Page 145 of Don't Leave Me

“Hi, Han,” I smiled.

“Hi, Billie,” she responded, her voice almost trembling.

Surely it wasn’t me that was making her this nervous, was it? Despite our fallout, I would hope that she wouldn’t tremble with rage at the sight of me.I did say some terrible things, though.

But at that moment, a familiar face appeared beside her and the shock hit me like a ton of bricks – why was Jack here?

“Hi Billie,” he smiled at me – he was nervous too.

I looked at the two of them, trying to register what was going on. Jack had his arm around her waist, a sight that was so foreign to me that it took me a moment to say something.

“Is this back on again?” I asked, unsure of how my face or tone even came off.

Hana nodded quickly. “Yeah, you were right all along, Billie. Mine and Michael’s relationship went way too fast,” she explained, almost sounding rehearsed.

I was still in shock. How in the world did this happen? She was absolutely insane about Michael.Did I have something to do with this? Did I guilt her into giving up her true love?Jack wasn’t right for her – he was unstable, not only in his personal life but with everything I had ever known him in. He quit the band on a whim over a petty argument (I should know, I was there) and dragged Adam along with him. The only reason I wanted him and Hana together before was because I hadn’t known about his past history until his overdose. Up until then, I had thought he was a delight – he was charming, sweet, sensitive and talented. But then John explained his past – he was a heroin addict for years, he got into some pretty reckless bar fights, he spent time in jail for assault, trespassing, and who knows what else. Had I known all of this, I wouldn’t have suggested him to my highly sensitive, sweet, but easily persuadable and capricious best friend.

I had to respond quickly. “Well, I’m sorry about that,” I said mournfully, then turned to Jack. “Looks like you two found your way to each other again, though” I smiled quickly.Were they believing this?

Hana smiled, almost looking relieved. “How are you doing?”Her voice was unsteady again.

I couldn’t tell exactly what was off with Hana – unless it was just my presence. She had that manic energy but she not only seemed agitated, but…scared somehow. And she was trying so hard not to show it.

I sighed. I needed to find out what was going on. What did she ask again? Oh, right…

“I’m good. Super fucking busy. But good,” I shrugged, trying to make it seem like I didn’t notice anything. I needed to get her on her own, ask her what was up. “Maybe we can catch up soon. Dinner this week or something?

Jack listened passively, his arm still held onto Hana protectively.

Hana nodded excitedly. I could swear there were tears forming in her eyes. “I’d love that,” she said before quickly turning her head to Jack. He smiled at her and it felt almost forced. “Fantastic,” he said, turning to me.

Was she waiting on a reaction from Jack? I tilted my head at them quickly. I pushed back the urge to take Hana’s hand and ask her to sit with me for a moment – I felt this uncontrollable need to ask if she was okay.

“Well, I should head back to work. I’ll text you later, Han?” I smiled at her warmly. I wanted to tell her that it would be okay.

“Yeah,” she smiled quickly again, then reached to me and put her arms around me, tightly and swiftly; I reciprocated.

I turned to Jack. “Bye, Jack,” I said, giving him a quick hug as well.

I left the cafe with a sinking feeling in my chest.

* * *

I couldn’t stop thinking about Hana that day. I had seen her hypomanic before – happy, speech fleeting and rapid, her creativity level at an ultra high that sent her into days and nights of writing and painting. She would stay out late and laugh loudly and run miles. This was the highly entertaining yet sometimes troubling Hana, but I knew how to handle it. Then I’d seen her depressed – unable to get out of bed, unable to form sentences, the light in her eyes dull, but still faintly there. I had my bouts of depression too; not nearly as bad as Hana’s, but I had my fair share, so I knew what that felt like. I knew how to handle that Hana as well. I sometimes thought of myself as the unspoken caretaker for Hana, like a big sister. She always relied on me in her times of need and listened to my advice, sometimes taking it and sometimes ignoring it.

And of course there was the Hana that was always there – the incredibly empathetic, observant, quiet, and thoughtful Hana. The Hana that would rather listen to her records and read in her room than go out. The Hana that would take walks around McCarren park and smile and wave at the dogs on leashes that passed by. The Hana that everyone knew and loved, the reliable, diligent and trustworthy Hana that made you smile with her wide, curious eyes.

Hana was none of those when I saw her that morning. Her eyes darted back and forth on the floor, like she was deep in thought and scared of expressing those thoughts. Her body language felt robotic – like she was uncharged. Her speech wavered up and down, like she held back emotions or put in too much effort with each syllable.

It felt like she was in trouble. Was she in some sort of psychosis? What had caused this? And what exactly happened between her and Michael?

I stayed late at work, not wanting to go home to an empty apartment. I kept fighting off urges to stop by Jack’s on the way home – I knew that Hana was most likely staying with him. I wanted to demand answers. I eyed his building, taking the long way home, and didn’t sleep at all that night.

* * *

I texted Emily on my way to work the next morning. I knew that she was likely in the loop on what was happening with Hana lately and despite our butting heads, she would ease my mind. Emily and I didn’t get along for various reasons – she was loud, erratic, pretentious and painfully self-absorbed. She was an awful influence on Hana and would spend long weekends at our apartment, the both of them staying up until the sun came up and drinking and laughing hysterically. But she was Hana’s cousin and I learned to deal with her – sometimes she wasn’tthat bad.

I passed by the cat cafe again, quickly glancing in, almost hoping Hana was there again. Of course, she wasn’t.

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