Page 194 of Don't Leave Me

I dropped my jeans and pulled my shirt over my head, looking in the full-length mirror on the wall in front of us: I had a huge fading bruise all over my ass and hips, a couple of small ones on my shoulders, my arms, on the tops of my thighs. It looked like I fell down a very steep, rocky mountain.

“Jesus, Han!” Emily exclaimed as she observed my body carefully. “How did you get all of these?” she questioned suspiciously.

I smiled to conceal my nervousness. “Jack and I got carried away the other night,” I blurted out – she knew I had a history of liking that sort of thing, so she had to believe me now.

Emily looked at me, confused. “This was all duringsex?” she asked quietly, as if the topic were taboo.

I nodded, casually pulling the white dress off the hanger. “Yeah. Like I said, I’m anemic,” I explained, as if this all made sense now.

“Hana,” Emily said sternly. “Are you okay with all of that? I mean, you…consented to it?” The words seemed so foreign coming out of her mouth.

I laughed suddenly. “Of course.”

Emily didn’t laugh back. “Is this like, something you do in every relationship you’re in?” she interrogated, now dead serious and almost shy.

I slipped the white dress on: it fit perfectly. If only I didn’t have all these bruises, I would look perfect.

“No. It’s not all the time with Jack. Just…sometimes we like to do that stuff,” I admitted quietly.

I couldn’t believe I was explaining this to Emily. I couldn’t tell her that I didn’tremember askingfor it. I couldn’t tell her that I was too drunk to even remember it, and Jack did it anyway. Those words would never be said out loud, or anywhere.

“Why do you like it?” she was quiet, still in her bra and underwear as she stared at my reflection in the mirror.

I stared at my body in the mirror, thinking of an answer that didn’t sound horrendous.

“It feels good to hurt sometimes, Emily,” I answered back just as quietly.

Emily seemed to accept my answer but with tremendous sadness. Did she buy all of this? She had to. I suddenly heard my phone buzz in my peacoat that hung up on a rack in the corner; I checked it immediately. Jack had texted me: “Meet us at The Park at 6. You know the place.” My heart dropped again. That’s where Michael and I frequently ate dinners at when we were together – did Jackwantto hurt me? He knew we ate there often – it was one of the places he mentioned that he stalked me at when he first…when he first kidnapped you!I quieted the logical part of my brain. Did he want to remind me of Michael, or did he want to run into him, make a show of us together? I didn’t know what the plan was but either way, I knew I would be a mess.

I quickly relayed the message to Emily before I took the dress off and put my jeans and shirt back on.

“Didn’t we eat there before with Michael?” Emily asked casually, I’m sure wanting to change the subject off of my self-declared masochism.

But that didn’t help. I suddenly dropped my coat out of my hand and started to bawl. I couldn’t help it. I was in a safe space with Emily, my best friend, my cousin, and I was on the verge of a breakdown. Going to that restaurant was going to drive me off the edge.

I felt Emily wrap her arms around me, her tight hug comforting me but already snapping me out of my meltdown.

“I’m sorry,” I hiccuped, pulling away from her and wiping my eyes with the shoulder of my shirt.

“For what?” Emily asked with confusion. “What’s wrong?”

“Just…” I started, my heart feeling raw and crushed. “It’s hard to be in Chelsea. It reminds me of Michael. That restaurant reminds me of him. We ate there all the time,” I confessed.

I didn’t tell her why the thought of Michael made me want to jump off a building.

Emily gave me a frown. “Do you regret choosing Jack?”

I widened my eyes. No, I couldn’t tell her.Don’t give in. Snap out of it. “No,” I shook my head quickly. “No, I love Jack more than anything,” I added.

Emily sighed again. “I’m sorry, but did Michael ever bruise you like this?” she looked down at my body, now covered up perfectly.

My first reaction was anger; she knew absolutely nothing about a dominant/submissive relationship, let alone mine and Michael’s. What Michael and I had was nothing like what Jack and I had. The two were absolutely incomparable. And then came the guilt and fear: she was starting to turn against Jack.I should have never undressed in front of her. She is going to figure this all out.

“I’m sorry,” Emily looked down, almost ashamed. “I just don’t get the whole BDSM thing. I don’t want to fight about it again. He just…he doesn’t make you call him weird names like daddy or sir, does he?”

I laughed, the whole situation completely absurd. No, he didn’t make me call him anything; in fact, he liked when I said his name. He only made me live with him and marry him and do everything he said or else he would kill everyone I loved. No big deal.

“No, nothing like that,” I raised my eyebrows. “Not at all.”

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