Page 49 of Don't Leave Me

It was the next morning and Billie had gone out to meet with John. Emily sat on my bed with her legs criss-crossed and fidged with her hands.

I furrowed my brows with concern. “Really? Why?” I asked, surprised; Emily had always been so intent on her furthering her education, and she was good at it.

“I just can’t handle the pressure anymore. I get so much anxiety from school, from all the public speaking we have to do…I mean, I actuallydreadit, Han,” she confessed, tears now streaming down her face.

I was shocked. Emily was so outgoing and bubbly –how could someone like that get so much anxiety?

“I had no idea, Em,” I said softly, consoling her with my hand on hers as I sat next to her.

“Because I’m able to fake it so easily. It’s getting worse every day. I can’t sleep, I self-medicate, I’m always on the verge of breaking down and just fucking ending it all,” she moaned out, crying hysterically.

I couldn’t help but start crying myself. My cousin, my best friend and favorite person in the whole world was in pain and I didn’t know how to help her. And the worst part of it all was that I understood completely.

“Emily…I’m so sorry,” I choked out, quickly wrapping my arms around her.

“I know, Han. I don’t want to end up like my mom, but I feel like that’s where I’m headed,” she cried, her head on my shoulder.

I took her shoulders with my hands immediately. “Emily. You have everything good about your mom. And that’s not where you’re headed. I won’t let it happen,” I said sternly, the ache in my chest feeling like an open wound.

“I was diagnosed with bipolar, Han,” she looked at me with the most painful expression. “Type one. Just like my mom,” she went on.

I was once again speechless. I knew all along that Emily had a very high chance of being diagnosed, just like I was, but I hoped it was just me and that Em would have a normal, unmedicated life.

“That’s okay, Emily. It’s manageable. You know that,” I assured her, quickly wiping the tears from my face, trying to be strong for the both of us.

“Is it though?!” she exclaimed. “I mean, I was diagnosed a month ago and I can’t even remember to take my medication. I can’t stop drinking and not sleeping,” she confessed. “And I definitely can’t tell my dad. Oh my god, he’ll fucking die if he finds out.”

I shook my head quickly. “It’s gonna take some time to get used to. But it’ll get easier, I promise. And you have me to help you and support you because I know what you’re going through,” I assured her.

She finally calmed down and sighed, nodding her head and wiping her face with the back of her hand. “I want to move to the city,” she looked at me with wide eyes.

I was suddenly elated – Emily being as close to me as possible was ideal. But I didn’t want her to just up and quit school only to regret it later.

“Are you sure?” I asked softly. “Have you given it a lot of thought?” I went on.

One classic symptom of people living with bipolar disorder of any kind was that we were often impulsive.

“Yes,” she raised her eyebrows, almost begging me to believe her.

I nodded. I wanted her to be happy, and if she hated school and UPenn so much, I was ready to support her wholeheartedly.

“Okay,” I finally whispered, a smile creeping on my lips. “I support you then.”

Emily slowly started to smile, her eyes lit up. “I love you so much, Han,” she said as she gave me a tight hug.

“I love you too,” I smiled, holding onto her for dear life.

Emily and I spent the next hour hovered over my Macbook, looking at apartments in the city – all over the city. Emily had access to her vast trust fund and never had to worry about money – which, admittedly, was also true for me thanks to our wealthy family – so the options were endless. I realized that I probably should have made her sleep on it before we both go so excited about her move, but we were so eager for her live in the city. We wrote down a few places to check out the next day and spent the next few hours giggling until we finally fell asleep…way too late.

I woke up to my alarm at 8 AM, my eyes feeling heavy but my body feeling energized and ready for the day. Emily lazily opened her eyes, smiled at me, and then rolled over and I assumed went back to sleep.

After getting ready and hoping that Emily’s plans to move to the city were real, I sat down beside her and started to play with her hair, waking her up. She blinked her eyes open and furrowed her brows as she looked up at me.

“I have to go to work. Do you still want to meet me there at 6?” I asked, speaking softly.

She nodded quickly and smiled. “Yeah. I’ll be there,” she said with her sleepy voice.

I smiled. “Good. Go back to sleep,” I said and stood up, walking out the door and heading to work.

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