Page 191 of Don't Leave Me

“I don’t want her here. I’m afraid she’s going to blab – especially with the drinking she’s doing – and ruin our night,” he admitted, his eyes sad as he looked down at me.

I narrowed my eyes at him. “How is being mean to her going to keep her from blabbing? Shouldn’t you be treating her like a queen right now?”

Jack smiled a little. “Then she’ll get cocky,” he raised his eyebrows, but paused. “Fine, you’re right. I just…we haven’t seen her since…” I knew he didn’t want to say the words out loud. “The reminder of what I did makes me feel tremendously guilty, and she’s one of the two other people who know what happened. Her presence just reminds me how desperate I was…how desperate Iam,” he admitted, his eyes widened a bit and he looked so hurt.

I shook my head. “You don’t always have to be the bad guy, Jack. She loves you, she would clearly do anything for you,” I stated quietly; I suddenly realized how ironic it was that I was making the two people, who had taken all of the choices from my life from me, make up.

Jack eyed me for a moment. “Why do you still love me, after all I’ve done to you?” There was tears forming in his eyes.

“Because you still love me after all I did to you,” I answered quietly, my voice cracking.

He knew what I meant.

I suddenly heard the acoustic version of one of my favorite songs on the speakers. Jack gently laid his whiskey down at the bar and took my hand, guiding me to the center of the room, then wrapped one arm around my waist with his other hand still in mine, close to his chest. He began to move his feet slowly and I did the same.I laid my head against his chest, letting him lead me to wherever he wanted me. Tears streamed down my face and I knew this was the tragic ending I deserved.

52

Chapter 52

I knew I had one more glass of wine that night. I remembered walking down the street in the cold, Jack keeping me warm with his jacket on me. The next thing I knew, I was waking up in the loft to faint light peeking through the curtains and a pounding headache. Jack was sleeping soundly next to me, his arm draped over me, and I felt a damp sweat on my forehead. I hadn’t been hungover in a while and I suddenly remembered why I liked waking up clear-headed every morning. I slowly lifted myself up and quietly walked to the kitchen sink to pound a glass of water back, then realized that mine and Jack’s clothes were strewn all over the place, a lamp by the couch was tossed to its side, and the chairs next to the couch were out of place, like they were pushed to the side to make room for something. Did we have really passionate hot sex that I don’t remember? I saw a glimpse of Jack above me in my brain, then another with his hands around my throat. I lifted my hands to my throat and realized that it was sore – what had happened? I tried to feel for anything else that was sore on my body; my ass was raw, and the top of my head felt like maybe it wasn’t just the headache that made it hurt. I looked over at Jack and he started to stir, then jolted up and looked around the room for me, his eyes stopping at me in the kitchen. His chest rose up and down quickly like he had just awoken from a bad dream.

“What are you doing?” he asked with accusation.

I lifted the glass of water in my hand. “I’m parched. What happened last night?” I slowly walked back towards him.

I could see Jack calming down as he watched me, then gave me a puzzled look.

“You don’t remember?” He was quiet, his eyes still following my every move.

My heart sank. That question was always something I dreaded to hear. I gulped and shook my head.

“You tried to jump on me as soon as we got back here. You were tearing my clothes off and I did the same for you. Then you told me you wanted me to hurt you, that you knew that’s what you deserved. I went along with it. I…” he trailed off, looking down at the floor. “You wanted me to do all of it to you,” he revealed quietly, then looked back up at me.

“Do what?” I hated that I couldn’t remember.

“You…you asked me to hurt you, you said to do my worst,” he raised his eyebrows. “So I did. I did…a lot to you, Hana. Please don’t make me say it all out loud.”

Jack looked ashamed. Ifeltashamed; that’s something that I could see myself doing. I sighed and put my hand to my cheek – sure enough, it was also raw.

I paused. “Did I enjoy it?”

“I don’t know, Hana. You came, and then I came, and then we fell asleep. We didn’t talk about it,” he explained.

I prodded further. “Did I cry?”

I couldn’t believe I was asking these questions.

Jack looked over at me and nodded. “Yes,” he widened his eyes. “I didn’t know you were that tossed. I mean, I enjoyed myself, Hana. I think youwantedme to enjoy myself.”

I looked down at my hands. I really was fucked up.

“Jessica said you have been violent with previous girlfriends before,” I blurted out, afraid to look back up at him.

Jack paused. I could tell he was thinking of a response – he wasn’t denying it yet.

“You know I’m not perfect, Hana,” he whispered. “You’ve seen my anger.”

I suddenly felt numb. All I could do was nod and stare down at my hands.

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