Page 34 of Stronger Than Love

“I don’t like to listen to sad songs.”

“Youareone of those people,” he groaned. “You’ll have to forfeit our friendship or stop your evil sacrilege!”

A laugh bubbled up from my chest. “You drive and leave me in charge of the radio controls.”

He chuckled and turned the volume up from somewhere on the steering wheel. We fell into a companionable silence, humming along to some songs and singing to others. Liam’s voice was deep and sensual, like dark chocolate melting on your tongue. The time passed quickly, his car eating up the miles.

Before arriving home, I’d been unsure if I wanted a permanent position anywhere, since I’d spent most of my adult life travelling the globe to help people in war-torn areas. Every chapter had a beginning and an end, and the last few jobs had made this chapter feel like it was dragging. Istared out the window with sightless eyes, watching the swans on Strangford Lough as they glided effortlessly on the water.

It was only when Liam touched my arm that I realised he was talking to me. “Oonagh?”

“Yeah?”

“I asked what your interview was for.”

“Um, general surgery. There’s no need for a trauma surgeon here.” My career had consisted of operating on people in horrendous conditions with few resources. There were times when we’d had to operate by torch light.

“Will you miss it?”

I shrugged. “In the beginning, everything was a new experience, then those experiences were tested to the limit of endurance. Trying to operate as bombs decimated the city around you. Children dying from diseases that basic immunisation could prevent. Sleep was limited and resources were the same. I left thinking I could make a difference in the world, but now I realise I was putting a plaster on a severed artery and hoping it would hold.”

“What changed your plan?”

Silence stretched around us. I’d never shared my story with anyone who wasn’t there at the time. His fingers intertwined through mine, infusing strength into me.

“Everything changed with one man,” I said in barely a whisper. “We’d operated on a young man and he was lying on a trolley in a corridor since there was nowhere else to put him. Everything was chaos as we moved from one patient to the next. Dissidents stormed the hospital and shot all the survivors of the attack, including him. I had an epiphany-type ‘what’s the point moment’. We weren’t saving them, merely patching them up to return to war.”

Liam’s hand tightened around mine. “You were doing your best.”

A bitter laugh tumbled out. “Our best meant nothing out there.”

He didn’t reply, what was the point? There were images in this life that could never be unseen, sounds that would forever haunt you, and smells that suddenly take you back to a time and place that was long gone.

A hot tear trickled down my cheek and I angrily dashed it away. Now was not the time for the flashbacks that preluded the full-body shivers and sweats.

Liam’s thumb caressed a reassuring circle on the top of my hand. “Everyone has demons that emerge every so often to try and drag you into hell. Sometimes you need to ignore them, but other times you need to look those bastards in the eye and tell them to go back from where they came. You’re strong enough, Oonagh. Just remember that every day you survive, you’ve proved that you’re strong enough.”

Counsellors had tried to normalise my reactions, asked to talk about my experiences when we got home. None of it made a difference. I’d looked in the face of evil while he still held a gun and I would never forget the abyss that returned my stare.

“Some days it feels too much.” I confessed. Unable to face a life without Liam in it, I’d joined Doctors Without Borders and ran away. Now I was back, here he was, and my feelings were fucking with my head more that I dared to admit.

I wasn’t the same person he remembered. Bits of me were broken and I didn’t know how to fix them. Terror curled deep inside at the thought of him discovering all the secrets that kept me overseas for so many years.

“There are days we all want to hide under the duvet, Oonagh. Believe me, I get it. When Dad died, I was numb for months, then Mum passed the next year. My life fell apart one event after the other like dominoes on a board, each one pushing the next one down until there was nothing left…” His voice trailed off until we were enveloped in silence.

“I’m sorry.” It would never be enough. “I was scared and vulnerable, and there were other events unfolding in the background. My heart wanted to believe in you, but when she was standing there in your hoodie that still smelled of you, one of your leather wristbands on.” I took a deep breath and pinched the bridge of my nose.

“What?” The car swerved when he tried to turn around and stare at me. “What the fuck?”

“Please, Liam,” I stuttered in a small voice. “Loud noises scare me.”

His hand gripped mine again, the sustained pressure helping to ease the panic rising in my chest that threatened to engulf me.

“Breathe, baby.” He expertly navigated the car while holding onto me most of the drive.

I tucked my legs under me and turned to face Liam, my head resting on the back of the seat while I watched him.

“What?” He tossed a quizzical look with one eyebrow raised in my direction.

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