Page 64 of Don't Leave Me

“What’s wrong?” she asked, walking towards me.

“It’s him,” I breathed. “I have to answer,” I said as I turned around and walked away from her, not wanting her to stray me away from taking the call.

I could see my hands shaking as I nervously kept my finger above my phone screen, hesitating, but finally answering.

“Michael,” I said quietly.

“Hana,” he responded, his tone matching mine. “Are you really not coming into work?” His voice was more stern now.

I hesitated for a moment. He sounded so desperate. “No, I’m not,” I held my head up high, realizing it was much easier to say no to him on the phone than in person.

He sighed heavily. “You’re being very childish right now, Hana,” he scolded me.

I was suddenly furious.He really has bad timing when it comes to being an asshole, doesn’t he?

“Take this as my formal resignation, Michael. I quit,” I retorted, not thinking at all, only acting on my anger and affliction.

“Hana,” he started quickly. “Don’t be so impetuous. Think about this,” he went on, as if trying to calm me.

“I have thought about this,” I cried out. “I can’t be near you, Michael, if you don’t want to be with me. I can’t handle it!” I went on, breaking down in the middle of the Pottery Barn aisles.

“I never said I didn’t want to be with you, Hana. You’re so quick to jump to your own conclusions,” he defended, hurt clear in his voice.

I put my hand up to my head, ready to rip my hair out. “You said you didn’t know how you felt about me. How do you think that made me feel? I felt so humiliated and unwanted,” I explained, realizing I was getting stares from customers, but I didn’t care.

“I can never say the right thing to you, Hana. What do you want me to say?” He sounded defeated.

I shrugged, as if he could see me, as I shook my head and scoffed. “I want you to say how you feel. But clearly that’s too much to ask for,” I argued.

I waited, desperately hoping he would saysomething. I stared down at my boots and felt lightheaded and anxious.

“This is how I feel, Hana: I feel overwhelmed and out of control. I feel angry at myself but also at you; I feel like you’re pressuring me to say what you want to hear, and if I say something that you don’t want to hear, you just walk away,” he admitted, his voice strained – he sounded exhausted, and I was the one that had caused him all of this.

I went back to hating myself real quickly. I didn’t know what to say – I didn’t want to admit to him that he was right, that I was being selfish and childish and completely unbearable.

“I have to go,” I said quickly, my voice small, and I hung up without a second thought.

My heart ached. I had caused this completely disastrous mess; it was me that was pushing Michael away, it was me stirring up all the drama, it was me being the fucked up narcissist that I had always been.

“Han? Are you okay?” I heard Emily ask from behind me, gently putting her hand on my shoulder.

I shook my head quickly. “I need to go. I’m sorry, Em, but I need to go,” I said, unable to stop the tears falling down my cheeks.

Emily nodded. “Come on. I’ll take you home,” she took my hand and guided me out of the store like the lost little girl I was.

Emily laid with me in my bed as I cried on her shoulder, telling her about mine and Michael’s conversation. She just let me cry, holding onto me and rubbing my back soothingly. I wanted to die, and I think she knew that feeling. I didn’t have any intention of hurting myself, but she knew I was capable of making impulsive, regrettable decisions and I was glad that she was there to protect me from myself. I just felt incredibly guilty and incapable of having any normal, loving relationship.I’m gonna break Jack’s heart. This is going to end messily. Is any of this going to be worth it?

It was finally dark out and I had stopped crying. Emily and I were still lying in bed, chatting mindlessly, Emily easily cheering me up.

“Pack some stuff, come stay with me tonight,” Emily suggested as she sat up.

I shrugged, my mind wandering back to Jack. “I think I’m gonna stay. Jack is gonna come over,” I explained.

She smiled sweetly. “Good. He’ll make you feel better,” she teased.

I shook my head and let out a soft laugh. “You helped too, Em. Seriously, thank you for being here. I couldn’t imagine dealing with this without you,” I said earnestly, sitting up as well.

“Of course, Han,” she shook her head nonchalantly.

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