Page 85 of Her Second-Hand Mate

I think I need to change.

You blocking me from your feelings, cutting your hair – it was necessary, if I’m being honest. Our relationship has gotten to the point where I knew you wouldn’t believe my explanation as to why our photo was hidden in a drawer.

There’s no way you’d believe I was keeping it there because it was distracting, because otherwise I’d spend the day staring at you. And that shit hurts. It hurts to know that this is what I’ve done to our relationship with the way I’ve been acting.

So I think I’ll start with your birthday. I’ll make an effort and we’ll celebrate it together. I’ll show you more of myself. We can do this, Penelope, I’m sure.

???

New Year’s Eve

My dearest mate,

you’re currently sleeping off the last hours of your heat, and I’m just sitting on the bed, watching you sleep. Your face is beautiful when animated, especially when you laugh, but there is just something about it when you are asleep – you look so relaxed, so soft, so unguarded.

These days you are almost back to your old, open self. I feel like I’m making headway.

I am in awe of how well you know me even though I spent most of the year hiding myself from you. The mechanical puzzle that you gave me for Christmas was one of the best gifts I’d ever received.

But that’s just who you are. You listen to others, and you see them. I love that about you. I love that you choose to spend your time and money on helping your friends survive exam week. I love that you are thoughtful enough to anticipate what they might need and do your best to provide it.

You are an amazing friend and an amazing Luna.

And I want to tell you that I love you.I really do. Not just as my mate, the she-wolf I’m magically tied to. But also as Penelope, the interesting, intelligent female. Penelope, the good, loyal friend.

Penelope who loves fiercely, and inspires such love in everyone who meets her. You do know my mother and her friends and all of our packmates won’t shut up about how amazing you are? And I don’t want them to, because they’re right. You’re the best. And I love you. A lot.

Here's to a New Year and a new beginning.

???

January 2022

Sitting through that fucking trial was the worst thing to happen to me since I realized the deal with Cassie’s death.

I might as well just come out and say it – you won’t be too scandalized, not after all the testimonies we heard.

When I passed out at the Alpha Summit, everyone (including me) assumed it was due to my mate dying. Case closed.

For months after that, my wolf was filled with bile and rage and bitterness, and hated the mention of Cassandra. I didn’t understand it. He kept urging me to think about that night, and in the process I started going over some of the incident reports, and finally, I stumbled upon the fact that I passed out at 9 pm and the accident occurred at 11 pm.

From there, I investigated some more and the only conclusion that made sense was that Cassandra had cheated on me that night. The wolfsbane in her system confirmed it, although everyone thought she used it to get drunk. Not that one excludes the other.

Anyway, I spent the better part of the last two years getting to the bottom of that mystery. Who did she do it with? Where? Why? I didn’t think she’d do it with a human, nor would she seduce a random lower-ranked wolf, she was too arrogant and conceited for that. It had to have been another Alpha who was there for the Summit. I never found out which one.

What I did do isdestroyour bedroom with my bare hands, and manage to make it all my fault somehow. Had I driven her to the drinking? To the cheating? Was I that awful or unlovable? Would I lose everything and everyone in my life?

Slowly I'd started to heal, mostly thanks to you. But this trial... I’m not gonna lie, it messed me up.

Did you see what love does to wolves? Did you see what mates do to each other?

It took all the strength I had not to hyperventilate and fall on my knees as Luna Regina’s pain was being talked about. It was like being at that dinner all over again. And to have all the Alphas sitting around me, knowing one of them could be the one who participated in defiling my mating? It was horrible.

I thought I’d be able to put it behind me once we got home, but then the nightmares started. They were mostly of me feeling the pain, but in the dream I’d immediately know what it was. Sometimes it would be Cassie cheating on me, but lately, it was always you. I was too scared to fall asleep some nights.

Before we left Court, David asked me to go to Spruce Mountain with him for a few months, help sort out the filth there. And I said yes. I think I need the distance, and I need to clear my head. I’m really not well. I don’t know why I can’t talk to you about this.

I think I’m delaying the inevitable – the pity on your face, the realization what kind of undesirable male you’re mated to. I just want to hold off on that a bit longer. I want to hide, that’s why I’m leaving. I still need to tell you somehow and you’ll hate me for it. But at least you won’t pity me.

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