Page 161 of Don't Leave Me

Billie.

I threw my phone on the counter in an angry fit -this isn’t real. This can’t be happening.There is no way in hell that Hana was lying to me the other night in that restaurant bathroom. The look of terror on her face when she told me that Jack had drugged her and had her tied up, I’d never forget it. Her body language and the fear in her eyes every time Jack glanced in her direction during dinner was truth enough - and now she was saying that she made up this whole thing? My brain just couldn’t accept it. Jack had to have made her say all of that. He took her somewhere, has her tied up and is pointing a gun to her head. I wanted to throw up.

And then my brain started to wonder and go in the opposite direction, my rationale taking over. What if shewaslying? What if she really did have some sort of psychotic break and was making every worst decision possible? Yes, terrible decisions, but all on her own? What if Hana really couldn’t stand the pressure of having to choose between two men she loved, so she made up a horrible lie to try to get one of them incarcerated? It was selfish and naive and brainless - but Hana could get that way sometimes. Obviously not to this extent, but in her hypomania days, she would leave me at a bar while she ran off with a guy she had just met. She only thought of herself, of her desires and her wants and her feelings, during those times. Maybe because she was unmedicated for the first time in years her hypomania was just way, way worse. What if it turned into full blown mania? Could that happen? What if Hana had decided she was bored with her very structured life - she was on her meds, with a stable man, about to get married, just bought a beautiful Manhattan condo - what if that was all just too mundane for her? Hana always preferred being alone with a book on her baseline days, but when she hypomanic, she wanted nothing more than to be partying and staying up till dawn and drinking everything in sight. What if she felt trapped, like she just couldn’t be herself with someone that had tamed her? What if “normal” Hana was trying to reach out to me in that restaurant bathroom to help her pick the very obviously smart decision to be with Michael?

I was torn. It now felt like anything was possible.

Still, I had to go to Michael with everything that I had found out. I didn’t bother calling - I left work right away and took the train downtown and was in the lobby of the New York Daily 20 minutes later.

“Hi, is Michael Barnes in?” I asked the nice receptionist from the last time.

“Oh, yes. Mrs. Lowe, right?” she smiled as she raised her work phone to her ear.

“Yes,” I smiled back at her, her warmth infectious.

There was a pause as she waited for him to answer. “Mr. Barnes, Mrs. Lowe is here to see you,” she announced. Another pause. “Will do.” She hung up the phone and smiled up at me again. “Go right on in.”

I quickly made my way to Michael’s office and he was already standing up with his hands on his hips, his eyes wide and bracing himself for whatever I was there for. He spoke as I shut the door behind me.

“Billie, did you hear anything?”

I hated that I was delivering the bad news.

“I heard from Hana,” I admitted, fiddling with my hands, nervous to give him the news and my theories.

He waited for me to go on, his eyes hopeful.

“You’re not on Instagram, are you?” I questioned as I took my phone out of my back pocket.

“No,” Michael shook his head. “Why? Did she say something on there?”

I opened the app and went to Hana’s profile. I clicked on the loving picture of Jack and Hana, then handed my phone to Michael.

“She posted this not even an hour ago. Read what she wrote,” I explained, sitting down on the couch adjacent to the window.

I could see Michael’s chest rising up and down faster, his eyebrows furrowed as he read her caption, his mouth hard.

“So it’s true then? Hana really left me?”

Michael’s expression was pained, seeming as if each word he said stung. He looked back down at the photo and started to read it again.

“The thing is - I don’t know anymore. I called her, moments after she posted that, and she actually answered,” I started to explain. “And she told me that…she told me that she lied about the whole kidnapping thing. She said that she made it up because she wanted you back and she couldn’t risk breaking Jack’s heart again and having him potentially hurt himself. She said she would have rather him go to jail than for him to kill himself. I just…I can’t believe that Hana would be that stupid. I can’t believe that she would make up such a thing,” I gazed in front of me, feeling defeated.

“I could,” Michael responded quietly, staring down at the floor in front of him, nodding. “She lied to me all the time about Jack. She always talked to him behind my back. She always cared about him and she always found a way to make it seem like she had no other choice but to be his friend,” he muttered, looking disgusted.

I felt my brows crease, confused. “So you really think she lied? I mean…she said that she wanted you back but then changed her mind. I just…it’s just such a crazy fucking story,” I shook my head at him.

“Hana always made rash decisions like that with me. I’m starting to believe that she just…she really didn’t want to be with me. She was bored of me. I was too…boring for her,” he lowered his eyes again, looking like he was about to cry.

I wanted to console him. “She was crazy about you,” I defended quickly.

“I think she fell in love with me quickly. And she fell out of love with me just as fast,” he shook his head, turning his back to me to look out the window behind his desk.

If this was all real, if Hana really did leave Michael, my heart was breaking for him. Even if it wasn’t the truth, my heart still broke. He was in so much pain and clearly felt so much self-loathing.

“I need to see her in person again. I don’t think she’s well if she’s really making these decisions herself. I just need to see this love that she talks about in person, because a few days ago I couldn’t see it,” I went on, trying to formulate a plan out loud.

“Did you see it with us? With me and Hana?” Michael turned back to me, his face morose.

---