Page 64 of The Barren Luna

Patient no. 49675: “In the first two years of our mating, absolutely, no doubt about it. Later – I believe he thought he did. I didn’t feel loved, though.”

Dr. Jackson: “Did you love him?”

Patient no. 49675: “I... Similar answer, I guess. During the aggressive fertility treatments, I could feel the love weakening and more blame and bitterness creeping in, but I was hoping everything would resolve itself as soon as he accepted there would be no pups.”

Dr. Jackson: “And in the moment of the killing, did you love him then?”

Patient no. 49675: “Absolutely not.”

Dr. Jackson: “Would you say you killed him to prevent further suffering, namely, your own?”

Patient no. 49675: “Yes.”

Dr. Jackson: “And you feel that’s more selfish and somehow worse than what I did?”

Patient no. 49675: “Yes.”

Dr. Jackson: “Why? Why was it okay for you to suffer and not for my mate?”

Patient no. 49675: “I don’t know. He didn’t do anything to deserve the illness he'd gotten.”

Dr. Jackson: “And did you do anything to cause your mate to go crazy?”

Patient no. 49675: “I don’t know, sometimes I think I did. If only I had gotten pregnant earlier, none of it would have happened?”

Dr. Jackson: “If I brought you irrevocable proof that it wasn’t you who was infertile, would that change anything in your mind?”

Patient no. 49675: “I honestly don’t know. There is a saying that Dotty once told me, and it goes,a lie repeated a hundred times becomes the truth. I think that’s what happened to me. Everyone around me kept telling me it was my fault and at some point, I believed them.”

Dr. Jackson: “So, by that logic, should every sterile she-wolf’s mate go utterly insane, breed another, kill innocent pack members, and keep their mate hostage?”

Patient no. 49675: “That’s not what I said.”

Dr. Jackson: “Onlyyourmate, then?”

Patient no. 49675: “I hate when you do that.”

Dr. Jackson: “I know.”

March 16, 2021

Dr. Jackson: “Are you still journaling regularly?”

Patient no. 49675: “Yeah, and I found some great quotes in the books you gave me.”

Dr. Jackson: “Care to share?”

Patient no. 49675: “There is one I can’t seem to get out of my head,Grief and love are forever intertwined. Grief is the terrible reminder of the depths of our love and, like love, grief is non-negotiable.”

Dr. Jackson: “Well said. Nick Cave has quite a way with words. Have you been sleeping well?”

Patient no. 49675: “Depends. Sniffing David’s things helps. Wearing his shirts does, too. But sometimes the nightmares still come.”

Dr. Jackson: “When did you last have one?”

Patient no. 49675: “Last week?”

Dr. Jackson: “One of the usual ones?”

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