saying you have to.”

Patient no. 49675: “You know what I mean. Will I still be moving on in the right way if I don’t?”

Dr. Jackson: “There is no right way to move on, there is just moving on. If you can close that chapter, accept the loss, and make peace with your actions and Henry’s actions without finding that enduring connection to his memory, then good for you. Mostly, this is meant for people who lost loved ones, so they crave that connection.”

Patient no. 49675: “I know, and I do with Dorothy. But I also know I cannot pretend like what happened never happened, so maybe making a positive connection to his memory could clear some branches from my new jungle path?”

Dr. Jackson: “Maybe.”

Patient no. 49675: “It’s just so messed up. I was glad when he died, can you believe that?”

Dr. Jackson: “I can.”

Patient no. 49675: “I don’t think any other wolf would.”

Dr. Jackson: “Other wolves haven’t watched their mates waste away like mine did. Among the conflicting emotions I felt after his death, there was relief too. Relief that he wasn’t suffering anymore. But I felt horrible because of it. I thoughtoh, God maybe I’m relieved because I don’t have to take care of him anymore.”

Patient no. 49675: “Wow. I can’t even imagine.”

Dr. Jackson: “You keep verbally differentiating between our situations, why is that?”

Long pause.

Patient no. 49675: “Your mate loved you, and you loved him. You did what you did as a mercy, as a favor to him, out of love, to save him. To prevent further suffering.”

Dr. Jackson: “Do you believe Henry loved you?”

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